RIP

I was forced to say goodbye to a friend when I lost her to fatal road accident recently. We met as colleagues, worked on a project together, acted as silly girls together, shared a secret or two together, formed opinions on the world together. And although we lost contact after we separated career paths, she was always somewhere at the back of my mind. It is hard to forget someone who always had a sweet toothy smile on her face, a nice thing to say about everyone who came her way, one who looked at the world with wide-eyed innocence wonder and was a friend to everyone she knew.

During this time, I had almost lost someone else as well, one whom I had once worked with, and as we looked upon the world with gusto (then), we had also shared many goofy moments together. He is a kind soul and would make anyone proud to be his friend. Unfortunately, we had a falling-out of sorts awhile ago, there was no "I was right, you were wrong" crossfire of words, simply a concluding silent agreement that we were different characters yielding different ideals. From friends, we slowly slipped to being just acquaintances, and for a long time, I had always wanted to reach out to see if we could salvage our lost friendship. A few weeks ago, I decided to bravely"poked" him on Facebook (my humble and less conspicuous way of reaching out to another for fear of rejection). Whether the "poke" was received or not, it was neither acknowledged or reciprocated. Needless to say, that sent me crawling into my safe little cocoon again. But now, as he is on a slow and steady road to recovery, I try to be optimistic that he would accept me as a friend again.

It's pointless to gripe about how we should have called, or emailed, or kept in touch more often.. After a tragedy, it's natural to conceive regrets on what we should or should not have done. But how long before the feelings of repentance fade away and the evil seeds of people-alienation begin to seep in again?

I, for one, am a semi-reclusive person. I am only sociable to a certain extent because society and peer pressure demands for it. My role at work commands full adult interaction with colleagues and clients all day long. The phone at work is off the hook endlessly, and it is my job to adopt a cheerful and friendly attitude all day long. So much that on my days off from work, there is nothing I like better than to be in solitude, alone with my thoughts, my sordid ambitions, my own marred vision of reality.

So being who I am, I am bound to encounter many of these regretful "should have kept in touch" moments. I refuse to make frivolous resolutions such as "I will aim to keep up with family and friends more often", because it is virtually impossible for me to fulfill such promises. An old dog cannot learn new tricks; I am what I am. For only a sad or tragic occurence as this will jolt me, ever so slightly, into sub-consciousness for a fleeting moment. After that, I will relapse into self-oblivion and the vicious cycle continues.

Soulmate.

Soulmate - there are endless definitions to this word. Even Wikipedia has a say in it. Each individual will surely have their own perception of what a soulmate is. However, I believe that a soulmate could or could not be a mirror image of oneself. A soulmate may or may not enjoy the same things that you may like.

Plato wrote that ones' soulmate is the the other half of a whole person, where a man and woman simply existed in one body and was subsequently cut in half by Zeus, king of the Gods. This action then resulted in people looking for their other halves to make them whole again. However, the ending to this story was definitely not a happy one, for it only encouraged the eternal search of idealized love and a lifetime of profound sadness should they not succeed.

The movies made based on this word are countless: Made in Heaven, Chances Are, What Dreams May Come, Serendipity. Each film was made based on one's search for perfection, for self-completion and the desire to belong. But these are movies-happily-ever-after, which often projects an altogether different set of consequences from reality itself.

I once had a soulmate and I loved him for countless reasons. Just by being with him simply made me a better person; he brought out qualities in me that even I had not realized existed within my realms. My soulmate made my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. He made me want to live each day as if it were my first day in this world. I looked upon every occurence (good or bad) as an important life lesson, a precious memory that I could reflect back on and cherish.

Previously, I had looked upon the world with cynicism and I regarded people with impatience. With him, I cultivated tolerance and patience; two simple virtues that most seemed to lack these days. I searched for the best qualities in others, and when I could not find any, I celebrated their diversities. My soulmate and I shared similar passions, we had almost identical thoughts, we were on the same wavelength in trends, in music and movies, literature and most importantly in humor. Yet funnily, I sensed that he was my total opposite. Like me, he also seemed to be searching for something that he lacked in his life; what it is/was, I could not put my finger on it. I say this because although he was my soulmate, the feelings were not reciprocated as he felt that his soulmate was another. Thus, I did not and could not complete him, and him, me.

But in the end all that did not really matter, for I have come to a foregone conclusion that no one should ever put the onus on another to be responsible for what he/she is lacking in, for it is up to each individual to carve out their own perfection and wholesomeness. What's important folks, simply put, a soulmate is a person (or two) who will draw out the best in you to help you achieve that perfect balance in your life. YOU need to complete yourself.

RIP

Heath Ledger (04 Apr 1979 - 22 Jan 2008)

Talented actor. Loved him in "10 Things I hate About You", A Knight's Tale, Monster's Ball, Ned Kelly, Lords of Dogtown, The Patriot, The Brothers Grimm, Casanova. Fellow Arien, he will be missed.

Happiness is...

Recently, some friends and I engaged ourselves in a discussion and the topic led to this question: " Are you happy? " Generally, most of them said that they were happy. Which of course, led me, to do a little bit of musing on the side.

It would be interesting to discuss (in depth - but I would not want to bore you with) the definition of the notion of happiness; for is it merely a biochemical response to an external source which depends on both biological instincts and nurtured experiences?

And when we present ourselves with the following statement "Happiness is indeed 'real'; a myriad of problems will arise from the definition of happiness, or at least the concept of what IS real; thus the true definition is buried by our limited ability to express, our consciousness, and perhaps our notions of objective or subjective reality.

So, if we go by our common notion of happiness as a feeling, a fleeting moment in our stream of consciousness, the original question, "Are You Happy" could therefore refer to numerous things, of which I'm considering the following to be the most likely:

1) Are you happy, as of this instance?

2) Are you happy, as of the recent past (possibly minutes ago before reading this)?

or...

3) Were you happy (however this notion should not be confused with satisfaction, which is close but not the same thing), reflecting on your past actions and thoughts, in what you perceive to be your inhibited consciousness?

There is never a right or wrong answer here. However, I do believe that there are only actions or reactions to achive a certain level of satisfaction, but never feelings of true happiness, for the latter is involuntary and transient at best. Happiness is truly a state of mind prescribed best when you have had too much to drink.

ESP

I don't read minds, more talk and less enigma is better.

The Real World.

Today, I attended a tea party in honor of Rebecca Farthing who had just turned one. And because it was a children's party, there were an astounding number of children there, ranging from 1 - 5 years old. To my surprise, I had a pleasantly refreshing afternoon. During the course of the afternoon, I made some new friends, broaden my scope of the world by exchanging ideas with the adults, and indulged in some kiddy-chatter with some of the children.

Most of the kids were meeting each other for the very first time, and yet they took to one another like a sailor to whiskey. Without much urging, all it took was just one child sauntering up to the other, "I've got a balloon" and within minutes they were like best friends, and together with 6 other kids in tow, they tore up the place with laughter, taking turns to yank the strings of the balloons.

I am constantly amazed at how simple it is to make friends at that young age. Watching these children at play leads me to re-examine our own set of social skills. Whilst I may not be inept at making new friends, I find that a large portion of the local society here lacks a certain finesse when interacting with people in general.

Take this for instance: Have you ever uttered a "Hi" or at least flashed a smile to the other person who got into the elevator with you? What kind of reaction would you be likely to receive? I've tried it before, and all I got was a suspicious look from the other person. She was about the same age as I, perhaps she thought that I was about to rob her. Have we as a society ,become so paranoid or so dull that we could not (or would not?) even reciprocate to a friendly smile?

Where did our social graces disappear to? Ah yes,I know. They're hiding in cyberspace; where we spend extraordinary amounts of time conversing behind the keyboards - we chat on MSN or through the forums, we poke each other on Facebook, or we even have lenghty conversations through the convenience of SMSes, but most of us are designated failures when it comes to pure unadulterated human interaction. Is it because we are so comfortable putting a smiley at the end of our text messages and emails, that we forget to actually smile in real life. Given in a brisk growing society like ours, we are more abrupt, less compassionate, and inadvertently becoming hollow one-dimensional characters.

So I'm guessing that I should make the first move, "I've got a balloon... " :)

Patience.

Everything in life is a work in progress. Even friendship.

Facebook eccentricities.

2008

It's the first day of a brand new year. I usually look back in retrospect on the last day of the outgoing year, but unfortunately 2007 was downright ugly and for the most part of it was not worth mentioning. Three people, whom were very dear to me, suddenly passed away; and for that my heart will bleed on slowly. My heart was broken by a man whom I was certain was my soulmate; and for that my heart still cannot heal. My best friend betrayed my trust in her, and for that I must learn to slowly forgive.

For a change, I will look towards the endless possibilities of what 2008 has to offer, I will be thankful for the wonderful friends (my unlikely pillars of strength - Aud, SY, Paul) who continue to stand by me through thick and thin, for the ones who were unexpectedly there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry (Sanj) . I am grateful for the new people who have entered my life by chance and made it somewhat bearable. To the long lost but recently reunited friends I once felt an affinity for, welcome back. It feels as if you had never left.

During the course of the year 07, I had felt somewhat schizophrenic, as if there were several versions of me in the same body, experiencing emotions that were producing different end reactions. Having drastic high-lows day in day out, I was constantly and thoroughly exhausted. Mentally, I was incapable of envisioning the light at the end of the emotional tunnel. Physically, I was just going through the motions of having some semblance of life.

But Life is truly short, and in order to lead a fulfilling life, one should break the rules ever so slightly, practise forgiveness readily, laugh uncontrollably, love unconditionally and never ever regret anything that brought a smile to your lips. So here I am, standing resolute to recollect the optimism and the spirit of life that I once possessed. I need, I must, I will! And once again, this is Chapter One.