The Road Ahead.

In recent years, among other words of wisdom, I've always been living by this single motto.

"May you never grow old, but always grow up"

It was an impromptu lesson that someone once taught me a while back, proving that there is no shame in redefining what it means to be an adult, just as long as you do the right things at the right time. It was a lesson I take to heart and still is one that I will never forget.

If anything, I have largely forgotten the days when we were all young and carefree. Days where I would definitely want to forget in spite of the impact that drove me to become the person I am now. While I've taken those experiences to heart and made someone out of myself, it would seem that some aspects of my childhood and youth never grew out of their time.

So they make it their point to give me a hard time.

The irony is, I've never paid any attention to it. If it wasn't for my increased restlessness for the past few weeks, I wouldn't have known that there are people that so "fondly" remember my days as a youth.

To why people want to reminisce those days, I don't know. I have to admit, nostalgia for me at least, is another way of saying that what you have right here and now is never as good as what you had before. To always look back at those moments, to try and relive them at the very least, shows a lot that's missing from the life you have now. It shouldn't be the case.

Life, shouldn't stop at a certain point in time. Sure there are bad moments as so many people including myself can testify to, but eventually, when you put it all together, what you have now should be monumentally better than the life you had then. It's isn't just about a simpler time or a more carefree life, it's about the things you put into creating and the rewards that you reaped on your own terms.

You can't truly appreciate the beauty of your own life, until you've come face to face with the ugliness of it.

I couldn't have asked for more. Hell, I don't think I ever imagined more. Yet here I am, fighting desperately to make things work for a future I'm uncertain will turn out the way I want it to. If you asked me whether I'm happy with my life right now, I can tell you that I'm not.

But I'm contented with the intricate nature of all that surrounds me and that is more than I can say for the people I know that still live in that past, unable to move on from a time when life probably made the most sense to them.

Regardless of how chaotic my emotions are, I like where I am. I like the here and now and I maybe I would like what lies ahead. But the past will always be where it should, in a distant memory that serves not as a yardstick to measure up to, but a point to see how far you've gone.

I know I've come a long long way. It's just sad to see that some of the people I know haven't moved an inch at all.

Adventurous?

One of my favorite songs contains the lyrics “With every broken heart we should become more adventurous.”

I suppose you could say I have used this as my mantra of sorts, diving in head first whenever I meet someone I am interested in, even if it means ignoring warning flags, or in some cases ignoring bright neon signs warning me of impending doom. After all, that’s what being adventurous means, right?

Well, I’ve been dating for twenty years now and must say that I’ve started to see a pattern emerge in my past relationships, especially in the last few. Leading me to question: at what point do I have to consider that maybe I have stopped being adventurous and have simply started being stupid?

Something to think about.

Growing Pains.

The thing about youth is that we often mistake pride for intelligence and wisdom. Just because we are able get through high school and live a decent life, we believe that we're untouchable, free of the burden that life gives us. So when life occasionally throws a stick into our well oiled gears, we fall, our minds miserable and hurt, unable to see past what we only know as our own world.

I was young once and given the circumstances of my age, I think I still am. Yet the burdens of my youth were never one without a singular perspective, one that drove me to the edge of depression and spiralling insanity. That was my folly of youth, the belief that my own personal hell was mine for all eternity, a black hole in which I cannot escape and one that no one can help.

It wasn't until years later until I realized that people could help and that I had a choice. My burden's may have been my own to bear, but by no means did they mean I had to bear them in misery.

Going through the misery and darkness has never meant that we are special, even if our situations are unique to ourselves. Proving that your black cat is blacker than mine doesn't change the fact that we could have tried to be better than what we have become. It doesn't change the fact that suffering is still a universal constant in life and everyone goes through it. Suffering doesn't make you any different, what you do with your suffering does.

At the end of it, we still have a choice, even if they are limited to what we would or would not do. Misery will always be bound to the pride that tells us we deserve better. Anger and frustration will always be entwined by the expectations that a good life have always coddled us by. Sometimes we have to choose between letting that pride go or living with the misery under false pretences. More often than not an easy choice that's hard to enact.

I might not have found a way to completely let go of my pride or my misery, but it doesn't mean it has to offset the things in life that are good and worth being happy for. Part of living life is to know when to make your demons an issue and when to keep it at bay. It's not worth building a reputation by being a drama queen over things that aren't worth fussing about.

Given the old cliché that I often use, we all grow old. Maybe this a moment that starts telling you to grow up.

Trust

Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

You know that exercise they use in team building exercises and support meetings, the one where you fall back and the others are supposed to catch you? I have never been good at that exercise. Letting go, falling blindly into a crowd strangers makes me uncomfortable.

Trust, especially in the realm of relationships, has always been a difficult issue for me. There was a time when I gave my trust freely. Now, you have to earn my trust. My past holds too many heartaches and broken promises to trust openly. I have learned to protect myself. The walls have been built and people are granted access in stages.

I have also learned that my lack of trust can also get me in trouble. So I have been working on a balance. I think that I am getting closer to finding the perfect amount of trust to give to someone at each stage of a relationship. However, I am still waiting for that time when I can close my eyes and fall and not worry about crashing to the floor.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Then and Now

Then and Now
Ways in which I handled being single and dating 10 years ago as opposed to now:

Then:
Would "make a round" after first walking into the bar to check out which guys I would be flirting with.
Now:
Take turns "buying rounds" for my single gals at the bar.

Then:
Would give out my number to randoms.
Now:
I don't even give my real name to randoms.

Then:
Loved the stripe shirt look.
Now:
Love the excessive tattoo look.

Then:
Spent most of my time at the Boat Quay bars.
Now:
I can be seen maybe twice a month at either Timbre or Wala Wala or whichever bar that is featuring my favorite live band.


Then:
I drank Long Island Tea like water.
Now:
3 Heinekens and water for the rest of the night if I'm driving. 6 Heinekens and water for the rest of the night if I'm not.

Then:
Grinding was foreplay.
Now:
You need to ear f*ck me with your intellect before you even get a phone number.

Then:
Dating a guy with a roommate or two was the norm.
Now:
The only acceptable roommate is a pet.

Then:
If we hung out at least 5 times at the bars, you were vouched.
Now:
I'm about 2 episodes of CSI away from investing in criminal background checks and a DNA swab.

Then:
Full time student would qualify as employment.
Now:
Oooh baby, tell mama all about that sexy career plan and full medical and dentall coverage...you know a full time job with a benefit plan gets me hot.

Then:
OMG, like, lets spend every day together! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Now:
What do you mean you can't wait to see me, didn't we just had dinner 4 days ago? Plus, I have laundry to do and there's a new episode of "Grey's Anatomy" on tonight.

Then:
Girls don't poop, pee, belch, or eat heavy meals.
Now:
Dude, did you hear that? That went on for almost a minute!

Then:
I hope someone at least hits on me tonight!
Now:
Stop bothering me, I'm discussing the Internet with my girlfriends.

Then:
Well, he's not that interesting/cute/emotionally stable, but dinner sounds lovely.
Now:
Do I really want to put on mascara for this man?

S is for.....

...Simply Me.

I'm really proud of the friends that I've made. The quality of the people that stand with me in this life, that support my choices, and accept me as I am.

I'm happy that I've haven't broken, succumbed to the wills of others. Sure, it's life; you have to bend a little to fit, but if you bend too much you break. I'm true to myself; I'm more certain about myself now than I was once, and I haven't changed the core essence of who I've always been.

I'm happy with how I've treated others. Sure, everyone at some point has hurt another person, and I have let some people go, but I haven't strung people along. I've never manipulated situations to be with someone, or taken advantage of a situation to get what I personally want - regardless how much I've wanted it.I've seen others lie, cheat, and manipulate their partners - and although in some cases the ends have justified the means (for them), they never will for me.

I'd like to think I'm loyal and honest. I'm not above telling a white lie to protect someone, but if someone asks me something straight up, I'm going to give them an answer. Even if they don't want to hear it. It's a double edged sword, but most people appreciate it.

I speak my mind. When I'm upset, or concerned I tackle issues, even if it seems stupid. More often than not, people are clear on how I view things that I'm passionate about. I pick my battles, and I'm not short on stubbornness when push comes to shove.

I have faith in the goodness of others. I'm not naive to believe every one on this earth is good, but I look to a person's heart, and I'm not often fooled.Most of the time I'm a very positive person. Although it may not always seem the case in what I write here, there is a balance to my life. Perhaps I should write about more positive stuff - but I just tend to live the happy stuff instead :)

I've always been an independent soul. I love people, but I also love to be alone. So many people in this world fear that - but through independence I've come to know myself; my worth, and better yet I have continued to grow as I question myself. I treat my friends as individuals as well - partners, husbands or wives do not exist in my world; If I am your friend it is because of you, and you alone.

I am Okay ( an epiphany of sorts )

It’s a fact that people will surprise you in the most delicious way when you least expect it.

Last week, for instance, two coworkers accused me of being articulate, which was absolutely lovely, and of being smart, which was flattering, and then one of them went on to say that I have my act together. I was surprised to realize that all of a sudden, I actually do.

I may be overqualified for my current job, and I may be living from paycheck to paycheck, I may not appear to have the best life from the outside, but really, when it comes down to it? I love my life the way it is.

I love that I have a job that enables me to cover most of my expenses.

I love that I have friends that love me beyond reasons.

I love that I still feel as though life is full of countless possibilities and that I can recreate myself.

I love knowing that by this time next year, I may be in a completely new place in my life, and that I may be writing myself a completely different kind of letter by my next birthday.

The very fact that life is full of hardships and situations designed to make you work through them is what makes you. Not only does it make your life interesting, but it helps you realize what sort of character you have. It adds layers to the puzzle that is you. It shows you what you’re capable of. And hardships are unavoidable in life.

I guess I’m finally okay with that. And I’m finally okay again.

I’m finally me again.

L is for ...

... Life as I see it...

I own a home, he has a part-time assistant, she is the head of department. As surprisingly odd as it still seems, we are, adults.

We contribute to CPF, pay too much for home insurance, and have credit cards in our own names. Sometimes we wear suits and cook our own dinners; something usually a little more elaborate than instant noodles. We choose with whom, and how, and where we want to spend the few hours not consumed with work.

Mornings no longer consist of sitting in a circle on the floor, drinking OJ out of Mickey Mouse plastic cups, singing the Alphabet or, the School Song. We don’t have homework, or homeroom, or eat hot lunches off of trays served by middle aged women, with plastic bags seemingly sewn to their heads. Entertaining nights no longer require rolls and rolls of toilet paper, and someone else’s trees.

No more bedtimes, curfews, or parents pacing the halls of our homes, wondering where we are or what we are doing, so we allow Saturday to slip into Sunday and continue taking turns whipping each other at Wii or on PSP. One win, and a smile so large spreads across my face, as the child within is awakened; one pony-tailed Atari-addicted player, in pink PJs.

Still an advocate of pink, but no longer dressing in cutesy PJ's, I’m convinced that the moments like these, moments spent not acting like adults, while having all the freedom it allows, are still so preferable to being young.

Sure, adulthood has, and will continue to have, its own set of shortcomings. There were dating disasters, months when I spent working way too hard for the money and people who expect me to be more visible in their lives, more so than they've been in mine. I suppose there will always be too many bills to pay, too many things to get done and never enough time.

Even so, I'd never trade the tough times as an adult for all the awkward stages I had gone through, to get here.

Things I Wish I had been Told when I was 17

I have a semi-recurring dream when I go back in time and talk to my younger self but I always end up trying to convince myself that it's really me instead of giving myself advice. If that were possible, this is what I would tell myself:

1) There is no "perfect" man that will sweep me off my feet and we'll live happily ever after. In fact, you'll probably date quite a few more "perfect" guys until you realize there is no perfect person, just a person that's perfect for you. The person who finally gets you in a way that not even your parents or your best friend ever did. And there's no way you can predict who that will be until it happens.

2) You have a really great body. You're not fat.

3) Go to a career counsellor. Before you choose your career path, before you start taking useless classes, talk to someone who can help you figure out what you want to do with your life. Or at least someone who can make different suggestions. I didn't know half of these careers existed until after I'd finished college.

4) Don't start drinking.

5) High School really doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is the close friends you make who will stand by you when you are 80. The greatest thing about high school is finding out what really happened while you were worried what people thought of you. It's sitting at a bar a few years later, running into an old friend and they tell you who was a drug addict, who had major problems, and who got really hot.

6) The people who look like they have it all figured out, never really do.

7) The problems you think you have now are nothing compared to the problems you're going to have later.

8) Study; just a little bit harder. Yes, it's hard. There's a party tonight, but trust me when I say there will be many more parties. Grades Do matter. While you're at it, tell your mom you want to take guitar lessons instead of piano lessons.

9) Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. These are the best years of your life, you look great. Enjoy the time you have while you don't have to work to pay your rent or mortgage -- it's a beautiful feeling. Growing up is good because you finally get to do what you want to do without having to listen to your mom and what she wants you do do. But in the end, after endless fights and phone calls, you may do what you want to do but you'll still want to make her proud.

10) And my last few tips: stop eating so much goddamn junkfood; Instant Ramen, burgers, pizzas and Cokes are not part of a well balanced diet; if someone gives you a Mountain Dew just chug it before you can actually taste it; eat a good meal before you go out drinking (trust me on this one); save some money...but buy the suede jacket at Guess, I'll always regret not buying it; and you know that guy you have a crush on (you know who I'm talking about) talk to him and ask him out.