Unconventional Wisdom

Every once in a while I need to look back on my life and remember life's quotable mottos filled with crazy wisdom that has seen me through the best of times and walked me through the darkest of times. I thought today might be a good day to share with you some of them.

1. If all else fails, stop and take time to drink alcohol, the solution to all of life's problems. The problems won't go away, but you'd be surprised what you can think of after 5 glasses of bourbon.
2. If you're going down anyway, you might as well go down with everything you've got and a whole lot more.
3. The best times of your life are often the ones where you never saw coming. The worst times in your life are often the ones you expected to happen anyway.
4. The best of friendships often starts by answering the question "What can they offer you for as long as possible?"
5. Maturity is knowing you did something stupid in the past. Common sense is knowing you are about to do something stupid now. Wisdom is knowing you are going to do something stupid in the future.

While there are more unconventional wisdom locked up in this head of mine. I'm pretty sure 5 is enough for single sitting. Be sure to use them with care. The thing about crazy wisdom is that while they work in real life, they often carry with them consequences best left for people with a certain sense of eccentricity. Just as well though, after all, sometimes to deal with life, you have to be better than normal.

You just have to be abnormal.

I figured as much.

You Are From Uranus

You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric. You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude. Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential. Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone. Your creative ways and funky attitude is all you need to be you.

What Planet Are You From?

RIP - Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

Before the Glove.

Word of the Day.

Just so you know...

Anhedonia - is the inability to experience pleasure from normal life events, such as eating, exercise or social/sexual interaction.

It's Good to Set Goals.

Goals for today:

1. Interact with as few human beings as possible.
2. Be productive.
3. Try not to get pissed off.
4. Try not to get fired.
5. Try not to 'accidentally' throw myself in front of a speeding bus.

Ugh, it's one of those days.

I hate the beginning part of whenever you start a workout regime. You know, the part where you start and you're all gung-ho for a few weeks and think that by the end of it, you'll have Victoria Secret banging on your door to do a show for them?

What I hate the most is that I feel good (sort of) and I feel like I'm doing something good (sometimes) but then I'll put on my clothes and it just looks all wrong on me -- like the fat on my body is not disappearing, but rather redistributing itself so that I look all warped and mangled.

I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 6 months to a body that doesn't make me cringe when I look at it in the mirror.

What did I forget?

I’ve been on some really crazy medicine for this nagging cough I still have. It’s antihistamine, decongestant and cough suppressant all in one. It affects me in much the same as a fifth shot of tequila does. I really mean that… it seriously screws me up. But it has helped me sleep the last two nights.

The only thing is that I wake up still feeling sort of fuzzy. It takes me longer to remember what I was going to do next. And today, the entire way through, I felt like I forgot something. Something important. Not like my computer or lunch, bigger than that. Like pants.

I’ve checked myself about fifteen times so far. (yes, the pants are there)

So what was it I forgot?

Out of town...

... I'll be back on Wednesday.

Why Today Was A Bad Day.

#1
I am pretty sure i forgot to put on deodorant.

#2
I spent the day in an 80+ degree room with strangers.

#3
I may have to go back there tomorrow.
Am hoping with deodorant this time.

#4
I have cheese in my cleavage. I think from the salad at lunch.
Well, I hope it's from that.

#5
For the last day or so, I have been trying to figure out what that horrible smell was in my kitchen. It is elusive.

#6
I found that smell. I was steaming broccoli in the microwave on Monday night. I forgot about it, distracted by who knows what, until I opened the microwave this evening.

Nice. Have you met me?

#7
Misunderstandings abound.

#8
I am reinstalling the operating system on my computer for the second time in less than 24 hours.

#9
Oh there is a whole lot more… let’s just hope tomorrow is a better day.

Needing People.

Last weekend, when I was out running, I reminded myself to call a friend and ask her for the name of a product I needed from her friend, Jessie; since she and I are distant acquaintances. Just as I approached the reservoir, I saw a woman in dark sunglasses who looked just like Sandra. I approached her. I looked hard. I removed my sunglasses and looked again. It was her!

After I related my surprise at having her materialize before my eyes the minute I thought of her(considering she lives nowhere near the area)she said to me,

“We always attract the people we need.”

After that conversation, I walked away, deep in thought. Do we have an intrinsic force that makes a certain type of person flock to us? Do we strike friendships or relationships with people who can give us something in return? Do we attract a partner or a friend who can fulfill certain criteria at the time, and do we drift apart when they no longer provide what we need?

I thought it was the law of attraction and commonalities. But perhaps it is more akin to simple economics, a case of need and demand?

Looking back, there was one instance when I was inexplicably drawn to someone through a common experience. I felt I could help him and I gave it all I could, for which he was grateful. And that left me wondering, if we attract the people we need, what did I need from him...?

Sometimes....

...while I'm out shopping by myself, I pretend to talk on my cell phone so that I don't have to talk to the annoying salesperson in the clothing store.

J is for .....

.....Just conversation

A recent dialogue I had sometime this week during happy hours...

JT: I have question...as you are a purported expert on men, or more specifically - observing men, what are the 4 biggest misconceptions that men have when thinking about their relationships with women and how best to make them happy? When listing out these misconceptions, please include advice and perspective to your legions of male readers so that they may improve themselves by your answer.
Me: OMG! That’s not a question, that’s an essay!
JT: Well, then you better get started - you don't want to get an F!
Me: I wasn’t aware scoring was on the cards! Sheesh.

Misconception 1 – Most men think all women want a man with a sense of humor.

Truth: Your desire to have us laughing at your jokes stems from an early age. Remember those flatulence jokes that you practiced on your sister? We don’t think they’re funny. And as an adult, when life gets tough, we don’t need a man who’s a joker.

My advice: The ability to make someone laugh and therefore relax in your company can be achieved through wit, intelligence and an intriguing personality. Leave the jokes behind for when you’re with the boys. They, like you, will need as much validation once that beer rears its blond head.

Misconception 2 – Once you consider us one of the boys, it’s permissible to drool over other women in our presence.

Truth: Women are highly intelligent but irrational creatures at times. No matter who you are to us, a friend, a partner, a lover, a potential interest, we like to be made to feel special.

My advice: If you can’t control the urge to compare, even if we play along with you and throw the odd comment about the one with the big boobs and the endless legs, give us a little compliment here and there. We’ll remember it and we’ll always love you for it.

Misconception 3 - Size doesn’t really matter.

Truth: Remember when we asked, ‘Does my bum look big in this’ and you lied? So did we when we told you that (your) size doesn’t matter.

My advice: Accept that some situations in life are a no-win. And don’t ever think you’re the biggest. Because if you do, you’d be the biggest dickhead in our eyes. And we wouldn’t want to have anything to do with either your little brain or its (slightly) larger brother, because size does matter after all.


Misconception 4 – We are open in our communications so we always tell you everything there is to know.

Truth: No matter how much you think you know us, there are times when we expect you to be a mind reader.(No, really. I am serious)

My advice: Every woman is different, so start looking for cues that say ‘I don’t want to come out and say it but you need to try and figure it out’. Make it easier for us to open up on the subject. How? When you figure that one out, let me know. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

Bonus*
Misconception 5 – You think you’re great in bed because you made all your past lovers moan/scream/"insert earth-shattering verb of your choice"

Truth: Sadly, a lot of women fake it. While their reasons may range from ‘so not to burst his ego’ or ‘so he’d hurry up and finish’, they are doing the rest of us a great injustice.

My advice: If she breaks it to you that it was no good, don’t let little brain get the best of you ( please ref #3). Talk it over and discover what can make it better. In some cases you may need to refer to your mind-reading skills (please ref #4), but such is life. Better you’re with someone who’s honest with you than someone who’s lying about intimacy, because in essence that is exactly what it is.


Disclaimers:
1. I don’t claim to be “a purported expert on men” but I make a good observer.
2. Some of the advice here is to be taken with a few grains of salt. I reckon it'll bring out the flavor.

Dear Mr Car-Dealer,

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Your Guide to Friendship

From the Conditional to the Unconditional, friendships exist across a varied spectrum.

The Conditional Friend
Is the one you call to confirm a pre-arrangement and they emphatically put in a caveat or a condition, such as “it cannot be a late night” and by that, they mean past ten pm. They’ll invariably turn into a pumpkin that will explode in your face.

The Better-Option Friend
Is the one who never commits to an arrangement such as a drink, a bite to eat, or the cinema until the last minute. In case they get a better offer. Watch out, they will decline a couple of hours before the social gathering so best if you have a back up plan.

The Honest Friend
Is the one who accepts an invitation but lets you know that they may cancel, due to legit reasons, if they don’t feel up to company. Usually, they’re going through a personal problem and may not feel up to socializing. At least they’ve forewarned you they might be bad company.

The Agreeable Friend
Is the happy-go-lucky type who accepts any suggestion to do anything or go anywhere. They usually leave the choice up to you so don’t take their laid back attitude as a negative sign. They can’t be arsed making decisions but as long as you’re in the driver’s seat, they’re happy being taken for a ride.

The We-Should-Catch-Up Friend
Is the one you run into at shopping centers, or greet occasionally on MSN or sends a surprise email. You sum up your life in 2 minutes and end it with the ‘we-should-catch-up’ phrase, to which both of you agree but never follow it up. Grin and bear it, and go through the motions. That’s all you’ll ever see of this person.

The Call-Me-When-You-Want-To-Meet Friend
Is the one who hardly initiates but happy to come along when you call. Not a bad thing at times, except when it’s you who needs a kick up the arse or can’t be bothered making that call. More often than not, they won’t call if they haven’t heard from you.

The Use-By-Date Friend
Is the one who carries an expiry date tattooed on their forehead. You get along fine now but you know that it won’t last. Try to prolong this friendship and it will leave you with a sour taste in your mouth.

The Best-Before-Date Friend
Is a little different from the Use-By-Date friend in that although you know the friendship won’t last for too long, there is a little more hope that you’ll have things in common should you both decide to pursue it. These friendships are commonplace at work, especially if you’re in the kind of role that involves moving around a lot.

The Background Friend
Is the one who is there in the background of your life and gets to shine when you hit a crisis point. You never thought they were such a good person until then so you grow to appreciate them more.

The One-Way Friend
Is the one deemed to be always the taker and not the giver. These people have serious issues, or they’re just natural born and bred arseholes. They can learn and change up to a point, but only if they wish to do so. Withdrawing your support will sever that friendship as they go searching for another taker. Best if you play the push-pull game with them and keep them keen if you like them

The Lifetime Friend
Is the one you don’t see regularly any more but every time you do, it’s as if you were back together as teenagers giggling at the opposite sex or slamming beers as underage boys. While you may take them for granted, they’ll always bounce back in your life.

The I-Don’t-Want-You-But-No-One-Can-Have-You Friend
Is usually an opposite sex friend, too gutless to let their feelings know or is keeping you around ‘just in case’. The minute you tell them you have a significant other, you never see or hear from them again. Best you identify their intention early. Have fun with them. Then flick them.

The Purpose-Serving Friend
Is the one with whom you develop a sudden and strong connection, because one of you is helping the other through a difficult phase, or because you find many things in common. The friendship is often a good one so you’re led to believe it will last for ever, but once these friend are their for a purpose, and once it is served, you’ll sadly find that what bonded you together no longer exists

The Pity Friend
Is the one you keep around either to make yourself feel good because they’re uglier/fatter/more screwed up/worse off than you. You think you love them to death but the truth is you keep them because you don’t feel to deserve anyone better in your life. One day, they’ll improve themselves and ditch you. And you’ll deserve it because nobody should be that much of a bitch or an arsehole.

The Regurgitator Friend
Is the one who whines to you about someone else whining, or often complains about their colleague complaining, or gets overly angry about someone who often gets angry. While these people mimic those they complain about, they fail to see they do exactly the same thing. You could always slap them some sense around them, but the entertainment value they offer is priceless.

The Fisherman Friend
Is the one who keeps you hanging on the line in case they ever need you, then they reel you in. If you’re smart, you see the friendship for what it is, and put an old boot in your place to kick them in the face when they next cast their reel.

The Just-Friends Friend
Is the one you call platonic and would never sleep with in a million years if you’re female but enjoy their company. And if you’re male, it’s an oxymoron label you wear like the no-name brand under your Armanis. Whether you’re male or female, accept that one day it will end when one of you either gets married or tries to get into a new person’s panties.

The Fantasy Friend
Is the one you keep around and invest a lot of time in because you secretly want them but can’t have them. They fuel your fantasies to new heights and change the regular sex you have into mind-blowing sex. As long as you remember it’s only blowing in your mind, there’s no harm in keeping the around.

The Bouncer Friend
Is the one you’ve known for a long time and you’ve been through cycles where your friendship has waned and strengthened at various points. You may still be able to pick up where you left off but they often leave you wondering when the next time will be.

The Unconditional Friend
Is an urban myth unless that person is the love of your life and your life partner. In that case, count your blessings every day and don’t ever let them go or change. Treat them with love and respect. Spoil them at every chance you get. They’re the only ones who would stand by you no matter what, including the times when no other friend will. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to grow old together and be their unconditional friend for life.