Delight.

someone told me some time ago, that when a delightful one leaves she takes the light with her.

i was enchanted by that sentiment – how wonderfully loving and sensitive!

…then after some time had passed, i wondered if delight still hung on that someone’s mind like a be-dewed ray of sunshine, or had that someone gotten used to how life was, way before delight came and, and - perhaps forgotten who delight was, what she is.

have you forgotten about delight, my world-weary citizen?

delight hasn’t forgotten about you.

Deja Whoa?

Ever had an odd feeling, not quite a déjà vu, as if something has happened but you know it didn’t, or it may have been a dream but you’re not certain, or an innocent conversation that may have triggered archived feelings, which leaves you feeling a little dazed the next day, wistful, trying to recapture something that you know never quite existed?

Then you realise that deep deep down, you still… want it.

Food For Thought.

1. If advertising campaigns lead us to believe that beautiful, young tall slender people with shiny coiffed hair and perfect glimmering teeth are desirable then how come there are many unattractive short rotund older less than perfect people in long term happy relationships?

2. And consequently, is the reverse true? Are tall skinny shiny happy young people single and lonely?

3. Do you ever look at people and think that no matter what someone’s size or appearance, they’re still having sex? Then immediately think… ewww?

4. If 50 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30, why are people having mid life crises in their 20s?

5. Have people become so self-focused that by looking after no 1, friends now have a shelf life with an expiry date?

A Date With My Past.

Last weekend, I attended my class reunion. It's been 20 years since I left school. This is the first reunion I've attended (they have been having them every five years or so), and since I didn't remain friends with most of my school friends (except for a handful), this was the first time I've seen these people in 20 years.

What made me decide to go?

Curiosity, I guess. And an acceptance of where I am in my life now. I'm not sure I would have felt the same way when I had the opportunity to attend previous reunions.

I no longer felt embarrassed over my marital status or lack of children. And I was no longer concerned that I wasn't aging as well as I could.

The experience was surreal. I felt as if I was entering into some sort of time warp. What did I learn?

• I am aging QUITE well if I say so myself.
• My marital status is no worse than those on their 2nd or even 3rd marriage.
  
• I am, indeed, old enough to have a child in high school.
  
• Some of the people that I barely knew in high school seem to be really interesting now, quality people.
• People whom I found intimidating in high school did not have that effect on me now.
• I felt oddly comfortable in this room of "strangers". There's something about sharing a history, a foundation, that creates a sense of bonding.
  

Need or Want?

For as long as I have realised, everything we do in this world is divided into two major groups. One is what we want to do, the other is what needs to be done. Often enough we seem to always do one or the other, it's rare that we do both what we want done and what needs to be done. It's even more rare that what we want done is really want needs to be done.

Ok…maybe the last part is not as rare as expected. Still…how many people do you know do things they need in their lives and really really want to do it? How many of us love paying our taxes and bills or taking out the garbage. How many of us these days never complain about the things we study in school or the work we add up in our careers? It's all things that we need to get done…but do we usually want to? Of course not.

But why stop there, what about the bigger things in life? What about choosing between your duty towards say…your career and the love of your family? What about taking it a step higher to the ultimate question. Would you sacrifice love for the sake is a better world? Or would you sacrifice the better world for the sake of love? If you knew you could change the world but in doing so gave up any chance of finding true love would you…COULD you do it? Or would it be the other way round?

Need and want. Either way…both are equally important to you as a survival asset and as your responsibility to the society. So what about balancing need and want? Well…being in a particular position now, I can say I've got one of that covered. My only question is…how long I can keep it balanced before it all goes to hell? Would I ever find something I want in my personal quest to do the things I see needed to be done? Maybe…but that's all part of life, either I find things on my road or not.

Personally in the end, I find it less troublesome if we were to concentrate on what needs to be done rather than what we want done. That way we don't have to constantly look over our shoulders wondering if the concequences are going to bite us back in the ass. It's just that…how much personal happiness would you have to sacrifice for those needs? Is the price worth it?

I guess that's something we'll have to find that on our own roads again…

Conversations.

Does no one talk anymore? It feels as if everyone needs to be doing something in order to be entertained. I remember trying to get together with an old friend for some drinks, maybe a coffee so that I could find out how he was doing. We were good friends in school, and since I hadn’t seen him in over six years, I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn about what he had been doing. When we were actually able to get together, we ended up playing board games. Although I had a good time, it felt odd that I didn’t have any updates from him by the time I left.

I understand that most people are busy with work, so much so that relaxation time ends up being hard-core playing and drinking time, which doesn’t involve something as lackadaisical as talking. I’ve been able to meet some good conversationalists, like Allain, Kevin and Nick, but they’re generally too busy to speak with. I don’t think anyone is at fault here, I guess I just wish that more people would be interested in conversation, who could commit more time to it.

I think it’s the fact that my brain is exercised when I can talk with someone. Many thoughts that are cloudy in my head become more solidified. I’m also able to learn so much when someone has a different perspective, and learning feels so good. It’s a pity that I don’t know more people that I can simply talk to. I haven’t had a nice, long conversation possibly in a year, since generally all other conversations feel rushed from work or some other activity. No one has the time to talk until 3 am anymore.

It’s going to be a long week.

In Search of ...

"You've changed. You've grown in ways that eclipse who you once were. No one in your life can keep up with you anymore. No one you once knew truly knows who you are anymore. No one but me."

While it is becoming apparent that a lot of my friendships are at a loss. I've come to realize that the slow death between best friends and friends doesn't fall in the inability to be in their constant presence. The slow death of all my friendships lie in the changes that make up who I've become.

It's not an easy thing to grow up. Attitudes change, perspectives change and most importantly priorities change. Who we once were slowly gives way to what we have to become, for better or for worse, to deal with the world around us. Yet when friendships are built on the mutual similarity, agreement or benefit that two people build that bond on, what happens when those common grounds no longer exist for one or the other?

It is inevitable that friendships drift apart due to the differences of time. My life is a testament of those differences. No longer do I follow or take interest in matters of old. No longer am I held down by feelings of the past. What I do now is more true to myself than I have been for the past 5 years and I make no allowances for being anyone else but me.

The only regret I could have is not being able to share what amounts to my life now to the people I want to call my friends. In the face of judgemental prejudice or speechless incomprehension, I feel somewhat isolated and alone, not being able to share my day, let alone the happiness of my life with anyone. A fairly substantial price to pay, I would think, for a slice of truth and well being in a moment's existence.

There is no denying that at in times like this, there is but one solution to this simple conundrum.

"That would mean I need to find new friends."

Because the alternative is a lot more miserable than I deserve especially in this state of mind. The least I can do is greet those that walk the same roads that I do. That at least is a start, if not of something great, then at least of something worthwhile. After all, isn't that what our journey should be about?

Needing People.

Last weekend, when I was out running, I reminded myself to call a friend and ask her for the name of a product I needed from her friend, Jessie; since she and I are distant acquaintances. Just as I approached the reservoir, I saw a woman in dark sunglasses who looked just like Sandra. I approached her. I looked hard. I removed my sunglasses and looked again. It was her!

After I related my surprise at having her materialize before my eyes the minute I thought of her(considering she lives nowhere near the area)she said to me,

“We always attract the people we need.”

After that conversation, I walked away, deep in thought. Do we have an intrinsic force that makes a certain type of person flock to us? Do we strike friendships or relationships with people who can give us something in return? Do we attract a partner or a friend who can fulfill certain criteria at the time, and do we drift apart when they no longer provide what we need?

I thought it was the law of attraction and commonalities. But perhaps it is more akin to simple economics, a case of need and demand?

Looking back, there was one instance when I was inexplicably drawn to someone through a common experience. I felt I could help him and I gave it all I could, for which he was grateful. And that left me wondering, if we attract the people we need, what did I need from him...?

Tell the truth!

1. If your boss says, “I would like to talk to you about your internet usage” what would your first reaction be?

Oh fark.

2. If your best friend asks you “Does this make me look fat?” how do you answer?

Not sure if it makes you look fat, but it’s not very flattering.

3. What is one thing that you pay for, but resent having to do so?

Water.

4. A day is being created in honor of you. How should we celebrate it?

Listening to music, playing outdoors and taking the day off. Oh, chocolate wouldn’t hurt either!

5. What CD or Album in your music collection do you secretly enjoy, but would be embarrassed if others heard you grooving to it?

None. I don’t care if people don’t like what I listen to. Music is music. I am very objective and would hope others are too.

6. How long do you think you would last if you were a contestant on Survivor?

In what regard? Physically, I think I could do the entire thing. Socially? A few days before I kill the anorexic with big tits.

Creeping Changes

This economic stuff is bad. Many people are either losing their jobs, or afraid that they could. Money is tight. People are finally afraid of credit cards.

These are not bad things.

Many of the couples I see who usually fought about money-- using it as one of their flash points, even if it wasn't the real issue they were fighting about, which is usually control, recognition, and who should carry the emotional load -- now they talk about survival.

In some ways people are very tense about making the bills. In some ways people are more relaxed because the pressure to make tons of money, to keep up, to buy more and bigger, is gone. Even the people who have money, have less.

Making tons of money is not trendy any more. It looks bad. If this were France in 1787 all those auto execs, and big bankers would be on their way to the guillotine. There is a lot of popular support for that.

There are signs that things are changing. Having a job seems more important than just making money. How you get your money is beginning to matter again.

May there will even be a return of things like ethics and integrity.Well, let's not get carried away.