Pandora's Curse.

I had a dream last night, a dream that seemed so real, a dream I did not want. A dream of scattered memories sewn together, creating such a perfect world, where love was requited, where I was blissfully happy. When I awoke, everything I had was gone.

All I was left with was hope, and emptiness. I immediately knew that what I had was false, too perfect a world for me to live in. I felt bitter, as if I had something taken away from me which I felt was rightfully mine.

Why would my subconscious trick me so? Why should I feel so terrible, so laden with hope? Couldn’t my mind simply give up this struggle, freely, without interference?

Hope is not a good thing for me. It makes me weak and vulnerable. When I have no hope, then all is known. Nothing is uncertain. I am sure of what I have and what I don’t have. Progress can be made on accepting this. But when hope enters my mind, all progress is lost, and I can only try to fight for what I’ve gained.

Yet I wish to dream again tonight, of memories strewn together, for they were so wonderful, that any let down seems worth it. I don’t know why I’d want to torture myself again, feeling empty and bitter when I wake up. Somehow, the high seems worth it, like some addictive drug Pandora was selling out of her magical box of plagues and death.

Perhaps I actually do believe in what my hope is telling me. Perhaps I need to believe in something, that somehow this will change, that things will be different. Or perhaps I’m simply a fool, willingly falling for something that may make me happy, but empty in the end.

Nothing good ever came out of Pandora’s box.

Thought of the day.

The only thing more endearing than seeing a man with a baby ...




















... is seeing a man with a pooch.















And the second scenario is always the winner because at least there's a slight possibility that the guy is single.

What's the word?

Yesterday, the word "phantasmagorical" was used in a conversation with a friend.

I was told that my friend "lusted after" that word. While I'm not sure that I've ever "lusted" after any single word myself, I definitely appreciate the sentiment.

What is it about words that moves us so easily? As vivid, exciting, or erotic as a picture can be, it is the written or spoken phrase that drives us crazy... the opportunity to use our imagination allows for free travel and fantasy.

While reading the blog board today, several people discussed the dangers of online dating. People have the ability to misrepresent themselves online, because you can get idea an idea of how people are based on their emails and profiles. Yes, their pictures may be misleading, but I would argue that the words they send are the most accurate reflection you'll get. Why base your assumptions on a photo? No one will ever know me based on a picture on a beach, or doing a headstand, or even standing with a celebrity; they'll find out who I am by discovering that I'm a super melodramatic who overuses the ellipsis, and that I twist nearly everything into a double entendre. Isn't that far more useful???

It's why I read all of the other blogs out there... I don't have to know the authors, to know who they are. And I love that.

Oddly enough.

Self confidence. It's a strange and elusive thing at times. Just like a very rare creature, it only shows up once in a while, peeking its little nose above the bushes to investigate the surroundings, sussing out the environment, getting comfortable with its territory.

Then, once it's all settled in, it still doesn't show itself all the time. Once in a while something will startle it - making it dart back into its burrow to quiver and wonder about the cosmos. But most often it's out there - all proud and strong. That's when it accomplishes a LOT - making new friends, impressing its bosses, coworkers, and self.

Yet...Other times it seems like it went away on vacation.

Didn't you know? Self confidence is completely schizophrenic.

U is for....

... Unusually quiet, that's what I have been. Lately.

I’ve been gone for a while. Life has been busy and exciting and overwhelming. Changes are afoot. Big changes.

The last few weeks have been stressful. Overwhelming. They’ve been the sort of weeks where you have everything and nothing happening all at once. Things move slowly, but the hopes and worries are lightening fast and erratic. There is quite a bit of unknown at the moment. Excitement is mounting, but with with every peak, there is the inevitable slope downward. Sometimes the descent is quick, without warning, leaving you on your own to pick yourself up and check for bruises… and at other times it’s so gradual you barely notice. You find your footing and keep moving without missing a step.

I’m not sure what my outcome will be. I’m slightly terrified.

Something to Keep in Mind...

If you ever get arrested for murder, I think a good thing to do would be to start asking the cop who arrested you where he lives and if he has any family, and if he keeps his doors locked... because then it would look like you're taking a personal interest in his life and safety and he might let you go because you've become friends. LOL.

Distressed Slumber.

This morning I had a dream that involved someone holding an umbrella and every time he touched the tip of the umbrella to the ground, the unpleasant beeping sounds would start up. I tried to ask him to stop doing that; apparently he wasn’t aware of the noise he was responsible for and he ignored my pleas Anyhow by then the jackhammer had been going for a while so I figured if I just stayed soundly asleep, it was bound to stop sooner or later. Of course the noise did not stop; in fact it became more and more persistent and as I started coming to, I realized that the commotion was happening in my own living room, and getting up to look around, ascertained all this was taking place in my apartment and not just in my head. It was an alarm I had previously set on my cellphone. I was not happy. More so than usual that is, because I’m never happy about waking up in the morning for some reason. But this morning I felt like I’d been tricked out of bed so I was more than prepared to rejoin my comfortable sofa just as soon as I turned off the phone alarm. It felt much too early to be up. When I checked, I realized it was close to noontime, so I reeled in the attitude and the foot stomping and decided the whole thing was probably some cosmic joke. It’s a fact I’ve been sleeping too much and it’s also a fact that many many days have been entirely lost to sleep recently.

New Look, Anyone?

For the most part I ignore the Spam folder in my gmail account but today I got a wild hair up my ass. ( Gee, now that is an expression I am now contemplating and realizing that it is a bit disturbing. I'm picturing rotund buttocks with mutant fur that grows steadily into the rectum, all in fast-forward video. It is not pretty. And neither is my Spam folder.


As you can see, quite a lot of people are encouraging me to update my penis.

First, let's talk about the random capitalization of letters. Why is Penis capitalized, but not Your? I mean, this is a perfectly good imperative independent clause. Implied subject, verb, noun, the whole bit. What kind of significance are they placing here? It's like saying "Clean your Room!" or "Change your Underwear!"

Secondly, how does one go about updating a body part? I mean, I love makeover shows, but the thought of giving a weiner a new set of earrings or a stylish new hair-do is just plain unheard of. Updating is what you do to your wardrobe or nail polish, it's not what you do to your ding-a-ling.

Ham or Eggs?

I was watching a repeat of one of my secret guilty pleasures, Grey's Anatomy. There's this great exchange between George and a happily married man. His wife is being admitted to the hospital and he's telling George the story of how they met.

"The first time I met Noelle, I knew I was Ham.

"Huh?" asks George.

"In every situation you have to ask yourself- are you Ham or Eggs?

"Double Huh?"

"Ham or eggs. Pig or chicken. The chicken is involved in the meal. But the pig.....the pig is committed."

OK, I'll be the first to admit some definitely serious flaws with the analogy- like the implication that committment equals death. But it actually made me think. I'm a pig. In any given situation that is important to me. In relationships.

Unfortunately, I do have a tendency to be drawn to chickens.

I think I should be going on a chicken-free, pork-only diet!

Who's with me?

Curiousity kills

The more I don't know,
The more I want to know.
The more I know,
The more I don't want to know.
The more I don't want to know,
The more I felt that I should have known.
The more I felt that I should have known,
I guess deep inside me...

I already knew.

Fundamentally Me

I can be stubborn. Sometimes, this is the very best thing about me. People make it sound like a futile act, butting your head up against the wall. But you'd be surprised how many walls tumble, if you would only butt hard or long enough. Sometimes, it may not be a good thing at all. Especially when it intersects with friends, family and love. There are times when I will bark up the wrong tree much longer than is sane or healthy - because I cannot stand the idea that I've chosen unwisely. I lead myself on wild goose chases because I like the idea of relentless pursuit. Even though I love the idea of stillness even more.

I can also be susceptible. To criticism, praise, chemistry, and odd changes in weather and clouds that make my chest feel heavy with something like sadness. To touch and kindness. To anger. In the last few years, I've found that I have developed the ability to disguise this, but if you upset me often enough, you will be immediately clued in.

I am silly. Lightness, frivolity, slapstick. Ba-dump-bump ching! I know this should have its own place and occasion, but for some reason, I want there to always be something to laugh about. I tease to forge a connection. It should tell you that I care; that I've been paying attention. How else would I know which buttons to push? Perhaps more than anything else, I want your reaction. Or for you to tease me back. Else how will I know that you've been paying attention?

Crossroads

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" was his response.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

-Lewis Carroll

Happiness is ...

...your cat furiously flicking his tail as you gently tickle his foot, yet refusing to wake from his slumber.

Prognostic mirror.

I worry that I’ve never fully loved a man solely based on who he is. I weigh how he treats me, and how he feels about me, and when I like that bit all right, I jump right into “I love you.” And once that gauntlet is thrown, there’s no rewind.

But I meant, I love you… really as in… I love everything about you that loves me. I love everything about you that looks like me. I love that you love that song, too. It’s catchy. It’s also kinda like the wicked witch talking to the prognostic mirror. We love the reflection, the “likeness leads to liking” thing. The birds of a feather two-bit. I don’t know what it is anymore to really truly even like someone.

Perhaps the only way I will fall in love is to fall in like first. And how boring is that. Put it right up on the table beside the sweets, will ya?

Quote of the Day

“When eating an elephant take one bite at a time”
~ Creighton Abrams

I’ve had to greatly slow down my activities this year and often get discouraged: “but how am I ever going to be the same again?” I keep asking. Of course my loved ones and acquaintances, wanting to encourage me, continually remind me to take small steps or “baby steps”. It’s a method I absolutely agree with and I use that expression a lot myself, but I just find this quote is a different and funny way of saying it. Of course it’s not meant to be taken in the literal sense, if it was I wouldn’t find it so very funny; I happen to love elephants and wouldn’t dream of chewing on one.

Great Expectations.

Why is it that we try to hold people to standards that we think we meet ourselves, yet we never let them know we're expecting them to meet them? So if and when they fail to live up to our hopes/expectations, we get upset...I know many of you post on the topic of dating and relationships, so I have a question for you. What are the rules of what is fair game in someone both you and your friend are interested in? If no one has established "dibs", is it just open season and may the best man or woman win?I find myself watching this situation recently with a couple of my friends, one of whom is very open in telling me his thoughts on the topic. He feels like even though his friend didn't really know he was into the girl, the girl did, and by leading them both on, she let him down. Obviously this is helping him to move past her, but the question is whether or not its wrong that he expected her to be honorable knowing she was flirting with two good friends?He knows he wouldn't come between two friends, so can he expect others to meet his own private moral standards?

Reality Bites.

The youngest singers on American Idol last night were born in 1991-1992. They were tasked with singing tunes from the '60s, which would be the same as someone my age singing songs from the '40s.

Just in case you didn't have anything that depressed the SHIT out of you today.

Damn, you're old.

My Sign says..

You are 80% Aries

How Aries Are You?

And Some Say I'm Clueless...

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

Random Thought of the Day

The first ever blogger... A completely stream-of-consciousness conversation here at work today allowed me to realize that the first blog ever belonged to Mr. Doogie Howser, M.D.

Remember how every episode ended with him typing in his little computer diary? He was so ahead of his time.Granted, Al Gore hadn't invented the internet yet, but still... a trendsetter from the beginning. Yay, Doogie!