Home Alone on a Friday night.

I’m feel­ing over­stim­u­lated. This is the only night I’ve had alone for the last two weeks, and I haven’t caught up with Frank for the longest time.

Fridays nights always make me feel rest­less. I never ever want to do any­thing after a full day of work, and at the same time I want to be out. I feel so alone, yet I don’t feel lonely. Maybe I’m just too busy to feel anything. Or maybe I’m just get­ting used to the solitude.

It’s a self-imposed exile, so I can’t com­plain. There are so many things I could do, oppor­tu­ni­ties I could take, peo­ple I could see, but I never end up fol­low­ing through. Everything is so sta­ble and com­fort­able when I’m by myself.

Dark Angry Clouds

Far too many people go through life with clouds of anger over their heads, waiting for the first chance to strike at others. Be it is road rage, angry help desk calls, endless unresolved complaints or being undermined at work, people are often on edge, ready to hurl abuse and violence towards others.
There can only be one reason. They are not getting enough sex.

This week I had the misfortune of enduring a nasty situation where an irate woman continuously spat venom at me and refused to allow me to speak. The result was a shouting match where I had no choice but to stoop to her childish tactics by yelling over her voice like the hormonal witch she was, which only served to irate her further.It wasn’t a work situation. It wasn’t a pram pusher getting a vantage spot at a crowded café – though it happens – or a 4WD/SUV driver hogging the road. She claimed to be in charge and when she realised she had been incompetent in her actions, she resorted to yelling at me, the customer, who had invested a substantial sum in the company’s product.

I hated having to retaliate by copying her behaviour. I despised her existence for bringing out the worst in me. I was furious at the cloud of anger she had passed onto me when I carry clearer skies. Though I yelled over her voice and finished by belittling her position in the company, I did not resort to name calling. But my fist was in the air and my inner bitch was shouting, “Fuck you!”, all for a good reason.

There are merits in giving someone the finger, and yelling out the ubiquitous insult. Not only for the feel-good retaliative factor but you could be doing them a favour by passing on the right message. Have sex. And have more sex. And if you’re not sure what is enough, then have some more you f@$%^&* idiot sh%^&*of a b(&^%$#!!!
Nothing like a good prick to that bubble of anger over their heads to give them the release they so desperately need.

Emptiness

It's been more than three years since we first started going out with each other. It's also more than three years before I realised that we have far and few sentimental records of us being together. We have very few pictures of us being together, we don't have a special place where we did anything out of the ordinary, we don't even have a song that reminds us of our time together and heck, none of us can remember the exact date of when we actually started going out. In short, we appear as confused and devoid of all things romantic as people who have never dated in their lives.

Yet, three years is a long time to go without the normal idea of what a relationship should be and maybe, that has always been for the better. For if the conventional idea of a relationship often leads to more breakups in the general population than you can stomach, perhaps it is high time to take the unconventional route. One that you're more comfortable with.

As much as the sentimental romantic in me may want to have all the recorded memories of our time together for a future that I want to share, the fact that not even time and distance seem to put a dent the relationship proves that one thing is for sure. Unorthodox ways work best with unorthodox people and I don't think that all the special songs and spots in the world could achieve what we have accomplished over the years.

For what it's worth, I'm happy we're doing something right for a change and I know, several thousand miles away, in another timezone, that he is as well..

So What Happens Next..?

As I have said over and over again, 2009 has seen me constantly obsessing about the future and what is in store for me, despite knowing how useless of an endeavor such worry is.

Well tonight I am having one of those all too rare moments of contentment so I thought I should write about it for posterity’s sake.

Tonight, I am happy. Maybe my life hasn’t taken the path I thought it would, but nonetheless I do believe that I am right where I am meant to be.

In the words of a book that I’ve recently fallen in love with (“The Private Lives of Pippa Lee” — Rebecca Miller) “I’m just … seeing what happens next.”

The Ugly Christmas Truth.

I always open Christmas gifts, especially from family or family friends, with a little trepidation. It’s more of an obligation than anything else for many people to give me something, and I’m of the firm belief that if someone isn’t going to like or have use for a gift, one shouldn’t give anything at all. There’s no point to giving someone a stupid present, and it just ends up being worse than if one gets nothing. There are a few exception to this rule, being the thought or effort put into the gift, although there is generally none of either if someone doesn’t like the present anyway. Sometimes it just ends up being the fact that the best intentions are used, but a gift isn’t needed to figure this out.

Of course, I’ve been known as the hardest person to shop for anyway, since I usually buy whatever I want. As soon as an idea is in my head for something I’d like, I’ll research it for a few days and then go out and buy it. It ends up being very rare that I want to get something I don’t have, mainly due to the fact that my interests are fairly simple and affordable.

Christmas Decisions.

I’m a re-gifter and I don’t care who knows it. Some gifts are right for some people, and other gifts are right for others. If someone is thoughtless enough to get me a gift I wouldn’t use, I’m doing them a fucking favour by finding a better person for it. Sometimes, the best gifts are second hand, when one knows that it’s right for oneself, but also knows that it would make someone else even happier.

Chip Off the Old Block.

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight

—Linkin Park, Breaking The Habit

Studies have shown that kids with divorced parents are much more likely to end up being divorced themselves. As role models, we take the way their parents treat each other and use this as a model for our own relationships. And eventually, our kids end up treating their kids the same way because that’s all they know.

I used to take my boyfriends for granted. It could have been a way for me to distance myself to prevent getting hurt (as therapy has shown), or it may have just been what I thought relationships were like.

Though, I can't recall my parents doing the same thing to each each. I was told that they didn’t marry out of love, they married because it was the thing to do when you reached a certain age. Eventually, they merely inhabited the same house, not even sleeping in the same bed or room.

It’s a cycle, a trap. But that’s not an excuse for me.

I refuse to be like them. I refuse to end up like they did. I’m going to do my best to change that about myself.

And I will break the cycle.

S is for .....So What Have I Been Up To Lately?

• Caught up with friends after a twenty year absence
• Battled a nasty cold and but haven't quite won, even after two weeks.
• Had a dream about my neglected novel, guilty much?
• Made margarita out of the lemons life has thrown at me
• Saw myself on a videotape from many moons ago and wondered what happened to that girl.
• Then I remembered.
• Felt light as a feather after purging my rss reader of many blogs.
• Until I added new ones.
• Bit my tongue several times. Next time I’ll numb it with alcohol first.
• Stayed in warm PJs all day and felt good.
• Had a busy social weekend involving too much food and not enough Martinis.
• Thought about exercising but decided to eat less and sleep in.
• Told an 8-month old not to grow up so fast.
• Sighed for sunny days and wished I could bottle it in suntan oil.
• Wore sunglasses and waited for that light at the end of the tunnel to turn into sunshine.

R is for .... Real Determination...

Over the past few weeks, I've worked hard to be happier for myself. It's not exactly an easy thing to do when you've spent your entire life planning the rest of it away. The trick isn't just about taking it easy, it's also trusting yourself that everything works out even if your fingers aren't deep in it.

Yet, finding out that you can be happy for yourself, doesn't mean that others can be happy for you too. It's a harsh world we live it that hardly anyone can appreciate the aesthetics of your own perspectives or the effort you put into to getting the things you want, the things that make you happy. It's one thing to be happy for yourself, it's another to have a someone share that happiness with you.

Still, even with realizing this obvious part of life, it's a good thing I still can be happy for myself. Yeah, it can be a little depressing to know that people thrive on making other people feel miserable. It can be lonely to have not even those closest to you share in the appreciation of hard earn rewards. But the basic parts of life don't start with other people, they end with it.

Happiness always starts from you. Whether you're genuinely living in a yoghurt commercial or like me skewed enough to like the darker side of life. Your smile starts with your sense of self. Where everything goes from there is entirely up to you. Whether you want to spread your joy or keep it there. It doesn't really matter what people do. After all, if you can't get yourself down…how can anyone else do that for you?

A Cupcake Kinda Day.

Today is one of those odd days, I’ve been unusually tired, cranky, and I actually burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all this morning. Thank goodness today is my day off!

So for a nutritionally poor but emotionally healthy supper, I’m having chocolate cupcakes! The butter cream frosting is a little heavy and a tad brown (too much vanilla) but I’m willing to bet this is just what I need, after all… “A day without chocolate is a day without sunshine!”

Is Honesty the Best Policy After All?

Whoever said that honesty is the best policy probably never worked in politics, had a relationship or dealt with any area that involves people and their emotions. As long as you're not covering up some massive conspiracy involving dead people you killed, it's alright. It's only a little white lie.

While I usually would have something interesting to go along with this little piece of today's wisdom, I fear that any more of this and I would need to scrub myself down as if I was trying to remove toxic waste from my skin. Sometimes I forget that in dealing with people, it means you have to keep wearing the masks that hide who you really are, because people don't believe in anything else other than their own sense of self. I ask you, do I really have to keep wearing this mask every time I talk to even people I consider my close friends? Do we really have to?

Now I really feel like I need a shower.

Sometimes....

...while I'm out shopping by myself, I pretend to talk on my cell phone so that I don't have to talk to the annoying salesperson in the clothing store.

F is for ....

....Fabulous.

I just went outside and danced in the rain with my friend. Barefoot. This, my friends, is why life is so fabulous.

Conversational Crafts.

Initially I found the lady who talks about her kids all the time annoying, but these days I have come around to admiring her impressive ability to turn every conversation, no matter how it begins, into being about her children. Today she wove a beautiful tapestry depicting her children’s illnesses out of the threads of a air-conditioner/dehumidifier discussion. Eventually, as always, my eyes start to glaze over when she starts listing off the various antibiotics and prescriptions to combat these illnesses, but I’m still amazed by the subtlety of the transitioning.

I no longer begrudge her talking about her kids all the time. Two things generally consume most people: their kids (I include dogs, cats and horses in this category), and their work. And as tepid as her children’s illnesses are to me, I’d probably rather her talk about that than her particular narrow area of research. Instead, I am left wishing I had her conversational skills. Have not a single thing in common at all with someone new you have met? You could grasp endlessly for things to say, asking the same dumb questions everyone asks (”so, what do you do?”), the answers to which you’ll forget anyway. There is a girl whom I run into about every four months, and each time we have the exact same exchange: “So, what are you up to these days?” “Oh, nothing much, working, doing some yoga…” (here’s where both of us go on mental autopilot). I tried to mix it up last time I saw her:

Girl: “I’m doing some crafting, and cooking…”

Me: “Ooh, me too! This morning I made some souffles, and also I designed and painted some glass bottles."

Girl, who looks at me like I am CRAZY: “Wow, that sounds…nice.”

Hanging out with my eccentric friends makes me forget sometimes that it is not normal to do things like paint glass bottles, say, or have watermelon themed potlucks at which no watermelon is actually served. Next time I run into her, I shall stick to the script.

Another alternative is to be stuck in the dreaded endless loop of filler conversation. When meeting relatives, I had the misfortune of sitting next to one of uncles-in-law, who - though very, very nice - told the most long-winded, uninteresting stories. Well, not so much stories, because that would imply plot or point, and - well, this was kind of an art, too. He could construe very long sentences about absolutely nothing. Kind of like the ambassador in the first book in the Foundation series*, whose speech over the course of a week was analyzed logically and the filler words canceled out, leaving behind not a single word of content. I very much wanted to overhear what was going on at the other end of the table, where my aunt was regaling the more fortunate guests with tales of the history of the small town where they had grown up, and how things have changed (as you can see, I have a very high tolerance for things that would probably bore people) Instead I kept getting sucked back into conversation with the Say-Nothing guy. And his own brother who sat on the other side of him; at a much later time I found out that he dreads these get-togethers specifically because of Say-Nothing guy. Can’t say I blame him!

The best strategy, maybe, is to just seize control of the conversation and bring it over to your turf! Screw it all, if you want to talk about nothing about Battlestar Galactica, just say that such-and-such person “could be a Cylon” and just run with it (I’ve seen this in action). If you’re a parent you’ll have a vast trove of funny anecdotes about what your kids said or did. If you’re a crazy cat lady, ditto. If everyone in the world could be freed from convention, and actually talk about their passions - maybe together we could weave a fascinating story.

* NERD ALERT

Not very good at this

Do they have to make your heart skip a beat? Right away? Or is attraction or interest something that can grow as you get to know someone.

I've been fully consumed by the butterflies and weak knees only to have those feelings wane. I've been not-so-interested, only to become more interested. But the latter has never grown to the butterflies. Never become the person I can't wait to see, wait to talk to.

Maybe it's just me. I don't know. But I think there has to be a spark near the beginning, or it won't work. Not in the long term.

You can try to convince yourself that he might be a possibility. The perfectly nice guy that insists on taking you to dinner and concerts. Who opens the door for you. Who says sweet things about your smile. That is interesting to talk to. Who should be the right guy. That his niceness will create more.

But in my (limited) experience that has never been the case. Whether I give it a few dates to spark or over a year. (Yes, I know, save your breath.)

But this time I think it might be me. I am not feeling up to dating. Or constantly putting my best foot forward. To meet new guys, only to go on a date or two and for one of us to lose interest. I'm tired of trying. Does it have to be this hard?

In no particular order:

8 things I am passionate about:

good food

writing

equality

animals

music

singing (badly mind you)

art

family

8 things I want to do before I die:

snowboard

climb a huge-ass mountain

learn more languages

learn to paint

relocate to South Africa

run a half marathon

travel more

find peace

8 things I say often:"no way!"

"Oh Aye" - (slap me right now)

"Bastardo"

"shites"

"have you seen my ....."

"I don't understand"

"this place is hip..?"

"Err,sikes..."

"beer? oh yeah"

8 books I have recently read:

Going Postal - Terry Pratchett

Scarpetta - Patricia Cornwell

After Dark - Haruki Murakami

Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman

Never Let Me Go - Kazuo Ishiguro

The To-Do List - Mike Gayle

Life: Selected Quotations - Paulo Coelho

Dispatches from the Edge - Anderson Cooper

8 songs I could listen to over and over:

Best of You - Foo Fighters

Cry to me - Solomon Burke

Room at the top - Adam Ant

Don't Dream its over - Crowded House

Blue Sky Mining - Midnight Oil

I Choose You - Bindi Blatcher

Dancefloor - Stylophonics

One More Time - Daft Punk

8 things that attract me to my friends:

they are strange-crazy

they make me laugh

they love a good rant

they keep me grounded

they are smart

they teach me things

they offer me support

they accept me

Sugar High

I'm self-diagnosing but I am pretty sure that I am a sugar addict.

Admitting is the first step, right?

So after some soul searching, I've decided to bite the bullet and enter sugar detox. I've been researching and picking people's brains (smart people with varying views) about it. This week, each day, I've tried to make smart choices. Maybe for the first time in my life I am not seeking perfection, rather I just want to do better.

I know I can do better.

This got me thinking: Why is it that offices are a breeding ground for crap food? It's like we all want to bring in the candy, the cupcakes, the cookies, and homemade breads so it gives us permission to over-indulge. The other day it was a co-worker's birthday and someone brought in cupcakes. It was 3:30pm and I was dying for a pick me up and those stupid cakes were taunting me. Instead of eating one (because really, they didn't look that great and frankly, if they aren't CupCake Chic cupcakes, forget it) I emailed my friend berating the offending cupcakes and bemoaning their hold over me.

I've had a headache since yesterday but I haven't felt as hungry. I feel full before I've eaten my entire lunch. This could very well be the first step I've been looking for. Too bad I timed it with my PMS (ha ha, luckily I don't actually suffer from PMS but it was still fun to taunt them). Awesome fun for everyone within a mile of me. I've told my co-workers I'll stick a warning label on when it gets really bad.

"Warning: Sugar Addict. Day 3 of Detox. Do Not Taunt or Unwrap Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Within 10 Steps of Her."

Back In Those Days...

Found this on another blog; it was interesting enought so I stole it, you know how it goes...


1.Did you date someone from your school? If you use the term ‘date’ loosely, then yes.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? No

3. Did you car pool to school? No, my grandpa drove me to school. I was so cool.

4. What kind of car did you have? I didn’t. but my mom’s car was a silver Toyota
… at least I think it was a Toyota. I’m soooooo in to cars, can’t you tell?

5. What kind of car do you have now? Err, its some locally made Malaysian car, I have no idea..

6. Its Friday night...where are you now? Home… probably watching tv.

7. It is Friday night...where were you? Either driving around or in Brian’s basement complaining about how Hempfield sucks.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? Gopher at my uncle's law firm.

9. What kind of job do you do now? I’m an office bitch. Ha!

10. Were you a party animal? Ha! The stories I could tell...

11. Were you considered a flirt? I had my moments.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? All three but not necessarily in that order.

13. Were you a nerd? Not really, but I’m sure I wasn’t one of the cool kids either.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled? Never.

15. Can you sing the fight song? Huh? Did Hempfield have a fight song?? Duh-uh.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? I don’t know if I really had a favorite.

17. Where did you sit during lunch? Inside the cafeteria, away from the cheerleaders' table.

18. What was your school's full name? Hempfield Area High School.

19. When did you graduate? Did I graduate?

20. What was your school mascot? Spartans,go Spartans!

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you? I would if I could change it up. Go back, have some self-confidence. Maybe rock that 16 year old hottie body a little more.

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Yes, I did! But the after parties were better!

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? Nope. He's somewhere in Pennsylvania, saving the environment.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? No.

25. Do you still talk to people from school? Thanks to facebook I ‘talk’ to a couple of 'em.

26. What are/were your school's colors? Blue and White.

27. What grades did you make? 4.0 until I met Mrs Johnson in Physics. Sigh.

28. What was your favorite class/subject? Don’t know if it was really my favorite but I liked Calculus.

29. Did you belong to any clubs? Yearbook, Drama Society, Rotary Club, French Club, Spanish Club.

30. Were you popular? Not in the traditional sense but yes, people knew who I was. How could they not, I was the token minority! :)

Confession # 4

I waited for more than 3 months to see a particular eye doctor because he's really hot looking. He's my sexy Optician. I also have a sexy dentist for whom I will wait ridiculous amounts of time to see. Too bad I don't have a sexy Gynae.

Just thinking

Never underestimate the value of shared domesticity to someone who hasn't had it.

Sometimes a person looks at the people in oncoming cars, especially when making a turn. Sometimes a person is interested by someone they'll never see again.

I think my family is anxious to see me settle down soon, with someone decent this time.

I like some of my moods better than others. I am embarassed by the state of my mind sometimes.

I feel better when I get some exercise. I re-realized this because, I've only been to the gym once in the past month, that trip being today.

I should already be asleep.