Rating 2009.

Home, Bricks and Mortar
It has been the year of change; not much of makeovers but more on cultivating a homey feel -the result is more than cosiness and there will be more to come in 2010.
Score = 4.5/10

Work, Career and Finance
Much uncertainty hung over in '09 and will continue well into '10. This is the time when I need a crystal ball to guide me in a direction. Or tell me I’m just a dreamer.
Score = 5.8/10

Family
I’m ever so grateful for having my mother. Our relationship is improving.
Score = 7.2/10

Health
Bring on 2010 and optimism. Pronto.
Score = 6.5/10

Love, Relationships and Star Signs
There are times when you sunbathe and let the sun warm your soul. Other times you don your gloves, winter coat and long boots, and kick fate in the arse.
Score = 6.8/10

General well-being and feel good factor.
Like swings of the pendulum, they never stay still at one point.
Score = 7.5/10

Friendships and True Colours
A mixed bag emerged in '09. A best friend was exx-ed. A strong friendship shone all year like a bauble at Christmas time. A long-term friendship was rekindled, with equal gusto and enthusiasm from both sides. A beautiful friendship developed and strengthened like the blues of the ocean under sunny skies. One special friendship that I’ve always wanted to keep as a constant has somewhat changed; not for the better or for the worse, just changed.
Score = 6.7/10

Writing
Continuing with this blog after all these years, and another private project that will soon come to fruition, my Muse has kept me busy and inspired.
Score = 9/10

Highlights, Surprises and Disappointments
Two holiday plans didn’t eventuate. It was a year of lull mostly, but it was punctuated by an unexpected visit from distant friends whom I love so dearly.
Score = 5/10

Blogging
Deserves its own score, for having taking me on a full rollercoaster ride and back again to build my own track, one post at a time. Despite some disappointments and not-so-good changes to the medium, endurance is the word.
Score = 5/10

Final Score for 2009:
64/100

So What Happens Next..?

As I have said over and over again, 2009 has seen me constantly obsessing about the future and what is in store for me, despite knowing how useless of an endeavor such worry is.

Well tonight I am having one of those all too rare moments of contentment so I thought I should write about it for posterity’s sake.

Tonight, I am happy. Maybe my life hasn’t taken the path I thought it would, but nonetheless I do believe that I am right where I am meant to be.

In the words of a book that I’ve recently fallen in love with (“The Private Lives of Pippa Lee” — Rebecca Miller) “I’m just … seeing what happens next.”

Christmas Random Shots II

You know you've reached the pinnacle of home cooking when you've been tasked to help with the Christmas dinner for an entire family clan. How can one say no to cooking the roast turkey, lamb, potato dishes and the salads?

There is more to life than keeping record of your daily life, even if it is in short shorts. There is also keeping a recipe book for all the things you love to cook, more so to eat, for the next generation to follow.

You know something is different about you when you're willing to do stupid things first so that the person next to you had to courage to do what she wants to do.

It is an unusual blessing for someone outside of the family to be the bridge between you and your own blood. Not that I'm complaining. I just don't know what to make of it aside from it meaning that it's always a good thing.

It's hard to have "me-times" in a household full of people getting ready for Christmas. The only chances you get are when you run the small errands that lead up to the big day. Nevertheless, any time alone is welcomed, even from the people you love.

Christmas Random Shots I

When will people learn. Senorita is always right. Well…not always right. Well…not almost either. The point really is that I'm right and you can keep standing on the left.

It's not easy being accustomed to so many people after spending almost a year by yourself. It makes you want to find a hole for some solitary "me-time". A wish impossible to fulfill when you have a very large and close extended family.

People tend to be masters of the obvious when they haven't seen you in a long time. I tend to be a master at being annoyed by this sort of mastery.

When the younger generation of your family seems so spoiled and carefree, you have to wonder if their actions are really as they seem or you're just getting a whole lot older.

Sometimes, the simplest thing to say is nothing at all and everything you can think of.

The Ugly Christmas Truth.

I always open Christmas gifts, especially from family or family friends, with a little trepidation. It’s more of an obligation than anything else for many people to give me something, and I’m of the firm belief that if someone isn’t going to like or have use for a gift, one shouldn’t give anything at all. There’s no point to giving someone a stupid present, and it just ends up being worse than if one gets nothing. There are a few exception to this rule, being the thought or effort put into the gift, although there is generally none of either if someone doesn’t like the present anyway. Sometimes it just ends up being the fact that the best intentions are used, but a gift isn’t needed to figure this out.

Of course, I’ve been known as the hardest person to shop for anyway, since I usually buy whatever I want. As soon as an idea is in my head for something I’d like, I’ll research it for a few days and then go out and buy it. It ends up being very rare that I want to get something I don’t have, mainly due to the fact that my interests are fairly simple and affordable.

Food For Thought.

1. If advertising campaigns lead us to believe that beautiful, young tall slender people with shiny coiffed hair and perfect glimmering teeth are desirable then how come there are many unattractive short rotund older less than perfect people in long term happy relationships?

2. And consequently, is the reverse true? Are tall skinny shiny happy young people single and lonely?

3. Do you ever look at people and think that no matter what someone’s size or appearance, they’re still having sex? Then immediately think… ewww?

4. If 50 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30, why are people having mid life crises in their 20s?

5. Have people become so self-focused that by looking after no 1, friends now have a shelf life with an expiry date?

Christmas Decisions.

I’m a re-gifter and I don’t care who knows it. Some gifts are right for some people, and other gifts are right for others. If someone is thoughtless enough to get me a gift I wouldn’t use, I’m doing them a fucking favour by finding a better person for it. Sometimes, the best gifts are second hand, when one knows that it’s right for oneself, but also knows that it would make someone else even happier.

Hello December!

Another weekend wasted away.

Why does it always seem that I wait until approximately 8pm on Sunday evening before I even start any of my weekend plans?

Guys, it's December. What the hell?! How is it December? How has ANOTHER year gone by? Man, how I hate these stupid open-ended questions!

I am just sometimes overwhelmed at how it feels like the days will never pass, and before I know, it's been months.

As some of you know, it's been a bit of a tough year for me. Kind of emotionally draining. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to this time of the year because I knew that I'd be over the worst of it.

I don't like to talk about it much on here, but this year has kicked me in the ass and forced me to grow up a little and it seems that I've moved into a more spiritual realm of being.( think "ohm" and not to be confused with religious).

I don't let things get to me as much as I used to. I don't take things or comments directed at me as seriously. And if I do, I usually get over it fast. Like, super fast. Faster than Superman flying around the world. Okay, not that fast, but you get the picture.

As much as this year was shitty, I needed it. It's funny how it's always the hard times that make you a stronger person in life. *cliched, I know*

It's only going to get better.

And I know now that if it's not okay, then it's not the end. This is what keeps me going.

Incoherence

There is a lot I want to say at times, nothing that I can articulate into sentences, just a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions in my head that need to be diffused or released. It could well be the lack of restful sleep of late, or the unusual dreams that wake me up with a ‘what the…’ feeling or that occasional pounding heart rate at 2 am that refuses to calm down.

There is a lot that can be said to maintaining a certain standard in a blog, going through archives, classifying and sorting through emotions. It’s not an exercise in creative writing, but a stocktake of emotions over a period of time.

There are many occasions when I just want to let it out and speak to a particular person or two, without self-restraint, without concern for their feelings or interpretation, without carefully weighing each word so they don’t come back and bite me some time later.

There are days when I just want to say wonderful things to people who make a difference but something within stops me from spontaneously expressing those words. I resort to careful planning and editing, and in the process I lose the powerful words that would in turn make a difference to their day.

There is a lot that I feel and don’t feel. There are moments where the highs are just beautiful and long lasting and the rest is just plain and ordinary sensations, nothing to mull over or be particularly sad.

There is a lot that I wish to say to you, and you, and even you. But I can’t tell you when you can’t hear me, and you’d prefer not to listen, and deep down you really don’t want to know. Because you already know.

There is a lot to say when I’m being incoherent.

5 things I love today.

1) Balsamic vinaigrette
2) My kitty, Max
3) Procrastination
4) Water
5) Candlesticks

Running.

I ran today. I’ve been creeping back into the habit, but it’s not the easiest.

My concerns about a fundamental change in myself were probably premature. There is still within me a desire to hurt and exert. Thank God.

I kept pushing through the 15kilometres around the reservoir, and my lungs were on fire. I coughed and coughed and every time, my chest ached across my collar bone and down to my sternum. The muscles were cold and sore. My knees hurt and my ankles were threatening failure. But I kept going.

I remember one time a freshly unencumbered ex read what was basically an online workout journal I was keeping. He said, in the most egotistical way, that he was concerned with how I was coping with my loss. The loss of him (puke), in case you’re not following. I told him I was fine. He said I was making unhealthy decisions. I told him I was fine. He said he was concerned with my running routine. I told him that running was healthy. He said running until I puked was not healthy. It was, indeed, a detailed log that he had been reading.

It pointed out to me a fundamental misunderstanding on his part of what I was then and probably still am till today. I don’t run until I puke because of anyone. Because I’m sad or angry or any other reason. I run until I puke because it is "Run Until I Puke Day" that day. Have you ever pushed yourself like that? If you haven’t, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

There is a point of exertion where you are no longer yourself. It’s not a runner’s high, it’s a runner’s particulate extinction.

I found my forever pace again. Everyone has one. It’s the pace you can hold forever. Lay it in and you can glide for miles and miles and miles until the run is just another thing you do. Like breathing or hearing. Five miles or ten miles, it doesn’t matter. It’s the pace where your footsteps are silent and your breathing is another orbit of another world, important but not pressing.

Somewhere in the 30/60/120 sprints and four mile motto runs, I lost my forever pace. It was gone. I only knew how to push it or stop. I could burn it up or leave it cold. Words I have heard a few too many times in my life: It’s all or nothing with you.

But I found it again, though it is not necessarily between all or nothing. It isn’t some middle path. It’s another world of deep convergence. I’m not even sure what that sentence meant, but it describes it perfectly. It’s all and nothing.

But then there’s those times you hit two miles and just want to run hard and fast in the cold until your lungs bleed. And that is greater than happiness or sadness or contentment. This is the greater part of me.

Chip Off the Old Block.

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight

—Linkin Park, Breaking The Habit

Studies have shown that kids with divorced parents are much more likely to end up being divorced themselves. As role models, we take the way their parents treat each other and use this as a model for our own relationships. And eventually, our kids end up treating their kids the same way because that’s all they know.

I used to take my boyfriends for granted. It could have been a way for me to distance myself to prevent getting hurt (as therapy has shown), or it may have just been what I thought relationships were like.

Though, I can't recall my parents doing the same thing to each each. I was told that they didn’t marry out of love, they married because it was the thing to do when you reached a certain age. Eventually, they merely inhabited the same house, not even sleeping in the same bed or room.

It’s a cycle, a trap. But that’s not an excuse for me.

I refuse to be like them. I refuse to end up like they did. I’m going to do my best to change that about myself.

And I will break the cycle.

Dreaming...

I’ve recently realized that what I want out of life is fairly simple:

* To live in a city I adore.
* To believe my career has meaning.
* To have good friends and great conversations.
* To fall in love… eventually.

Until then… “It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting!” (The Alchemist – Paulo Coelho)

Recipe For A Success on a Wet Afternoon.

Vanilla Coke, Thai take-out, cookies and cream ice cream, a good book, Sixteen Candles movie and a glorious nap.

That’s all you need, really.

Dictionary Slipped Up? Ooops.

Last week, I was trying to think of a word but was coming up with nothing; so I visited a reverse dictionary where you can describe the concept in a search engine and see various word suggestions. The concept I described was “defeat the purpose” and the 36th word suggestion was “husband”…. other words suggested included “frustrate”, “skunk” and “disappointment”.

I find this hilarious.

S is for .....So What Have I Been Up To Lately?

• Caught up with friends after a twenty year absence
• Battled a nasty cold and but haven't quite won, even after two weeks.
• Had a dream about my neglected novel, guilty much?
• Made margarita out of the lemons life has thrown at me
• Saw myself on a videotape from many moons ago and wondered what happened to that girl.
• Then I remembered.
• Felt light as a feather after purging my rss reader of many blogs.
• Until I added new ones.
• Bit my tongue several times. Next time I’ll numb it with alcohol first.
• Stayed in warm PJs all day and felt good.
• Had a busy social weekend involving too much food and not enough Martinis.
• Thought about exercising but decided to eat less and sleep in.
• Told an 8-month old not to grow up so fast.
• Sighed for sunny days and wished I could bottle it in suntan oil.
• Wore sunglasses and waited for that light at the end of the tunnel to turn into sunshine.

A Date With My Past.

Last weekend, I attended my class reunion. It's been 20 years since I left school. This is the first reunion I've attended (they have been having them every five years or so), and since I didn't remain friends with most of my school friends (except for a handful), this was the first time I've seen these people in 20 years.

What made me decide to go?

Curiosity, I guess. And an acceptance of where I am in my life now. I'm not sure I would have felt the same way when I had the opportunity to attend previous reunions.

I no longer felt embarrassed over my marital status or lack of children. And I was no longer concerned that I wasn't aging as well as I could.

The experience was surreal. I felt as if I was entering into some sort of time warp. What did I learn?

• I am aging QUITE well if I say so myself.
• My marital status is no worse than those on their 2nd or even 3rd marriage.
  
• I am, indeed, old enough to have a child in high school.
  
• Some of the people that I barely knew in high school seem to be really interesting now, quality people.
• People whom I found intimidating in high school did not have that effect on me now.
• I felt oddly comfortable in this room of "strangers". There's something about sharing a history, a foundation, that creates a sense of bonding.
  

R is for .... Real Determination...

Over the past few weeks, I've worked hard to be happier for myself. It's not exactly an easy thing to do when you've spent your entire life planning the rest of it away. The trick isn't just about taking it easy, it's also trusting yourself that everything works out even if your fingers aren't deep in it.

Yet, finding out that you can be happy for yourself, doesn't mean that others can be happy for you too. It's a harsh world we live it that hardly anyone can appreciate the aesthetics of your own perspectives or the effort you put into to getting the things you want, the things that make you happy. It's one thing to be happy for yourself, it's another to have a someone share that happiness with you.

Still, even with realizing this obvious part of life, it's a good thing I still can be happy for myself. Yeah, it can be a little depressing to know that people thrive on making other people feel miserable. It can be lonely to have not even those closest to you share in the appreciation of hard earn rewards. But the basic parts of life don't start with other people, they end with it.

Happiness always starts from you. Whether you're genuinely living in a yoghurt commercial or like me skewed enough to like the darker side of life. Your smile starts with your sense of self. Where everything goes from there is entirely up to you. Whether you want to spread your joy or keep it there. It doesn't really matter what people do. After all, if you can't get yourself down…how can anyone else do that for you?

Adventurous?

One of my favorite songs contains the lyrics “With every broken heart we should become more adventurous.”

I suppose you could say I have used this as my mantra of sorts, diving in head first whenever I meet someone I am interested in, even if it means ignoring warning flags, or in some cases ignoring bright neon signs warning me of impending doom. After all, that’s what being adventurous means, right?

Well, I’ve been dating for twenty years now and must say that I’ve started to see a pattern emerge in my past relationships, especially in the last few. Leading me to question: at what point do I have to consider that maybe I have stopped being adventurous and have simply started being stupid?

Something to think about.

A Cupcake Kinda Day.

Today is one of those odd days, I’ve been unusually tired, cranky, and I actually burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all this morning. Thank goodness today is my day off!

So for a nutritionally poor but emotionally healthy supper, I’m having chocolate cupcakes! The butter cream frosting is a little heavy and a tad brown (too much vanilla) but I’m willing to bet this is just what I need, after all… “A day without chocolate is a day without sunshine!”

Happy Halloween!

Q is for ......Question Yourself.

It's hard to pretend that everything else in the world doesn't matter, especially when it does. Some of us aren't born to be machines and as much as we try, hiding and holding everything inside of us only serves to eat away the parts of us which makes us who we are. But the farce isn't without purpose.

Sometimes, we have to do things we don't like in order to uphold the responsibilities we are tasked over. More so, we do it to protect the people we care about. While taxing on the state of our sanity, nothing good comes from directing our frustrations and displeasure at the world. So to protect that world, we become its source of strength. We become the cold dark that's unaffected by the rigors and stress that life mercilessly throws at us. To protect everything we care for, we shoulder those burdens that are mapped out to test us.

Yet, what of our own fragile self? Do we have a choice to save ourselves from a potential breakdown? Yes, we always do. The question is, will life ever let us off so easily to take a break? That depends on how lucky you can be. At least in my case, I don't have to be surprised at what I already know. Life for me isn't one born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but at least I can say I kept on fighting it, even if was for selfish reasons, even if it was for selfless motives. At least I keep fighting…until I go down that is.

When that time comes of course, don't blame me and most certainly don't blame yourself. It was my choice given what I had. For better or worse, I think I reserve the right to exercise my actions to the best of my abilities. Especially because it was done to protect you, from the world that would hurt you.

And especially from the me who burns with a black fire that no one should ever see.

Are You Happy With Your Life?

I don't know.

In my defense, happiness is something I've never really sought in my life. I've learnt from a very young age that with happiness, comes everything else that's not exactly happy. Misery and pessimism are worlds that I'm much more accustomed to living. Not to say that it's always a bad thing to be living in a cynical world where you have to endure the roller coaster of emotions all the time. It's just that when you look at things this way, to appreciate the simple moments of happiness, you have to appreciate the abyss as well.

Yet, if I look back at my life right now. Everything I've seen. Everything I've gone through. Everything I've endured. Everything I've achieved. Everything I have. I have a lot of things in the world that many people don't. Then again, I also don't have a lot of things in the world that many people take for granted. If there are a million and one things in the world I should be happy for, there are also a million and one things I shouldn't be smiling at.

So no. I don't really know whether I'm happy with my life because I stand right in the middle of the fence. It's hard to be happy when you know what it cost to get the things you want. It's harder still to be sad when you know you've gotten them already.

What I am is content and at peace with my life. Now that's something I would walk the fine line for for as long as I draw breath.

Need or Want?

For as long as I have realised, everything we do in this world is divided into two major groups. One is what we want to do, the other is what needs to be done. Often enough we seem to always do one or the other, it's rare that we do both what we want done and what needs to be done. It's even more rare that what we want done is really want needs to be done.

Ok…maybe the last part is not as rare as expected. Still…how many people do you know do things they need in their lives and really really want to do it? How many of us love paying our taxes and bills or taking out the garbage. How many of us these days never complain about the things we study in school or the work we add up in our careers? It's all things that we need to get done…but do we usually want to? Of course not.

But why stop there, what about the bigger things in life? What about choosing between your duty towards say…your career and the love of your family? What about taking it a step higher to the ultimate question. Would you sacrifice love for the sake is a better world? Or would you sacrifice the better world for the sake of love? If you knew you could change the world but in doing so gave up any chance of finding true love would you…COULD you do it? Or would it be the other way round?

Need and want. Either way…both are equally important to you as a survival asset and as your responsibility to the society. So what about balancing need and want? Well…being in a particular position now, I can say I've got one of that covered. My only question is…how long I can keep it balanced before it all goes to hell? Would I ever find something I want in my personal quest to do the things I see needed to be done? Maybe…but that's all part of life, either I find things on my road or not.

Personally in the end, I find it less troublesome if we were to concentrate on what needs to be done rather than what we want done. That way we don't have to constantly look over our shoulders wondering if the concequences are going to bite us back in the ass. It's just that…how much personal happiness would you have to sacrifice for those needs? Is the price worth it?

I guess that's something we'll have to find that on our own roads again…

P is for ... Procrastination.

1.Time is always relative. It passes by fast when you're doing something important. It passes by even faster when you're doing something you think is important but really isn't at all.

2.Sometimes a moment of reminiscence can turn into a weekend long marathon of reclaiming the old glory days. Complete of course with staying up 'till the wee hours of the morning for reasons that had nothing to do with fast approaching deadlines

3.Scheduled power cuts does put things into perspective. We take electricity for granted far too much. So much so that despite sleeping in to past the time, I still find myself pacing back and forth over the same spot, lost in aimless contemplation of what could I possibly do next that doesn't need to be plugged into the wall socket.

4.Saying you'll turn in early for the night doesn't always take into account listening to stories from people far away. Especially people you miss dearly. Especially stories you wish you could have been a part of.

5.Sometimes the weekend doesn't always last for two days, especially if you have control over your own working schedule. Sometimes there is just nothing to do. Or at least that's what you keep telling yourself while looking away from the pile of papers you're supposed to be reading.

6.Procrastination can be such a pain to deal with. But sometimes, just sometimes, it can be your only friend in the entire world. Especially if you pretend that there are no consequences to it.

Reasons That I Forget to Remember.

Some days, I forget the reasons why I don't want to be around people. I forget that the world isn't always forgiving of an honest opinion. That people can't be objective without being emotionally opinionated first. That it is easier to be a hypocrite and maintain a social standing than it is to be alone and maintain a principle.

Some days I forget that there was a reason why people left me alone. I forget that we don't always speak the same language. That whatever I have to say isn't something people usually enjoy talking about. That what people usually do isn't something I can join in without wishing how did it ever come to this and how can I get out of it.

Some days I forget that there was a reason why I am me. I forget that is a part of me that wishes there could be more people that enjoy the same world I live in. That in my own perfect space, torturing stupidity would be an acceptable and legal form of entertainment. That somehow I don't have to resort to writing down so many lines in a digital world to share with someone my own thoughts and feelings which I don't do in the real world.

Some days I remember what it's like to be the me I know. I remember that I usually stop musing about it at this point because life's too short to wonder what you are and who you were supposed to be. That what matters is how happy or content we are with the person we've become or the company we choose to be with. That some things are worth sticking up to regardless of what happens.

So you remember and that's what you tell yourself.

O is for ... Oh My God, What The Hell Am I Doing With My Life!

1.When life becomes routine and everything is set on autopilot, sometimes you have to remind yourself that there is a bigger purpose to life than just what you're doing now. Lest you end up being stuck in the same plot over and over again. Never going anywhere or amounting to anything.

2.If there is anything I don't like, is when there are spontaneous interruptions in my tight schedule. I don't see how some people can find that "a welcoming distraction"

3.When the end of a line approaches, is it alright to dread the consequences of your actions prior? Is it even alright to dread the beginning of a line in which you don't know where it ends?

4.In the face of all the worry, all the fear and all the doubt, there is a little dark hole in my head I crawl into to make everything go away. A place where I am abstained from everything that a person feels. Right now, I think I need to permanently put a bed and a coffee machine into that hole.

5.Some days, not even a generous helping of your favourite bourbon on the rocks can make your day feel any better. But it does always put things into perspective. When all is done and gone, it's always time to refill the glass. Over and over again.

Growing Pains.

The thing about youth is that we often mistake pride for intelligence and wisdom. Just because we are able get through high school and live a decent life, we believe that we're untouchable, free of the burden that life gives us. So when life occasionally throws a stick into our well oiled gears, we fall, our minds miserable and hurt, unable to see past what we only know as our own world.

I was young once and given the circumstances of my age, I think I still am. Yet the burdens of my youth were never one without a singular perspective, one that drove me to the edge of depression and spiralling insanity. That was my folly of youth, the belief that my own personal hell was mine for all eternity, a black hole in which I cannot escape and one that no one can help.

It wasn't until years later until I realized that people could help and that I had a choice. My burden's may have been my own to bear, but by no means did they mean I had to bear them in misery.

Going through the misery and darkness has never meant that we are special, even if our situations are unique to ourselves. Proving that your black cat is blacker than mine doesn't change the fact that we could have tried to be better than what we have become. It doesn't change the fact that suffering is still a universal constant in life and everyone goes through it. Suffering doesn't make you any different, what you do with your suffering does.

At the end of it, we still have a choice, even if they are limited to what we would or would not do. Misery will always be bound to the pride that tells us we deserve better. Anger and frustration will always be entwined by the expectations that a good life have always coddled us by. Sometimes we have to choose between letting that pride go or living with the misery under false pretences. More often than not an easy choice that's hard to enact.

I might not have found a way to completely let go of my pride or my misery, but it doesn't mean it has to offset the things in life that are good and worth being happy for. Part of living life is to know when to make your demons an issue and when to keep it at bay. It's not worth building a reputation by being a drama queen over things that aren't worth fussing about.

Given the old cliché that I often use, we all grow old. Maybe this a moment that starts telling you to grow up.

N ....is for Narcissistic Voyeurism

1. I like to have more in my life. Though in retrospect, it is only certain things in my life that I want more of. Mostly abstract things like respect, love and popularity. Of course, I would also want more gadgets, I can't get enough of the cold metallic machines in my life. Neither can I get enough of knowledge. More is good. I believe that the quest for more will always get you what you want in life, if you're willing to pay its price.

2. I procrastinate at an almost pathological level. It's not a bad thing at times, not doing something always leaves me room to think of ways to do it better. I used to try and get things done as quickly as possible, but these days I get things done when they are needed. It doesn't mean I'll miss a deadline, it just means I won't get a heart attack worrying about things when there isn't a need to worry about them.

3. I like to take satisfaction for every little thing that I do. It doesn't matter how small it might be for other people. As long as I know I achieved it on my own terms with my own hands. I like to stand tall and tell the world I know what I'm doing and I look good doing it. It does help in boosting my self-confidence and ego. Things I think everyone needs if they want to get ahead in the world. Some people say that self-praise is no praise at all. I say self-praise is the only praise you can trust to push you forward when the times get tough and there is no one there to prop you up.

4. I tend to want what other people have. It's no real fault of mine. The world is simply too big to think of everything you may need or want for yourself. It doesn't always mean that I want a new computer just because someone I know just bought one for themselves. It also means qualities that other people have are qualities I wish I could have for myself. If it can benefit them, it most certainly can benefit me. It fits in with the first fact about me. While having more is good, you have to start wanting them. I want what you have and I want it badly.

5. While it's not immediately obvious to the plain eye, I am a sexual person. When people talk about sex, drugs and rock and roll, for me at least, sex is my drug and rock and roll. It doesn't always mean the act itself though. The world of sex can be both innocently beautiful as well as decadently depraved. Whether it can be the act of a simple flirt or a full blown seduction. Whether it can be the tender morning afters or the sadistic masochism. It's a world I love because it can be so blissfully rewarding at times.

6. I'm a food person. If you find me in a new place I haven't been before, you can rest assured I'll be indulging myself in the local delicacies. That being said, I'm willing to try eat anything at least once. Fried grasshoppers? Surprisingly good. Sheeps eyeballs? I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. Fugu? That's one extreme sport I have yet to taste. After all, life's too short not to start treating your tastebuds right.

7. I am a very angry person. Angry and frustrated about a lot of things in my life. Mostly the past, but it does carry a little of itself into the present, poisoning it with every touch. I used to have a very short fuse, but I got better in controlling my anger. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not because that anger and frustration has given rise to a seething vindictiveness towards all the wrongs in my life. The only benefit that has come out of it is that the anger has also pushed me to go further than I would have gone before. It brings all my other traits together into a whole. Without it, I don't think I would have had the strength to carry on this far in life, succeeding when others predicted that I would fail. My anger is my strength and I am honored to have it.

Random Musings of the Week.

1. Waking up in the morning to realise that the dream you so vividly remember when you were half awake is now all but forgotten may quite often be a blessing in disguise.
2. The only solution against the mind numbing repetition at work is the ability to love what you do. Passion is its own rose coloured glasses.
3. Love is not easy, but it is never complicated. Like trying to lift an engine block out of a car, you really need to put your back into it, but it definitely isn't something that requires you to be a rocket scientist to accomplish.
4. Solitude a heavy burden to bear, but what's sadder still is when the only place left to turn to for comfort are the inorganic machines in your life and the fictional worlds in which they hold.
5. You have all the reason in the world to fear a future you can't understand or see, but you have more reason to fear a future you aren't willing to step up to and face. Our destinies are shaped not by the fates that befall us, but the actions of what we're willing to do to overcome them.

The Laws of Attraction.

Most people don't bother with the 'why' of love, they think it's completely inconsequential. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you actually know the reason why you're in love with them in the first place. Yes … good logic, one that I would usually beg to differ.

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to stop thinking of the reasons why you should keep on loving a person … especially when you're not entirely clear why you love the person in the first place. It's just common sense…one that would avoid the unecessary complications later. It's one thing to fall in love for the wrong reasons…it's another to be completely oblivious to those reasons.

I'm saying this right now because maybe I have found the reasons why I care and why I always have love for certain people. It's not enough that I have some undesireble need to solve every puzzle that interests me, it's just that somewhere along the way, I developed this delusion that I can fix everything. I stay with people not because I know they can make me happy, but because I know they are damaged.

It didn't matter that in some parts, they can drive me to the edge of insanity. It only mattered for the most part that I had the pathological need to fix things. Normal people bore me. They are uninteresting and often repetitive with mundane issues that a monkey with a bottle of aspirin can fix. People with two feet out the door, now there lies something eye-catching.

Damaged people, people not right in the head, people whom society calls for them to see shrinks, people who actually need to see a shrink…those are the people I pay most attention to, people whom I most seem to actually care for … people I can actually fall in love with, especially the ones that work well hiding their own damaged selves from public eye. There is my reason.

It's not just the 'want' with me anymore, but the need for me to be there for those that have a reason to have a puzzle unlocked … like the Rubik's cube I constantly finish over and over again on a daily basis on pure instinct. The attraction like any is as old as any … to find a person I'm always there to ponder and put together and never be satisfied with the answer. A person who is puzzle that can never be solved, a constant attraction and self-completeness till the day I die.

That's my reason for loving someone. That's my own siren's song in a ocean of people. The catch, however as always, is whether the feeling can ever be returned. Whether my own damaged self is a constant interest and a Rubik's Cube to the object of my affection. Of course … that is another story altogether.

Is Honesty the Best Policy After All?

Whoever said that honesty is the best policy probably never worked in politics, had a relationship or dealt with any area that involves people and their emotions. As long as you're not covering up some massive conspiracy involving dead people you killed, it's alright. It's only a little white lie.

While I usually would have something interesting to go along with this little piece of today's wisdom, I fear that any more of this and I would need to scrub myself down as if I was trying to remove toxic waste from my skin. Sometimes I forget that in dealing with people, it means you have to keep wearing the masks that hide who you really are, because people don't believe in anything else other than their own sense of self. I ask you, do I really have to keep wearing this mask every time I talk to even people I consider my close friends? Do we really have to?

Now I really feel like I need a shower.

Blink.. And It's Gone!

One moment of perfection. A moment in eternity where everything somehow seemed…right. That's what you get when you got that perfect understanding and connection. That's what you get when for that brief moment, as if the universe all flowed in one direction and you're at the center of it all, everything works out exactly at the right time and at the right place.

Whether by an understanding of an idea, an epiphany, a connection with a kindred spirit or a soul mate. Somehow…everything for that moment makes perfect sense and at the same time…everything doesn't matter but what is going on at that very second in time.

I know it isn't going to last long, I'm sure as hell it isn't going to last the next few hours. But while I'm in that state of the universe making perfect sense, I like to appreciate this moment in time. That's probably why I'm blogging this down. This is a record of the very moment I saw a future…a possible future where I could follow my dream and not give up everything I was born with. A possible future where I don't have to make a choice to sacrifice my what I want for what needs to be done.

All it takes is one choice, one act and everything can fall into place. If that role is played out again…then by all means…it's there for a reason. It's not just as a purpose for something, it is THE purpose of doing everything. It is the sign, the vison, the prelude and harbinger to a future we all can share together. A future that demands us no lighter responsibility and no greater sacrifice…but a future that rewards us with not just a world for others to share…but a world where we can share in the fruits of our sweat and blood.

Some days it's just good to feel alive. This…is definitely one of them.

Conversations.

Does no one talk anymore? It feels as if everyone needs to be doing something in order to be entertained. I remember trying to get together with an old friend for some drinks, maybe a coffee so that I could find out how he was doing. We were good friends in school, and since I hadn’t seen him in over six years, I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn about what he had been doing. When we were actually able to get together, we ended up playing board games. Although I had a good time, it felt odd that I didn’t have any updates from him by the time I left.

I understand that most people are busy with work, so much so that relaxation time ends up being hard-core playing and drinking time, which doesn’t involve something as lackadaisical as talking. I’ve been able to meet some good conversationalists, like Allain, Kevin and Nick, but they’re generally too busy to speak with. I don’t think anyone is at fault here, I guess I just wish that more people would be interested in conversation, who could commit more time to it.

I think it’s the fact that my brain is exercised when I can talk with someone. Many thoughts that are cloudy in my head become more solidified. I’m also able to learn so much when someone has a different perspective, and learning feels so good. It’s a pity that I don’t know more people that I can simply talk to. I haven’t had a nice, long conversation possibly in a year, since generally all other conversations feel rushed from work or some other activity. No one has the time to talk until 3 am anymore.

It’s going to be a long week.

Our Multiple Roles in Life.

At some point in time, I became an adult. Handling the responsibilities of a paid job, a roof over my head, bills and just basically trying to fit in all the things needed to survive a daily life. In a way, the life I've lived has always been this way. It wasn't hard to slip in and out of handling responsibilities in the real world when a large part of you was always living in it on your own. It makes you forget any distinction. It makes you forget any solace.

At some point in time, I became a lover. Basking in the warm radiance of someone who complements the kind of person you are, in spite of the best and worst parts of yourself. There are the joys of doting and being doted upon, and the bleakness of separation by time and distance. Yet at its core lies an unchangeable essence that has kept the relationship alive day after day, ironically born from the same failures in the past. It makes us heal the painful memories. It makes us know that we are never alone.

At some point in time, I became a child. Idly playing in a world that I never did in the years I should have, experiencing life through the eyes of innocence and cheekiness rather than a hard, morbid cynicism. In a way, the old world is new again, if only to share with a select group of people like a kid pretending to be hero with a secret identity. Yet in this playfulness lies a painful realisation that all good things must come to an end, even if it is temporary. It makes you appreciate what what's been missing. It makes you reach out for the things we desire most.

No matter what I've become over the years, they are still a part of me I've came to realise after some time. Such changes are never things you see coming, more often than not, they are gradual, like the shifting landscape that took centuries to carve. Yet, in these changes, they are often permanent, becoming a part of who you are rather than a temporary mask you slap on to get along with the people around you. It's what makes us the people we are, rather than the people we're forced to become. It is still you as I am still me. For better or for worse, we have to live with it, and live with it the best way we can.

Cat Tax.

The key to winning over a cat is to pay the cat 'tax'. Whenever I enter a room with a cat in it, whether it’s just coming out of the shower, coming home from work, or just walking around the apartment, I’ll give the cat a little scratch. It lets him know that his presence is recognized, and that he's never ignored, not even once. It’s a small price to pay to have a cat who’s friendly and trusting.

A Little bit on Friendship.

I remember watching Seinfeld, and not being able to stand Kramer. He seemed to ruin so much of what his friends were doing, like hiring cigar rollers to roll crêpes, only to have them explode in the faces of customers, somehow causing George’s girlfriend to break up with him.

It always made me wonder why Jerry would never break off his friendship with him, why Jerry would always put up with someone who never seemed to give as much pleasure as the amount of strife he created.

I find the situation to be so common. I suppose that I’m constantly re-evaluating my relationships, and that as soon as a limit is reached, I have no interest in continuing the relationship. It’s probably the reason why I get over my break-ups so quickly, if not the idea of the situation, than the comfort. The fact that I’ve always been the breaker probably helps too.

I spoke with G about it, and he explained to me very well that to Jerry, the friendship was worth it. I now understand that people see their friendships in a different manner, and that what I wouldn’t put up with may just be a simple matter to others.

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t see everything so day-to-day. However, by constantly re-evaluating my relationships, I not only clearly see the problems with bad ones, but I am able to appreciate the ones that are good as well.

An idea that has become common in my beliefs is that I should live as a demanding person, but I should give as much as I get. Perhaps that’s why I stop being friends with certain people, whereas others I would die for. I would prefer to live with a few close friends, as opposed to a plethora of acquaintances. Sometimes it still confuses me though, how people can put up with what I can only see as a terrible flaw.

There’s a fine line between knowing when to be selfish, and knowing when to be kind to others, even if kindness means sacrifice.

You (Only) Think You Know Me, but...

I never tell anyone to keep my secrets. I only tell secrets to those I trust, which happens to be less than a handful of people. These people know me well enough to understand the gravity of what I talk about and gauge whether they should keep it to themselves.

Whenever people ask that I don’t tell anyone else about what they’re about to say, I never even acknowledge the request. For me, it’s a complete given, something that shouldn’t even have to be said. I will rarely talk about anyone to anyone else, because one can never be too sure about what should be kept secret. Some people find that I take this a little to the extreme, since I won’t even talk about something like what someone ordered for dinner on the off-chance that they’re on a diet and don’t want others to know. The risk of hurting somebody is never worth it to me.

I think this way mainly due to the fact that I’ve gone through a lot of pain and trouble, simply due to some “innocent” gossip. I can’t fricking stand it when people talk about things that don’t concern them in any way, aside from only knowing the people involved. I especially can’t stand it when someone knows that saying something is wrong, and they go ahead and do it anyway. It’s made me a very unopen person to most. It’s not just the potential for hurt though, there are some things that I simply don’t want people to know.

But that’s another story altogether.

Happy 52nd Birthday Malaysia - You Have Got a LONG Way to Go!

Original source of this article can be found here.

Malays Speaking Without Fear.

By Nurul Izzah Anwar

AUG 31 — I can’t say that I know Datuk Zaid Ibrahim very well. Our past encounters have been limited to a fleeting hello in front of the steps of my alma mater, the Johns Hopkins University’s School of Advanced International Studies in 2006, another chat during a reception in honour of Datuk Ambiga Sreevanesagan in June and, most recently, at the PKR’s recent EGM. It’s amazing, but perhaps unsurprising that he has in these three years evolved from an ambiguous reformist in Umno into the conscience of all Malaysians.

I had always been impressed by his outspokenness, and his willingness to fearlessly voice out his views on issues of national importance is nothing short of inspirational. Zaid does not mince his words where many hesitate to call a spade a spade, especially where it matters the most.

An articulate Malay speaking out for a multiracial and progressive Malaysia is terribly important in this current political climate. For our own community, Zaid epitomises how the Malays might redefine ourselves, to re-imagine a world where we do not think that we are inferior or threatened but are rather confident in whom we are.

In reading Zaid’s book Saya Pun Melayu, I sense the need for Malays to embrace a new paradigm on what it means to be Malay. Many indeed are doing so and this is a heartening. “Malay” need no longer carry connotations of dependency on the state, insecurity or the crippling feeling alienation and the lack of self-worth.

The word “Malay” can and must eventually mean a call to embrace a broader Malaysian identity, along with a true, inclusive nationalism that is proud of who we are individually but also in what we have accomplished together. We can be sure of our identities and yet still be a part of something greater than all of us — and this is something all the ethnic groups in Malaysia ought to aspire to.

Zaid’s book highlights that fact that we need to look beyond the stereotypes and take an objective, albeit positive look at our community’s accomplishments. We have made great strides in business, the arts, education and the professions. Our success extends from Lembah Pantai where Malays own vibrant businesses selling products made by Malays to the flourishing nasi lemak stalls in Kota Baru.

We attend leading universities throughout the world, increasingly through our own merit. We can count internationally recognised choreographers, painters, cartoonists, writers, and film directors amongst our numbers.

Beyond these markers, our success can more often that not be seen at home through our everyday acts of compassion and sensitivity to others, which spread to our fellow Malaysians to become a national virtue. The kindness shown towards our children, parents and neighbours is perhaps one of the most important signs of who we Malays are as a community. These are real achievements that no one can or would want to take from us.

I’m not denying that we still have a long way to go in moving our community forward, nor am I unmindful that a lot of our successes would not have been in possible without the NEP and its institutions. However, it has become patently obvious that these structures are now holding the Malays back, and that the world has changed since then.

The Malays and, as a-matter-of-fact, all Malaysians need to change as well if we want to remain relevant in this world. We need to step away from our obsession with all things racial and realise that the project of nation-building is not a zero-sum game. Malaysia can never succeed until and unless its entire people feel like they are truly a part of it.

Why then does the old paradigm of ethnic insecurity persist? Why does suspicion and acrimony towards our fellow Malaysians and they towards us still linger? Why are mainstream newspapers calling for ethnic conflict, accusing minority communities of all sorts of ludicrous plots?

The sad reality is that these myths are being perpetuated by Umno and Barisan Nasional for their own gain. The fact is that Umno wants to keep the Malay community under its suzerainty forever. They do this by focusing on what we have supposedly not achieved, rather than acknowledging our gains and potential.

They claim to want to protect and uplift the Malay community, but all they have been doing for the last few years is playing on their fears and prejudices. The same can be said for the Barisan components with the non-Malays. This glass-half-empty mentality is being used by Umno/BN to protect each other and to ward off challenges to their stranglehold on power.

We’ve seen from the case of Zaid of how Umno demonises anyone who steps out of the pattern of complete loyalty to the party and who have different ideas on how to improve the livelihoods of Malays and Malaysians. We have also as of late seen their scare tactics in action. They have labelled people as “traitors” for calling for a new path of development for Malaysia. They prefer to protect their interests rather than allow the Malaysian people — especially the Malays — to benefit from reform, less corruption and more inclusion.

Umno also regrettably perpetuates the myth that the Malay community is perpetually under threat from their non-Malay counterparts, and that Umno is the only party that can save them from this supposed “servitude”. This, rather than anything else, is why race relations have gotten worse in Malaysia.

You cannot expect harmony in a country where its largest ethnic group is constantly bombarded with the message that the minorities are supposedly out to get them and take away their rights. Yet, they chose to follow this tactic since they believe in the short term this will strengthen Umno and bring Malays back to the party.

They use these “attacking” tactics because they cannot offer anything else. They have shown that they would prefer to entrench those in power rather than allow new ideas and reforms to increase our chances for greater success. There is a real danger that their short-sightedness may cost future generations of Malaysians dearly.

The fact is that Malays have nothing to fear. We are demographically the largest ethnic group in Malaysia and the birth rate is going to keep it that way. Our position in the constitution is enshrined and this isn’t going to change either.

That is what Umno and the Malay extremists do not get, and what the community as a whole needs to understand. The non-Malays and Malays who challenge Umno are not seeking to reduce the position of the Malays in anyway, but to defend and uplift all Malaysians. We have to understand that we are all tied together and that we all have a stake in the land. We cannot survive individually as Malays, Chinese or Indians but as Malaysians.

Our non-Malay fellow citizens are not “challenging” our rights or “insulting” or culture and religion — rather they are calling for our nascent nationhood to be allowed to achieve it’s full potential than for us to remain stuck in our ethnic and mental ghettos. The liberals and moderates amongst the non-Malays also suffer from the depredations of extremists within their own communities — they deserve our support as well. The wave of reactionary politics that is engulfing us can only be turned back if progressive Malaysians stand firm against their threats and untruths.

While it is true that much more needs to be done to address those who have not benefited — for all Malaysians — the focus on what we don’t have rather on what we have accomplished only undermines us. We need to imagine a better future, for Malays and Malaysians — this will incidentally make it easier for all of us to achieve what we might lack.

The Malaysia of tomorrow cannot be one in which we are blinded by fear and negativity. The first step in imagining and defining a better future for all of us is to open our eyes and speak out like Zaid and others like him.

Imbalance.

I think Max may be interested in having another cat around the house. I’ve been playing some cat sounds, and no matter where he is in the apartment, he’ll coming running into my room. A second cat is something I only started to consider recently. Last year it felt as if I wouldn’t be able to handle the chores, let alone doubling the annual veterinarian bill. Sometimes he seems lonely though, like when he immediately starts to cry when I walk in the door after a day of work, his protesting only being soothed after picking him up, and being replaced by a low purr. I’ve always seen myself as a one cat person; I think I’d feel a little imbalanced if I had more than one. If I do decide to get one, it will definitely be after I start making more money, and possibly after I can purchase a bigger apartment. It would be more for Max than for me though. I can’t imagine finding another cat that is as well-adapted as he is, so the idea scares me a little.

One time I discussed with G whether he would ever consider getting two dogs. He said that he couldn’t, not just because it would be much harder to handle, but because he would feel more favourable to one or the other.

The idea of favour is one that I haven’t been able to understand. How can parents love all their kids without liking one more than the other, especially when one follows the desires of the parents more closely. It might be something I don’t understand, growing up as an only child. If such a balance is possible, wouldn’t polygamous relationships work as well? I think part of the misunderstanding stems from my confusion of relational love and parental love as well.

For love is the root of my imbalance.

Pandora's Curse.

I had a dream last night, a dream that seemed so real, a dream I did not want. A dream of scattered memories sewn together, creating such a perfect world, where love was requited, where I was blissfully happy. When I awoke, everything I had was gone.

All I was left with was hope, and emptiness. I immediately knew that what I had was false, too perfect a world for me to live in. I felt bitter, as if I had something taken away from me which I felt was rightfully mine.

Why would my subconscious trick me so? Why should I feel so terrible, so laden with hope? Couldn’t my mind simply give up this struggle, freely, without interference?

Hope is not a good thing for me. It makes me weak and vulnerable. When I have no hope, then all is known. Nothing is uncertain. I am sure of what I have and what I don’t have. Progress can be made on accepting this. But when hope enters my mind, all progress is lost, and I can only try to fight for what I’ve gained.

Yet I wish to dream again tonight, of memories strewn together, for they were so wonderful, that any let down seems worth it. I don’t know why I’d want to torture myself again, feeling empty and bitter when I wake up. Somehow, the high seems worth it, like some addictive drug Pandora was selling out of her magical box of plagues and death.

Perhaps I actually do believe in what my hope is telling me. Perhaps I need to believe in something, that somehow this will change, that things will be different. Or perhaps I’m simply a fool, willingly falling for something that may make me happy, but empty in the end.

Nothing good ever came out of Pandora’s box.

M is for .. Making it worthwhile.

Sometimes it feels like there’s too much to think about, too much to wonder about, too much to understand. It seems like I’ll never be able to catch up with all my thoughts. There are too many things that take me too long to know. Yet I’m still learning, or trying, at least, every day.

I wish I had all the time in the world to figure things out, to become wiser or more intelligent.

It would be worth it.

Leader or Follower?

It's an old question of the day which made me think of my own responses. But before that, I'll put down the definitions for a leader and follower, for my sake and yours so that we understand where we're coming from.

Leader – A person who rules or guides or inspires others.
Follower – A person who accepts the leadership of another.

The common stereotype of a leader is someone who's in charge. Normally someone higher up the hierarchy. Your parents, your boss, some older senior who's picking on you all the time, someone who makes the final decision and tells you what to do. They dictate your role and you're expected to follow making you the stereotypical follower.

The pattern of being a traditional leader or a follower is built over the respect of a social status, the knowledge and ignorance between the leader and the followers and fear of repercussions by the one in charge. At the end of it, this is what most people know and understand because at it's most basic levels, this is all too often true.

But being a leader or a follower doesn't always equate to a how you appear in public. While I still define a leader as someone who makes the final decision, it doesn't necessarily mean that the most public figure displays true leadership. A poster boy can command an audience yes, but if what they say and do aren't actions of their own, then by all means, they aren't leaders.

All too often the illusion of who is in charge is overlooked by the masses who only understand that what you see is what you get. If leadership is based on the one who makes the final decision, then those who work behind the curtains to place, to inspire and to guide the public figures around are the real leaders. To that end, a person can be your boss, but they can never be your superior.

The same can be said for dominant/submissive relationships. To those unfamiliar with the world, it is the submissives who have power over the dominant partner because at the end of it, it is the submissive who ultimately dictate how far they can go. This kind of inverse powerplay is more suited in the world today where the lines are blurred between our roles in society and our understanding of our individual persona.

Now, I can answer the original question because I know I am not a follower. I do whatever I can to dictate the eventual outcome of the life ahead of me. Irrespective of who I bow my head down to, every one I know has their place along my life and every action I take is with a purpose. I know, I will never have the ability to become an actor on the stage, but I do know I have what it takes to be the director and producer behind the scenes. If there is a goal to something, I will produce a storyline towards that end.

So am I a leader? Not if you want to count me as a public figure. But as someone that can orchestrate and execute plans within plans. I know now that I fit that bill. Chances are, I won't be remembered down in history as someone who did something great, but in great people are the small deeds that they do with great passion and commitment. Maybe that's how a leader should be, at least one I aspire to become.

L is for .....Lousy Days Are Here.

I'm sorry."

"That's alright, it happens all the time."

Yes it happens all the time and while I shouldn't be feeling any more down and out than I already am, it's hard not to. There are a lot of things on my shoulder right now and while that usually isn't cause for concern, the lack of finding something to take my mind off things is once again taking its toll on me.

The only optimistic thing here is that I'm so engrossed in my work for most of the day that I hardly find the time to worry about the things that go wrong, instead do whatever I can to compensate for the lack of needful things. It's just that when the sun goes down, I find myself taking my work home with me in an effort to stave off the inevitable sense of isolation and helplessness that's wrapped about me like a cloak. So much so that I have foregone sleep in the attempt not to spend those few moments lying there in bed wishing for someone to walk me through the night.

Is a friend to talk to too much to ask in times of need?

In My Darkest Moments...

It's hard to live each day when you don't know when they will come for you.

It's hard to appreciate each moment when you have to keep watching your own back.

Like a prisoner on death row, the end could come at any time.

I don't want this dream to end, but the inevitable has to come to pass as all dreams have to come to an end.

It's just a matter of whether or not the nightmare will take its place.

The clock is ticking, it always does.

So I Caved In....

People have asked me if I was on Twitter. "No," I would say, "I barely have time to blog let alone twit, or tweet, or twat, or whatever those people are calling it these days."

But ... as you can probably guess, I've finally caved. I only have 12 followers so far, so yes, it's a fairly exclusive club.

I have no idea how it even works or how long I'll be using it before I decide I've had enough, but if you feel like it, join up or sign up or follow me around or whatever you call it. I am asking you this mostly because I don't know if I can keep thinking shit up for 12 people, no matter how awesome and ahead of the curve they are.

Tell your friends. Originally I was thinking your real, live friends and not your Facebook friends, but OK, you can tell your Facebook friends, too.

I should hang a banner up there that says, "Don't Expect Too Much."

I'll try to deliver at least that. Thanks!

Idle Thoughts.

Some days you are your own best friend.
Other days you can be your worst enemy.
Then there are the days in between.

87 Drafts.

I've got 87 posts that I've begun to write, but for some reason or another, never got around to finishing it. I gave them a quick scan and came to the conclusion that they are not worth finishing.

It's funny how something I thought worthy of meaning even a few short months ago, is now deemed to be nothing at all in the present moment. Funny how my mind works.

All about context, I suppose. As every day passes, my thoughts change ... what I find important or unimportant changes ... priorities change. Time changes everything even without meaning to. Even over a short period of time.

Life is funny. Hilarious at times ... perplexing for most of it. Completely unpredictable to some extent. I mean not really, but we lead ourselves to believe that it can be. Life isn't unpredictable. It's not completely set in stone, but our every past action has led us to where we are today. So in that sense, we kind of felt the direction we were taking and knew to some extent where we were headed.

Again a post with no meaning, but this won't go in the drafts. Not all of my thoughts or posts need to be planned out. They don't all have to tell a story. They can be haphazard. Right? Well, it's my blog so the answer to the question would be one that agrees.

Am I making sense? It's okay. Not everything has to make sense all the time.

Judging Senorita.

There are people on this planet who get an idea and work hard to realise it. Others sit on the fence and ponder. Some weigh up options then make informed decisions. Others talk themselves out of a venture due to the fear of losing a comfort zone.

Out of these shooting stars, some get to accomplish their dreams, others who don’t get to revel in success remain undefeated and possibly try again.

When an astute person takes an adventurous step into the unknown, inevitably they ruffle others’ feathers. Other people’s reactions to their ventures are varied, yet they invariably express them in context of either biasness and diffidence.

There are the naysayers, the I-thought-of-it-before (yet didn’t do it), the la-la-la singers with palms firmly over perky ears, the wise monkey emulators with eyes shut but curiously peeking through gaps in their fingers; it's a pity some do not know how to speak no evil. All act according to personal gain and hidden agendas, eventually passing a judgement that feeds their purpose.

What shines across the galaxy like the Evening Star after sunset are the heartfelt and the genuine, the stellar individuals who may or may not covet others yet wholeheartedly (and without prejudice) support them in their endeavours.

They are as easy to spot with the naked eye as a full moon in a starless sky.

Relationships Are Not Meant to Make you Happy.

People often turn relationships into complicated dramas. I'm not usually talking about the kind of events that spice things up for both people either, I'm talking about the dramas that often signal trouble in paradise. It's something that I have always failed to understand how people can so myopic towards what they have in front of them, until I realised that what I sought for in a relationship, isn't entirely the same as what other people look for in theirs.

Sometimes I forget that people in general have an almost insatiable need to distract themselves and run away from the things that matter, especially when what matters can scare the living daylights out of them. It's not something that can be blamed on people's choices either. After all, it's hard to ignore that people are emotional creatures and we put a lot of stock into what we feel into the choices that we make, and no choice more emotionally invested than one bonded by love.

I used to think that, when you find a person that you love, that you're willing to open up to and devote yourself to, that you do so because you're happy to be where you are. This sentiment is of course shared by everyone looking to find or are in a relationship. Over time though, I began to realise that happiness is such a fleeting emotion. You're happy to be somewhere in your life for once, then you realise that happiness isn't enough. You can't pay the bills with it, or put a roof over your head, or put clothes over your back with it. As much as you can be happy in a relationship, you will have to face the certain reality that you will go to tough times and they are never happy moments.

Maybe that's where a lot of relationships go wrong in life. People grow up with the idea that in finding the one you love, you'll find happiness that will last you a lifetime. It doesn't help that Hollywood tends to churn out stories that make people believe that love is happiness and happiness can be forever, but most people look into a relationship, the question that burns through their minds will always be "Can I find happiness here?", and when they get into the first spot of unhappiness, they begin to run away, trying to find something else, even another relationship that can keep them smiling in the face of a reality that they hate. People are unhappy when they find that relationships don't bring them the happiness they want. Then again, they are not supposed to.

Relationships are not meant to make you happy. They are meant to make you complete. Your happiness, is still your own responsibility to bear.

Relationships are meant to give you the parts that you can never have on your own. If you're going to be new-age about it, it's about finding the yin to your yang. That completeness, whether it be built over the time spent discovering one another, or if you're extremely lucky, find someone who complements you right off the bat, is what makes our world go round. It makes us feel like we're capable of anything, and why shouldn't it be that way? After all, when you know you have someone there to watch over things you cannot handle, when you know that there is so much more to life than you knew by just being yourself, how can you not be capable of anything?

That is what relationships should be about. Not the transient feeling of happiness, but the realisation that two imperfect people can create a beautiful, if not perfect whole. Whether you choose to find happiness from there, is still your choice, but it's not going to be something given to you when you find someone you love. It has always been something you create. Whether you choose to create that happiness with the the person that completes your life, is a responsibility that rests solely on your shoulders.

A Little Bit of Privacy, Please.

Sometimes, on the darkest days when no one is there, when no one watches, when no one listens, I like to sit down and watch my world bleed, and the rest of the world to burn.

Today is one of those days.

Death.

Sometimes death has a way of showing us how different and unique we are as individuals walking along this road in life.

"I think the universe sort of took her back to remind us of something"

"And here I am thinking how awesome it would be to sit in on his autopsy."

It's a paradox that with death, the end of one's life, comes a certain perspective and appreciation for living. Whether it be universal introspection or scientific curiosity, we each deal with it in different ways. Ways that reflect the kind of person we are and the kind of life we have lived. But death still touches us in ways that not even emotion can adequately express. So we deal with the best we can, because the alternative means becoming the things we should never be.

And that isn't living a life at all.

It's All About Choices.

Sometimes you can't help being who you are. We are all products of our environment and whatever we react to, is merely our natural instinct. Often without thought or regard for consequences, we are slaves to our own situation regardless of how much we believe in choosing our own roads.

Yet, not all is lost, choices that are mere reactions to events were never the true choices that we make. At the end of it, what still lies in our control is our ability to make conscious decisions on what is inherently good and what's ultimately evil. Not that the two opposing roads are objective choices in the first place, but they are one of the few things that we can control that leads to something more than just an effect of a cause.

I have made many choices. Some are ones that lead to more problems, some, ultimately turned out to be the better choices. Whatever it is now that I make now to deal with the monumental task at hand, I know, I shouldn't apologize for. Some things are too big to just take the road most travelled. As such, some choices, while not necessarily good, are for the better. My only regret is that those choices aren't always understood by people, even the people that were once closest to you.

My only solace is that at the end of this, I hold with me a little peace of mind and of heart. While selfish choices never seem like the right thing to do, it still goes back to our motives and what's important in the long term. Some may call it 'pushing away'. I call it 'saving myself'. We can only argue the schematics of our perspectives, but it doesn't make it right.

Then again, it doesn't mean we could be wrong about it either.

Get It Into Your Head!

I'll get straight to the point because I'm still busy after yesterday's fiasco. There are two kinds of people in this world. People who get it and people who don't. It's not good or bad. It just is what it is. People who understand exactly what you're talking about and people who don't. Let me explain further just in case people don't get it.

People who get it: They get it even before you open your mouth.

People who don't get it: Don't have a clue in the universe on what you're talking about no matter how much you try to explain.

This is damn obvious on a daily basis, more so in our little part of the blogosphere. There are just so many ways of doing things … it isn't a matter of who's right and who's wrong anymore.

It's the matter of whether you make it better or not.

It's that given the difference of experience, chances and opportunities, it is highly unlikely that advice no matter how sincere and good would be understood by anyone the first time it is told. It's just the way of things. We just can't see past what we already know. Anything more and we just have to experience it for ourselves to see the point … and that takes time and effort. Sometimes a long long time.

Now I could give 101 examples of what I'm trying to say, but unfortunately I'm still trying to go cold turkey from my monolouging habit so I am just leaving it the way it is and going back to this little problem of mine. At the end of it, you know who you all are … you know where you stand, you know where the other person stands. It's just a matter of whether you actually get what everyone is saying or not. It's just a matter of whether you want to get it or not. I hope you do … for your sake. I hope you do.

Get it?

In Search of ...

"You've changed. You've grown in ways that eclipse who you once were. No one in your life can keep up with you anymore. No one you once knew truly knows who you are anymore. No one but me."

While it is becoming apparent that a lot of my friendships are at a loss. I've come to realize that the slow death between best friends and friends doesn't fall in the inability to be in their constant presence. The slow death of all my friendships lie in the changes that make up who I've become.

It's not an easy thing to grow up. Attitudes change, perspectives change and most importantly priorities change. Who we once were slowly gives way to what we have to become, for better or for worse, to deal with the world around us. Yet when friendships are built on the mutual similarity, agreement or benefit that two people build that bond on, what happens when those common grounds no longer exist for one or the other?

It is inevitable that friendships drift apart due to the differences of time. My life is a testament of those differences. No longer do I follow or take interest in matters of old. No longer am I held down by feelings of the past. What I do now is more true to myself than I have been for the past 5 years and I make no allowances for being anyone else but me.

The only regret I could have is not being able to share what amounts to my life now to the people I want to call my friends. In the face of judgemental prejudice or speechless incomprehension, I feel somewhat isolated and alone, not being able to share my day, let alone the happiness of my life with anyone. A fairly substantial price to pay, I would think, for a slice of truth and well being in a moment's existence.

There is no denying that at in times like this, there is but one solution to this simple conundrum.

"That would mean I need to find new friends."

Because the alternative is a lot more miserable than I deserve especially in this state of mind. The least I can do is greet those that walk the same roads that I do. That at least is a start, if not of something great, then at least of something worthwhile. After all, isn't that what our journey should be about?

Random Thoughts on a Lazy Saturday Afternoon.

1. Sometimes, looking back at the past troubles you, not so much because things have changed, but because things still stayed the same and only you have changed.

2. The only thing I fear more than losing the state of mind and forgetting all the experiences that made me who I am, is gaining a condition that would force me to lay off the foods I always loved to eat. I have a dreaded feeling that the latter fear has slowly been creeping up on me.

3. Despite not being usually affected by the concept of age, "teenageer watching" on Orchard Road still does put into perspective how far I've gone and how far I still have to do.

4. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that no matter how much things look up, life always finds a way to kick you where it hurts. It is a lesson I learned well after the 800th time or so, but I always seem to forget it when it matters the most. Such is the nature of optimism and hope.

5. While the limitations to geeking out always involves how much I can afford, it is not without that certain hunger for my desires that I will crawl through broken glass for. After all, sometimes well worth cut flesh to know you got what you wanted all along. Dying happy is always more than a figure of speech.

6. While it's hard for some people to understand why I do the things that I do, it's funny how often they have come to rely on my experience and expertise for the problems they face. Experience and expertise gained from doing the very things that they disagree with.

K is for ....Keeping Up with Life.

The start of any relationship-friendship is often an exciting time of anticipation and discovery. We meet someone new whose company we enjoy, learn that we share commonalities, begin to enjoy conversation and reap whatever little pleasures they bring into our lives.

At the start, everything is fresh and exciting. We can be tolerant of their behaviours, attitudes, reactions as we progress through the discovery phase, provided nothing has offended us thus far. Such as, if they can’t meet with us on a particular time due to shift work arrangements, we accept it as we learn about them and what constitutes their lives.

But once a relationship-friendship is forged, and the initial getting to know you stage has settled, we begin to develop expectations of them. For example, if we’ve shared with them our passion for photography or a tennis match every Tuesday night, we expect to be asked about our interests every so often.

And that is when expectations can lead to disappointment.

The period of tolerance is ever so transient before we begin to interpret their behaviour as loss of interest or a change of heart. If we care enough about the person, resentment starts to build over time which can lead to passive-aggressive behaviours.

Simply put… it sucks.

Take the communication route and try to find out the reason for their change, and it can be misinterpreted as an accusation. Words can cut like a sword or denial can cause further uncertainty.

Did I say it sucks?

Expectations are a part of life and deeper human interactions. Remove them from the relationship-friendship equation, and we are left with apathy, and a shallow pool of acquaintances who don’t enrich our lives.

So what remains is to follow a different path, that of a slow and winding road to withdrawal. And watch the relationship-friendship disintegrate into chunks that eventually crumble into the dust of indifference, disregard and oblivion.

Only to be sucked by a Dyson.

Or deleted from the archives. Of the mind. Of email. Of memory. Just as they have.

Because in a fit of anger, they no longer matter.

I Am Tyler Durden.

Dear Internet,
I have now begun week two of a raging case of insomnia. Let the crazy begin.

Senorita version 4.3

The "I Hate.." Meme

1. Most hated food:
Liver and beets are equally nasty.

2. Most hated person:
I don’t think I really hate anyone, but the one person who aggravates the hell out of me is Whiny Bitch's Cousin — for those of you who don’t know, she’s a 40-something woman who’s never been married, never had children, had everything given to her by her mom and dad, cries when she doesn’t get her way, know-it-all. One of these days, I might just give into my urge to slap her.

3. Most hated job:
The few months I worked as a child-minder at some nursery school were unbearable.

4. Most hated city:
Miami. Really.

5. Most hated band:
Any band that Neil Young has been in or is currently a part of. Hate the voice!

6. Most hated (non-blog) website:
Perez Hilton or any website that gets famous by being mean.

7. Most hated TV program:
Those stupid reality shows in which the producers try to hook people up in 6 weeks’ time or in which they create atmospheres where there are guaranteed to be fights because they put people who would never hang out together in a completely unrealistic place.

8. Most hated politician:
I can't decide.

9. Most hated artist:
I don’t have one. Art is art, whether it is good or bad.

10. Most hated book:
Animal Farm — because I never really "got" it.

11. Most hated shop or store:
K-Mart

12. Most hated organization:
PETA

13. Most hated historical event:
The Holocaust

14. Most hated sport:
Golf.

15. Most hated technology:
Fax machines — I don’t really hate them; but I think they hate me because they start acting up when they see me coming. Grrrr.

16. Most hated annual event:
April 15 - Tax Day.

17. Most hated daily task:
Getting out of bed — Once I accomplish that, the rest is not so bad.

18. Most hated comedian:
I don’t pay attention to enough of them to know.

19. Most hated blog:
I refuse to say because it would give that person more attention and that’s exactly what he or she wants. Suffice it to say that this person loves to keep drama stirred up and people at each other’s throats.

20. Most hated song:
Macarena.

If I Were.....

What a fascinating meme this is! I have no idea where I found it, nor when I got it, but I’ve been sitting on it in my drafts folder for a while. It would be really fun if many of you all stole it and completed this one too.

If I were a direction I’d be… South.
If I were furniture I’d be… a chaise lounge — I’d love to just lie around all day.
If I were a liquid I’d be… a lychee margarita.
If I were a sin I’d be… sloth.
If I were a gemstone I’d be… a ruby.
If I were a metal I’d be… platinum, ’cause I’m precious (awwwww)
If I were a tree I’d be… a kumquat.
If I were a fruit I’d be… a peach.
If I were a flower I’d be… a daffodil.
If I were weather I’d be… a cool, rainy Saturday.
If I were a music instrument I’d be… a bass.
If I were an element I’d be… water.
If I were a color I’d be… green.
If I were an animal I’d be… a cat — totally spoiled!
If I were a sound I’d be… wind chimes.
If I were a lyric I’d be… “Could I have been anyone other than me?” — Dave Matthews
If I were a song I’d be… “Banana Pancakes” — Jack Johnson
If I were a music type I’d be… alternative — a little bit of everything and hard to figure out.
If I were a perfume/cologne I’d be… Pleasures.
If I were a feeling I’d be… content.
If I were a book I’d be… Pride and Prejudice.
If I were food I’d be… chocolate.
If I were a city I’d be… Capetown.
If I were a taste I’d be… tangy.
If I were a scent I’d be… cucumber.
If I were a word I’d be… onomatopoeia.
If I were a verb I’d be… read.
If I were an object I’d be… a book.
If I were a piece of clothing I’d be… a cozy scarf.
If I were a body part I’d be… eyes.
If I were an facial expression I’d be… a grin.
If I were a cartoon character I’d be… Bugs Bunny.
If I were a movie I’d be… Moonstruck.
If I were a geometrical figure I’d be… a circle.
If I were one of the 4 seasons I’d be… autumn.
If I were a sentence I’d be… I love you.

A Little Bit of God, A Swig of Beer and Something about Relationships.

A few weeks, a close girlfriend of mine told me that she is going to leave her entire relationship in God's hands. Despite being the scientific agnostic at heart, I actually understood the whole term of leaving the entire relationship in God's ever fidgety hands, though I didn't actually think about it until today.

It turns out that some of the best laid plans in life, especially in regards to a relationship always starts in the best in being laid back. I'm going to let that soak into your head first.

Looking back at all the relationships that I have been before, it's pretty obvious that me being me, I can't never leave things alone. I am, by nature, a person who continuously tweaks and pushes something until it either becomes the best … or it breaks. Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, you can't tweak things until they become the best … more often than not, things end up breaking, which was pretty obvious in my last relationship.

So what's there to do in life when you're in a situation where you are with someone else that you may probably love? Do you shower him devotion and self-sacrifice? Do you buy him many things and surround him with physical objects of sentimentality? Do you spend every waking moment with him and attend to his wants and needs followed by physical sweet nothings?

I used to believe in all those things, making a near-career out of giving the right advice for the right people at the right moments. But then comes a point where you realize that if you want a relationship to last, if you want to know what really works in the end … the best thing you could ever do when you're in a relationship is by taking it easy and doing what makes the most sense to you and the person you love (or may probably love).

The thing is, when you have reached a level of experience that comes with having a certain amount of relationships or heartbreaks, you're entitled to the reality that there are no rules of engagement in a relationship. What works for some people may never work on others and vice versa. You can't preplan nor can you predict and anticipate what may happen throughout the course of your relationship with a person because life and love is just too unpredictable for that.

The best you can do though is to take everything as they come … or in other words … leave everything in God's hands and just deal with what comes right ahead of you. Then again, most of the men I involve myself with, were never really the religious type. More to the point, he's a firm believer of the good brew on a hot day. So at the end of it, it comes down to this:

"Love is just another cold beer on the front porch, it cools you down on a hot day, washes all your worries away and sometimes you feel like anything is possible; but don't drink it too fast, otherwise what's left is an empty can to throw away and a bitter taste in your mouth"

Unconventional Wisdom

Every once in a while I need to look back on my life and remember life's quotable mottos filled with crazy wisdom that has seen me through the best of times and walked me through the darkest of times. I thought today might be a good day to share with you some of them.

1. If all else fails, stop and take time to drink alcohol, the solution to all of life's problems. The problems won't go away, but you'd be surprised what you can think of after 5 glasses of bourbon.
2. If you're going down anyway, you might as well go down with everything you've got and a whole lot more.
3. The best times of your life are often the ones where you never saw coming. The worst times in your life are often the ones you expected to happen anyway.
4. The best of friendships often starts by answering the question "What can they offer you for as long as possible?"
5. Maturity is knowing you did something stupid in the past. Common sense is knowing you are about to do something stupid now. Wisdom is knowing you are going to do something stupid in the future.

While there are more unconventional wisdom locked up in this head of mine. I'm pretty sure 5 is enough for single sitting. Be sure to use them with care. The thing about crazy wisdom is that while they work in real life, they often carry with them consequences best left for people with a certain sense of eccentricity. Just as well though, after all, sometimes to deal with life, you have to be better than normal.

You just have to be abnormal.

I figured as much.

You Are From Uranus

You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric. You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude. Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential. Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone. Your creative ways and funky attitude is all you need to be you.

What Planet Are You From?

RIP - Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

Before the Glove.

Word of the Day.

Just so you know...

Anhedonia - is the inability to experience pleasure from normal life events, such as eating, exercise or social/sexual interaction.

It's Good to Set Goals.

Goals for today:

1. Interact with as few human beings as possible.
2. Be productive.
3. Try not to get pissed off.
4. Try not to get fired.
5. Try not to 'accidentally' throw myself in front of a speeding bus.

Ugh, it's one of those days.

I hate the beginning part of whenever you start a workout regime. You know, the part where you start and you're all gung-ho for a few weeks and think that by the end of it, you'll have Victoria Secret banging on your door to do a show for them?

What I hate the most is that I feel good (sort of) and I feel like I'm doing something good (sometimes) but then I'll put on my clothes and it just looks all wrong on me -- like the fat on my body is not disappearing, but rather redistributing itself so that I look all warped and mangled.

I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 6 months to a body that doesn't make me cringe when I look at it in the mirror.

What did I forget?

I’ve been on some really crazy medicine for this nagging cough I still have. It’s antihistamine, decongestant and cough suppressant all in one. It affects me in much the same as a fifth shot of tequila does. I really mean that… it seriously screws me up. But it has helped me sleep the last two nights.

The only thing is that I wake up still feeling sort of fuzzy. It takes me longer to remember what I was going to do next. And today, the entire way through, I felt like I forgot something. Something important. Not like my computer or lunch, bigger than that. Like pants.

I’ve checked myself about fifteen times so far. (yes, the pants are there)

So what was it I forgot?