S is for .....So What Have I Been Up To Lately?

• Caught up with friends after a twenty year absence
• Battled a nasty cold and but haven't quite won, even after two weeks.
• Had a dream about my neglected novel, guilty much?
• Made margarita out of the lemons life has thrown at me
• Saw myself on a videotape from many moons ago and wondered what happened to that girl.
• Then I remembered.
• Felt light as a feather after purging my rss reader of many blogs.
• Until I added new ones.
• Bit my tongue several times. Next time I’ll numb it with alcohol first.
• Stayed in warm PJs all day and felt good.
• Had a busy social weekend involving too much food and not enough Martinis.
• Thought about exercising but decided to eat less and sleep in.
• Told an 8-month old not to grow up so fast.
• Sighed for sunny days and wished I could bottle it in suntan oil.
• Wore sunglasses and waited for that light at the end of the tunnel to turn into sunshine.

R is for .... Real Determination...

Over the past few weeks, I've worked hard to be happier for myself. It's not exactly an easy thing to do when you've spent your entire life planning the rest of it away. The trick isn't just about taking it easy, it's also trusting yourself that everything works out even if your fingers aren't deep in it.

Yet, finding out that you can be happy for yourself, doesn't mean that others can be happy for you too. It's a harsh world we live it that hardly anyone can appreciate the aesthetics of your own perspectives or the effort you put into to getting the things you want, the things that make you happy. It's one thing to be happy for yourself, it's another to have a someone share that happiness with you.

Still, even with realizing this obvious part of life, it's a good thing I still can be happy for myself. Yeah, it can be a little depressing to know that people thrive on making other people feel miserable. It can be lonely to have not even those closest to you share in the appreciation of hard earn rewards. But the basic parts of life don't start with other people, they end with it.

Happiness always starts from you. Whether you're genuinely living in a yoghurt commercial or like me skewed enough to like the darker side of life. Your smile starts with your sense of self. Where everything goes from there is entirely up to you. Whether you want to spread your joy or keep it there. It doesn't really matter what people do. After all, if you can't get yourself down…how can anyone else do that for you?

Q is for ......Question Yourself.

It's hard to pretend that everything else in the world doesn't matter, especially when it does. Some of us aren't born to be machines and as much as we try, hiding and holding everything inside of us only serves to eat away the parts of us which makes us who we are. But the farce isn't without purpose.

Sometimes, we have to do things we don't like in order to uphold the responsibilities we are tasked over. More so, we do it to protect the people we care about. While taxing on the state of our sanity, nothing good comes from directing our frustrations and displeasure at the world. So to protect that world, we become its source of strength. We become the cold dark that's unaffected by the rigors and stress that life mercilessly throws at us. To protect everything we care for, we shoulder those burdens that are mapped out to test us.

Yet, what of our own fragile self? Do we have a choice to save ourselves from a potential breakdown? Yes, we always do. The question is, will life ever let us off so easily to take a break? That depends on how lucky you can be. At least in my case, I don't have to be surprised at what I already know. Life for me isn't one born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but at least I can say I kept on fighting it, even if was for selfish reasons, even if it was for selfless motives. At least I keep fighting…until I go down that is.

When that time comes of course, don't blame me and most certainly don't blame yourself. It was my choice given what I had. For better or worse, I think I reserve the right to exercise my actions to the best of my abilities. Especially because it was done to protect you, from the world that would hurt you.

And especially from the me who burns with a black fire that no one should ever see.

P is for ... Procrastination.

1.Time is always relative. It passes by fast when you're doing something important. It passes by even faster when you're doing something you think is important but really isn't at all.

2.Sometimes a moment of reminiscence can turn into a weekend long marathon of reclaiming the old glory days. Complete of course with staying up 'till the wee hours of the morning for reasons that had nothing to do with fast approaching deadlines

3.Scheduled power cuts does put things into perspective. We take electricity for granted far too much. So much so that despite sleeping in to past the time, I still find myself pacing back and forth over the same spot, lost in aimless contemplation of what could I possibly do next that doesn't need to be plugged into the wall socket.

4.Saying you'll turn in early for the night doesn't always take into account listening to stories from people far away. Especially people you miss dearly. Especially stories you wish you could have been a part of.

5.Sometimes the weekend doesn't always last for two days, especially if you have control over your own working schedule. Sometimes there is just nothing to do. Or at least that's what you keep telling yourself while looking away from the pile of papers you're supposed to be reading.

6.Procrastination can be such a pain to deal with. But sometimes, just sometimes, it can be your only friend in the entire world. Especially if you pretend that there are no consequences to it.

O is for ... Oh My God, What The Hell Am I Doing With My Life!

1.When life becomes routine and everything is set on autopilot, sometimes you have to remind yourself that there is a bigger purpose to life than just what you're doing now. Lest you end up being stuck in the same plot over and over again. Never going anywhere or amounting to anything.

2.If there is anything I don't like, is when there are spontaneous interruptions in my tight schedule. I don't see how some people can find that "a welcoming distraction"

3.When the end of a line approaches, is it alright to dread the consequences of your actions prior? Is it even alright to dread the beginning of a line in which you don't know where it ends?

4.In the face of all the worry, all the fear and all the doubt, there is a little dark hole in my head I crawl into to make everything go away. A place where I am abstained from everything that a person feels. Right now, I think I need to permanently put a bed and a coffee machine into that hole.

5.Some days, not even a generous helping of your favourite bourbon on the rocks can make your day feel any better. But it does always put things into perspective. When all is done and gone, it's always time to refill the glass. Over and over again.

N ....is for Narcissistic Voyeurism

1. I like to have more in my life. Though in retrospect, it is only certain things in my life that I want more of. Mostly abstract things like respect, love and popularity. Of course, I would also want more gadgets, I can't get enough of the cold metallic machines in my life. Neither can I get enough of knowledge. More is good. I believe that the quest for more will always get you what you want in life, if you're willing to pay its price.

2. I procrastinate at an almost pathological level. It's not a bad thing at times, not doing something always leaves me room to think of ways to do it better. I used to try and get things done as quickly as possible, but these days I get things done when they are needed. It doesn't mean I'll miss a deadline, it just means I won't get a heart attack worrying about things when there isn't a need to worry about them.

3. I like to take satisfaction for every little thing that I do. It doesn't matter how small it might be for other people. As long as I know I achieved it on my own terms with my own hands. I like to stand tall and tell the world I know what I'm doing and I look good doing it. It does help in boosting my self-confidence and ego. Things I think everyone needs if they want to get ahead in the world. Some people say that self-praise is no praise at all. I say self-praise is the only praise you can trust to push you forward when the times get tough and there is no one there to prop you up.

4. I tend to want what other people have. It's no real fault of mine. The world is simply too big to think of everything you may need or want for yourself. It doesn't always mean that I want a new computer just because someone I know just bought one for themselves. It also means qualities that other people have are qualities I wish I could have for myself. If it can benefit them, it most certainly can benefit me. It fits in with the first fact about me. While having more is good, you have to start wanting them. I want what you have and I want it badly.

5. While it's not immediately obvious to the plain eye, I am a sexual person. When people talk about sex, drugs and rock and roll, for me at least, sex is my drug and rock and roll. It doesn't always mean the act itself though. The world of sex can be both innocently beautiful as well as decadently depraved. Whether it can be the act of a simple flirt or a full blown seduction. Whether it can be the tender morning afters or the sadistic masochism. It's a world I love because it can be so blissfully rewarding at times.

6. I'm a food person. If you find me in a new place I haven't been before, you can rest assured I'll be indulging myself in the local delicacies. That being said, I'm willing to try eat anything at least once. Fried grasshoppers? Surprisingly good. Sheeps eyeballs? I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. Fugu? That's one extreme sport I have yet to taste. After all, life's too short not to start treating your tastebuds right.

7. I am a very angry person. Angry and frustrated about a lot of things in my life. Mostly the past, but it does carry a little of itself into the present, poisoning it with every touch. I used to have a very short fuse, but I got better in controlling my anger. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not because that anger and frustration has given rise to a seething vindictiveness towards all the wrongs in my life. The only benefit that has come out of it is that the anger has also pushed me to go further than I would have gone before. It brings all my other traits together into a whole. Without it, I don't think I would have had the strength to carry on this far in life, succeeding when others predicted that I would fail. My anger is my strength and I am honored to have it.

M is for .. Making it worthwhile.

Sometimes it feels like there’s too much to think about, too much to wonder about, too much to understand. It seems like I’ll never be able to catch up with all my thoughts. There are too many things that take me too long to know. Yet I’m still learning, or trying, at least, every day.

I wish I had all the time in the world to figure things out, to become wiser or more intelligent.

It would be worth it.

L is for .....Lousy Days Are Here.

I'm sorry."

"That's alright, it happens all the time."

Yes it happens all the time and while I shouldn't be feeling any more down and out than I already am, it's hard not to. There are a lot of things on my shoulder right now and while that usually isn't cause for concern, the lack of finding something to take my mind off things is once again taking its toll on me.

The only optimistic thing here is that I'm so engrossed in my work for most of the day that I hardly find the time to worry about the things that go wrong, instead do whatever I can to compensate for the lack of needful things. It's just that when the sun goes down, I find myself taking my work home with me in an effort to stave off the inevitable sense of isolation and helplessness that's wrapped about me like a cloak. So much so that I have foregone sleep in the attempt not to spend those few moments lying there in bed wishing for someone to walk me through the night.

Is a friend to talk to too much to ask in times of need?

K is for ....Keeping Up with Life.

The start of any relationship-friendship is often an exciting time of anticipation and discovery. We meet someone new whose company we enjoy, learn that we share commonalities, begin to enjoy conversation and reap whatever little pleasures they bring into our lives.

At the start, everything is fresh and exciting. We can be tolerant of their behaviours, attitudes, reactions as we progress through the discovery phase, provided nothing has offended us thus far. Such as, if they can’t meet with us on a particular time due to shift work arrangements, we accept it as we learn about them and what constitutes their lives.

But once a relationship-friendship is forged, and the initial getting to know you stage has settled, we begin to develop expectations of them. For example, if we’ve shared with them our passion for photography or a tennis match every Tuesday night, we expect to be asked about our interests every so often.

And that is when expectations can lead to disappointment.

The period of tolerance is ever so transient before we begin to interpret their behaviour as loss of interest or a change of heart. If we care enough about the person, resentment starts to build over time which can lead to passive-aggressive behaviours.

Simply put… it sucks.

Take the communication route and try to find out the reason for their change, and it can be misinterpreted as an accusation. Words can cut like a sword or denial can cause further uncertainty.

Did I say it sucks?

Expectations are a part of life and deeper human interactions. Remove them from the relationship-friendship equation, and we are left with apathy, and a shallow pool of acquaintances who don’t enrich our lives.

So what remains is to follow a different path, that of a slow and winding road to withdrawal. And watch the relationship-friendship disintegrate into chunks that eventually crumble into the dust of indifference, disregard and oblivion.

Only to be sucked by a Dyson.

Or deleted from the archives. Of the mind. Of email. Of memory. Just as they have.

Because in a fit of anger, they no longer matter.

J is for .....

.....Just conversation

A recent dialogue I had sometime this week during happy hours...

JT: I have question...as you are a purported expert on men, or more specifically - observing men, what are the 4 biggest misconceptions that men have when thinking about their relationships with women and how best to make them happy? When listing out these misconceptions, please include advice and perspective to your legions of male readers so that they may improve themselves by your answer.
Me: OMG! That’s not a question, that’s an essay!
JT: Well, then you better get started - you don't want to get an F!
Me: I wasn’t aware scoring was on the cards! Sheesh.

Misconception 1 – Most men think all women want a man with a sense of humor.

Truth: Your desire to have us laughing at your jokes stems from an early age. Remember those flatulence jokes that you practiced on your sister? We don’t think they’re funny. And as an adult, when life gets tough, we don’t need a man who’s a joker.

My advice: The ability to make someone laugh and therefore relax in your company can be achieved through wit, intelligence and an intriguing personality. Leave the jokes behind for when you’re with the boys. They, like you, will need as much validation once that beer rears its blond head.

Misconception 2 – Once you consider us one of the boys, it’s permissible to drool over other women in our presence.

Truth: Women are highly intelligent but irrational creatures at times. No matter who you are to us, a friend, a partner, a lover, a potential interest, we like to be made to feel special.

My advice: If you can’t control the urge to compare, even if we play along with you and throw the odd comment about the one with the big boobs and the endless legs, give us a little compliment here and there. We’ll remember it and we’ll always love you for it.

Misconception 3 - Size doesn’t really matter.

Truth: Remember when we asked, ‘Does my bum look big in this’ and you lied? So did we when we told you that (your) size doesn’t matter.

My advice: Accept that some situations in life are a no-win. And don’t ever think you’re the biggest. Because if you do, you’d be the biggest dickhead in our eyes. And we wouldn’t want to have anything to do with either your little brain or its (slightly) larger brother, because size does matter after all.


Misconception 4 – We are open in our communications so we always tell you everything there is to know.

Truth: No matter how much you think you know us, there are times when we expect you to be a mind reader.(No, really. I am serious)

My advice: Every woman is different, so start looking for cues that say ‘I don’t want to come out and say it but you need to try and figure it out’. Make it easier for us to open up on the subject. How? When you figure that one out, let me know. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

Bonus*
Misconception 5 – You think you’re great in bed because you made all your past lovers moan/scream/"insert earth-shattering verb of your choice"

Truth: Sadly, a lot of women fake it. While their reasons may range from ‘so not to burst his ego’ or ‘so he’d hurry up and finish’, they are doing the rest of us a great injustice.

My advice: If she breaks it to you that it was no good, don’t let little brain get the best of you ( please ref #3). Talk it over and discover what can make it better. In some cases you may need to refer to your mind-reading skills (please ref #4), but such is life. Better you’re with someone who’s honest with you than someone who’s lying about intimacy, because in essence that is exactly what it is.


Disclaimers:
1. I don’t claim to be “a purported expert on men” but I make a good observer.
2. Some of the advice here is to be taken with a few grains of salt. I reckon it'll bring out the flavor.

I is for the ...Innocent.

I saw this poster on the way to work this morning.

Somehow, it made me sad.

H..is for

Hell, yeah! If you want me to think that you ARE different, you should probably try to BE different.

G is for .......

GREEN

You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

Find out your color at QuizMeme.com!

G is for ..... GOD Complex.

It was a strange place to have a revelation, but there you have it: it happened in a church. Although it would seem fitting that it was about God, it had more to do with logic than religion.

My revelation, which I’m sure others had before me, was that God, if It exists, cannot be both perfect and interventionist. To be more accurate, we cannot have both an interventionist God and a perfect creation.

If creation is perfect, as some would have it, then there is no need for God o meddle with it, unless It’s bored and looking for something to do—but perfect beings don’t get bored.

Then again, maybe his interventions are all part of the plan, which ipso facto makes Creation imperfect since it needs interventions. I can only see three possibilities here (then again, not being perfect, my vision is limited – which is actually nice, since it gives me a good reason to wear kick-ass glasses):
1. Creation is perfect and God doesn’t interfere
2. Creation is imperfect and God has to tweak it from time to time
3. God is part of creation and that’s why It intervenes.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

F is also for .....

First....

first concert ever : Billy Joel

first favorite food ever : corn on the cob
this is pretty much the only food i can guarantee that will taste good at any given time

first musical ever : Starlight Express

first live sporting event : my high school football game

first movie (that I can recall) : The Blue Danube

F is for ....

....Fabulous.

I just went outside and danced in the rain with my friend. Barefoot. This, my friends, is why life is so fabulous.

E is for ...Emotional Robot

Yikes. Again, it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted.

I can’t say that the past weeks have been entirely good for me, but they haven’t been entirely bad either. I’ve discovered several things about myself that were somewhat of a surprise.

1. I’m an emotional robot. I was raised from birth to be a strong, independent woman. Vulnerability was seen as a weakness, so was “dumping my problems” on other people. Therefore, I internalized a lot, not wanting to burden my relationship partners with my baggage. What I never realized, at least not until now, is that men need to be needed. Relationships can’t succeed unless you’re vulnerable sometimes, and goddammit, it doesn’t make you less of a strong, independent woman. I seemed to always get involved with men who I knew would love me more than I loved them and they always placed me on a sort of pedestal because I always seemed like I had it so together. Inside, I was barely holding myself together with paperclips, but I never let it show. Inevitably, I would grow bored with a relationship and leave, not really losing much because I’d never invested much, but leaving a sad trail of broken hearted ex boyfriends who don’t have a desire to ever hear from me again. Leading me to…

2. I’m no good with ellipses. My last relationship stumbled into an impasse sometime back. It was not for a lack of us not caring for each other, in fact perhaps the opposite. I think we care too much. He cares too much to continue with things when he’s in a bad place personally, because (I think) he wants a future with me and he feels like he has nothing to offer me right now and doesn’t want to ruin our future with his negativity. On the other hand, I cared too much to burden him with my personal hangups until we were talking about just being friends for a while and I realized that he needed me to be honest and vulnerable. As one of our good friends says, “You two are entirely too respectful of each other’s feelings.” He has always been honest and open about his insecurities and I just shut down. Inside, my mind was screaming “Use your words. Feeeeeeeel!” but somehow when I tried, it seemed disconnected with my mouth. This resulted in a decision that we should “just be friends(…)” Not “just be friends(.)“, which I seem to be good at by this point. We both felt like we need to be together, just maybe the timing was off. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

3. Missing someone you realize you’re in love with doesn’t seem to fade easily. So many memories and inside jokes intertwined. Enjoyg sitting with someone in silence holding hands just as much as a night out with friends. Knowing that someone gets you, really gets you, despite the facts that you can be an emotional robot, you are a systematic moment-ruiner and can be incredibly awkward. These days, I feel that I rarely meet people I even enjoy being friends with, and even less often people that I enjoy dating. I’ve never met anyone whom I’ve connected with like I do with this person and so it was twice as hard to understand, that if I ever wanted to be with him in the way we deserve, I’d have to let him go. We still spend time together, but it doesn’t seem to dull the ache of missing all of him that starts in my stomach and works its way up to crinkle around my heart. I know he feels the same way, which makes it seem even more senseless.

4. “I’ve been caught in between all I wished for and all I’ve dreamed.” In missing him, I seem to have forgotten where I was. I’ve been rather selfish in taking for granted the things around me and only treating what could be as important. I have excellent family and friends. I have a handsome cat, a secure job and a roof over my head. I have dear friend who always makes me laugh and is always there to help me with anything, anytime. He never makes me feel that I've wronged him. Even though I’ve been more open and vulnerable, letting myself out a little, he is unafraid; he doesn’t shy away. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’m letting go of my need to be the one in control of my relationships. Therefore...

5. There’s no time like the present. I live. I laugh. I love. I’m taking pleasure in where I am right now, what I’m doing, and who I’m becoming, knowing that when the time is right, I will live my way into my future.

*smile*

Words that are inspiring me:

“Important events, whether serious, happy or unfortunate, do not change a man’s soul. They merely bring it into relief, just as a strong gust of wind reveals the true shape of a tree when it blows off all its leaves. Such events, highlight what is hidden in the shadows; they nudge the spirit towards a place where it can flourish.” - “Suite Francaise” by Irene Nemirovsky

“Be at peace with everything unresolved in your heart.” - Ranier Marie Rilke

“But not every seeming ending is. Sometimes, it really is just a different beginning.” - My good friend M

D is for ... Dog Day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it, then piss on it and walk away.

C is for ...

Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share.
Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility

B is for...

Balance - This will be my "word" for 2009....a little something to focus on...

I need balance in my diet, as well as my schedule of working, exercising, and resting. I need balance in my spending (!) and my volunteering. I need balance in my relationships.

Here are some phrases that I found when I looked around on the internet --

Balance:

physical equilibrium - the ability to retain one's balance
mental and emotional steadiness
a means of judging or deciding
a counterbalancing weight, force, or influence
regulated movement
stability produced by even distribution of weight
an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements
to bring into harmony or proportion, to equalize in weight, number, or proportion
equality between the totals of the two sides of an account