N ....is for Narcissistic Voyeurism

1. I like to have more in my life. Though in retrospect, it is only certain things in my life that I want more of. Mostly abstract things like respect, love and popularity. Of course, I would also want more gadgets, I can't get enough of the cold metallic machines in my life. Neither can I get enough of knowledge. More is good. I believe that the quest for more will always get you what you want in life, if you're willing to pay its price.

2. I procrastinate at an almost pathological level. It's not a bad thing at times, not doing something always leaves me room to think of ways to do it better. I used to try and get things done as quickly as possible, but these days I get things done when they are needed. It doesn't mean I'll miss a deadline, it just means I won't get a heart attack worrying about things when there isn't a need to worry about them.

3. I like to take satisfaction for every little thing that I do. It doesn't matter how small it might be for other people. As long as I know I achieved it on my own terms with my own hands. I like to stand tall and tell the world I know what I'm doing and I look good doing it. It does help in boosting my self-confidence and ego. Things I think everyone needs if they want to get ahead in the world. Some people say that self-praise is no praise at all. I say self-praise is the only praise you can trust to push you forward when the times get tough and there is no one there to prop you up.

4. I tend to want what other people have. It's no real fault of mine. The world is simply too big to think of everything you may need or want for yourself. It doesn't always mean that I want a new computer just because someone I know just bought one for themselves. It also means qualities that other people have are qualities I wish I could have for myself. If it can benefit them, it most certainly can benefit me. It fits in with the first fact about me. While having more is good, you have to start wanting them. I want what you have and I want it badly.

5. While it's not immediately obvious to the plain eye, I am a sexual person. When people talk about sex, drugs and rock and roll, for me at least, sex is my drug and rock and roll. It doesn't always mean the act itself though. The world of sex can be both innocently beautiful as well as decadently depraved. Whether it can be the act of a simple flirt or a full blown seduction. Whether it can be the tender morning afters or the sadistic masochism. It's a world I love because it can be so blissfully rewarding at times.

6. I'm a food person. If you find me in a new place I haven't been before, you can rest assured I'll be indulging myself in the local delicacies. That being said, I'm willing to try eat anything at least once. Fried grasshoppers? Surprisingly good. Sheeps eyeballs? I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. Fugu? That's one extreme sport I have yet to taste. After all, life's too short not to start treating your tastebuds right.

7. I am a very angry person. Angry and frustrated about a lot of things in my life. Mostly the past, but it does carry a little of itself into the present, poisoning it with every touch. I used to have a very short fuse, but I got better in controlling my anger. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not because that anger and frustration has given rise to a seething vindictiveness towards all the wrongs in my life. The only benefit that has come out of it is that the anger has also pushed me to go further than I would have gone before. It brings all my other traits together into a whole. Without it, I don't think I would have had the strength to carry on this far in life, succeeding when others predicted that I would fail. My anger is my strength and I am honored to have it.

Random Musings of the Week.

1. Waking up in the morning to realise that the dream you so vividly remember when you were half awake is now all but forgotten may quite often be a blessing in disguise.
2. The only solution against the mind numbing repetition at work is the ability to love what you do. Passion is its own rose coloured glasses.
3. Love is not easy, but it is never complicated. Like trying to lift an engine block out of a car, you really need to put your back into it, but it definitely isn't something that requires you to be a rocket scientist to accomplish.
4. Solitude a heavy burden to bear, but what's sadder still is when the only place left to turn to for comfort are the inorganic machines in your life and the fictional worlds in which they hold.
5. You have all the reason in the world to fear a future you can't understand or see, but you have more reason to fear a future you aren't willing to step up to and face. Our destinies are shaped not by the fates that befall us, but the actions of what we're willing to do to overcome them.

The Laws of Attraction.

Most people don't bother with the 'why' of love, they think it's completely inconsequential. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you actually know the reason why you're in love with them in the first place. Yes … good logic, one that I would usually beg to differ.

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to stop thinking of the reasons why you should keep on loving a person … especially when you're not entirely clear why you love the person in the first place. It's just common sense…one that would avoid the unecessary complications later. It's one thing to fall in love for the wrong reasons…it's another to be completely oblivious to those reasons.

I'm saying this right now because maybe I have found the reasons why I care and why I always have love for certain people. It's not enough that I have some undesireble need to solve every puzzle that interests me, it's just that somewhere along the way, I developed this delusion that I can fix everything. I stay with people not because I know they can make me happy, but because I know they are damaged.

It didn't matter that in some parts, they can drive me to the edge of insanity. It only mattered for the most part that I had the pathological need to fix things. Normal people bore me. They are uninteresting and often repetitive with mundane issues that a monkey with a bottle of aspirin can fix. People with two feet out the door, now there lies something eye-catching.

Damaged people, people not right in the head, people whom society calls for them to see shrinks, people who actually need to see a shrink…those are the people I pay most attention to, people whom I most seem to actually care for … people I can actually fall in love with, especially the ones that work well hiding their own damaged selves from public eye. There is my reason.

It's not just the 'want' with me anymore, but the need for me to be there for those that have a reason to have a puzzle unlocked … like the Rubik's cube I constantly finish over and over again on a daily basis on pure instinct. The attraction like any is as old as any … to find a person I'm always there to ponder and put together and never be satisfied with the answer. A person who is puzzle that can never be solved, a constant attraction and self-completeness till the day I die.

That's my reason for loving someone. That's my own siren's song in a ocean of people. The catch, however as always, is whether the feeling can ever be returned. Whether my own damaged self is a constant interest and a Rubik's Cube to the object of my affection. Of course … that is another story altogether.

Is Honesty the Best Policy After All?

Whoever said that honesty is the best policy probably never worked in politics, had a relationship or dealt with any area that involves people and their emotions. As long as you're not covering up some massive conspiracy involving dead people you killed, it's alright. It's only a little white lie.

While I usually would have something interesting to go along with this little piece of today's wisdom, I fear that any more of this and I would need to scrub myself down as if I was trying to remove toxic waste from my skin. Sometimes I forget that in dealing with people, it means you have to keep wearing the masks that hide who you really are, because people don't believe in anything else other than their own sense of self. I ask you, do I really have to keep wearing this mask every time I talk to even people I consider my close friends? Do we really have to?

Now I really feel like I need a shower.

Blink.. And It's Gone!

One moment of perfection. A moment in eternity where everything somehow seemed…right. That's what you get when you got that perfect understanding and connection. That's what you get when for that brief moment, as if the universe all flowed in one direction and you're at the center of it all, everything works out exactly at the right time and at the right place.

Whether by an understanding of an idea, an epiphany, a connection with a kindred spirit or a soul mate. Somehow…everything for that moment makes perfect sense and at the same time…everything doesn't matter but what is going on at that very second in time.

I know it isn't going to last long, I'm sure as hell it isn't going to last the next few hours. But while I'm in that state of the universe making perfect sense, I like to appreciate this moment in time. That's probably why I'm blogging this down. This is a record of the very moment I saw a future…a possible future where I could follow my dream and not give up everything I was born with. A possible future where I don't have to make a choice to sacrifice my what I want for what needs to be done.

All it takes is one choice, one act and everything can fall into place. If that role is played out again…then by all means…it's there for a reason. It's not just as a purpose for something, it is THE purpose of doing everything. It is the sign, the vison, the prelude and harbinger to a future we all can share together. A future that demands us no lighter responsibility and no greater sacrifice…but a future that rewards us with not just a world for others to share…but a world where we can share in the fruits of our sweat and blood.

Some days it's just good to feel alive. This…is definitely one of them.

Conversations.

Does no one talk anymore? It feels as if everyone needs to be doing something in order to be entertained. I remember trying to get together with an old friend for some drinks, maybe a coffee so that I could find out how he was doing. We were good friends in school, and since I hadn’t seen him in over six years, I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn about what he had been doing. When we were actually able to get together, we ended up playing board games. Although I had a good time, it felt odd that I didn’t have any updates from him by the time I left.

I understand that most people are busy with work, so much so that relaxation time ends up being hard-core playing and drinking time, which doesn’t involve something as lackadaisical as talking. I’ve been able to meet some good conversationalists, like Allain, Kevin and Nick, but they’re generally too busy to speak with. I don’t think anyone is at fault here, I guess I just wish that more people would be interested in conversation, who could commit more time to it.

I think it’s the fact that my brain is exercised when I can talk with someone. Many thoughts that are cloudy in my head become more solidified. I’m also able to learn so much when someone has a different perspective, and learning feels so good. It’s a pity that I don’t know more people that I can simply talk to. I haven’t had a nice, long conversation possibly in a year, since generally all other conversations feel rushed from work or some other activity. No one has the time to talk until 3 am anymore.

It’s going to be a long week.

Our Multiple Roles in Life.

At some point in time, I became an adult. Handling the responsibilities of a paid job, a roof over my head, bills and just basically trying to fit in all the things needed to survive a daily life. In a way, the life I've lived has always been this way. It wasn't hard to slip in and out of handling responsibilities in the real world when a large part of you was always living in it on your own. It makes you forget any distinction. It makes you forget any solace.

At some point in time, I became a lover. Basking in the warm radiance of someone who complements the kind of person you are, in spite of the best and worst parts of yourself. There are the joys of doting and being doted upon, and the bleakness of separation by time and distance. Yet at its core lies an unchangeable essence that has kept the relationship alive day after day, ironically born from the same failures in the past. It makes us heal the painful memories. It makes us know that we are never alone.

At some point in time, I became a child. Idly playing in a world that I never did in the years I should have, experiencing life through the eyes of innocence and cheekiness rather than a hard, morbid cynicism. In a way, the old world is new again, if only to share with a select group of people like a kid pretending to be hero with a secret identity. Yet in this playfulness lies a painful realisation that all good things must come to an end, even if it is temporary. It makes you appreciate what what's been missing. It makes you reach out for the things we desire most.

No matter what I've become over the years, they are still a part of me I've came to realise after some time. Such changes are never things you see coming, more often than not, they are gradual, like the shifting landscape that took centuries to carve. Yet, in these changes, they are often permanent, becoming a part of who you are rather than a temporary mask you slap on to get along with the people around you. It's what makes us the people we are, rather than the people we're forced to become. It is still you as I am still me. For better or for worse, we have to live with it, and live with it the best way we can.

Cat Tax.

The key to winning over a cat is to pay the cat 'tax'. Whenever I enter a room with a cat in it, whether it’s just coming out of the shower, coming home from work, or just walking around the apartment, I’ll give the cat a little scratch. It lets him know that his presence is recognized, and that he's never ignored, not even once. It’s a small price to pay to have a cat who’s friendly and trusting.

A Little bit on Friendship.

I remember watching Seinfeld, and not being able to stand Kramer. He seemed to ruin so much of what his friends were doing, like hiring cigar rollers to roll crêpes, only to have them explode in the faces of customers, somehow causing George’s girlfriend to break up with him.

It always made me wonder why Jerry would never break off his friendship with him, why Jerry would always put up with someone who never seemed to give as much pleasure as the amount of strife he created.

I find the situation to be so common. I suppose that I’m constantly re-evaluating my relationships, and that as soon as a limit is reached, I have no interest in continuing the relationship. It’s probably the reason why I get over my break-ups so quickly, if not the idea of the situation, than the comfort. The fact that I’ve always been the breaker probably helps too.

I spoke with G about it, and he explained to me very well that to Jerry, the friendship was worth it. I now understand that people see their friendships in a different manner, and that what I wouldn’t put up with may just be a simple matter to others.

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t see everything so day-to-day. However, by constantly re-evaluating my relationships, I not only clearly see the problems with bad ones, but I am able to appreciate the ones that are good as well.

An idea that has become common in my beliefs is that I should live as a demanding person, but I should give as much as I get. Perhaps that’s why I stop being friends with certain people, whereas others I would die for. I would prefer to live with a few close friends, as opposed to a plethora of acquaintances. Sometimes it still confuses me though, how people can put up with what I can only see as a terrible flaw.

There’s a fine line between knowing when to be selfish, and knowing when to be kind to others, even if kindness means sacrifice.

You (Only) Think You Know Me, but...

I never tell anyone to keep my secrets. I only tell secrets to those I trust, which happens to be less than a handful of people. These people know me well enough to understand the gravity of what I talk about and gauge whether they should keep it to themselves.

Whenever people ask that I don’t tell anyone else about what they’re about to say, I never even acknowledge the request. For me, it’s a complete given, something that shouldn’t even have to be said. I will rarely talk about anyone to anyone else, because one can never be too sure about what should be kept secret. Some people find that I take this a little to the extreme, since I won’t even talk about something like what someone ordered for dinner on the off-chance that they’re on a diet and don’t want others to know. The risk of hurting somebody is never worth it to me.

I think this way mainly due to the fact that I’ve gone through a lot of pain and trouble, simply due to some “innocent” gossip. I can’t fricking stand it when people talk about things that don’t concern them in any way, aside from only knowing the people involved. I especially can’t stand it when someone knows that saying something is wrong, and they go ahead and do it anyway. It’s made me a very unopen person to most. It’s not just the potential for hurt though, there are some things that I simply don’t want people to know.

But that’s another story altogether.