The Laws of Attraction.

Most people don't bother with the 'why' of love, they think it's completely inconsequential. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you actually know the reason why you're in love with them in the first place. Yes … good logic, one that I would usually beg to differ.

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to stop thinking of the reasons why you should keep on loving a person … especially when you're not entirely clear why you love the person in the first place. It's just common sense…one that would avoid the unecessary complications later. It's one thing to fall in love for the wrong reasons…it's another to be completely oblivious to those reasons.

I'm saying this right now because maybe I have found the reasons why I care and why I always have love for certain people. It's not enough that I have some undesireble need to solve every puzzle that interests me, it's just that somewhere along the way, I developed this delusion that I can fix everything. I stay with people not because I know they can make me happy, but because I know they are damaged.

It didn't matter that in some parts, they can drive me to the edge of insanity. It only mattered for the most part that I had the pathological need to fix things. Normal people bore me. They are uninteresting and often repetitive with mundane issues that a monkey with a bottle of aspirin can fix. People with two feet out the door, now there lies something eye-catching.

Damaged people, people not right in the head, people whom society calls for them to see shrinks, people who actually need to see a shrink…those are the people I pay most attention to, people whom I most seem to actually care for … people I can actually fall in love with, especially the ones that work well hiding their own damaged selves from public eye. There is my reason.

It's not just the 'want' with me anymore, but the need for me to be there for those that have a reason to have a puzzle unlocked … like the Rubik's cube I constantly finish over and over again on a daily basis on pure instinct. The attraction like any is as old as any … to find a person I'm always there to ponder and put together and never be satisfied with the answer. A person who is puzzle that can never be solved, a constant attraction and self-completeness till the day I die.

That's my reason for loving someone. That's my own siren's song in a ocean of people. The catch, however as always, is whether the feeling can ever be returned. Whether my own damaged self is a constant interest and a Rubik's Cube to the object of my affection. Of course … that is another story altogether.

Is Honesty the Best Policy After All?

Whoever said that honesty is the best policy probably never worked in politics, had a relationship or dealt with any area that involves people and their emotions. As long as you're not covering up some massive conspiracy involving dead people you killed, it's alright. It's only a little white lie.

While I usually would have something interesting to go along with this little piece of today's wisdom, I fear that any more of this and I would need to scrub myself down as if I was trying to remove toxic waste from my skin. Sometimes I forget that in dealing with people, it means you have to keep wearing the masks that hide who you really are, because people don't believe in anything else other than their own sense of self. I ask you, do I really have to keep wearing this mask every time I talk to even people I consider my close friends? Do we really have to?

Now I really feel like I need a shower.

Blink.. And It's Gone!

One moment of perfection. A moment in eternity where everything somehow seemed…right. That's what you get when you got that perfect understanding and connection. That's what you get when for that brief moment, as if the universe all flowed in one direction and you're at the center of it all, everything works out exactly at the right time and at the right place.

Whether by an understanding of an idea, an epiphany, a connection with a kindred spirit or a soul mate. Somehow…everything for that moment makes perfect sense and at the same time…everything doesn't matter but what is going on at that very second in time.

I know it isn't going to last long, I'm sure as hell it isn't going to last the next few hours. But while I'm in that state of the universe making perfect sense, I like to appreciate this moment in time. That's probably why I'm blogging this down. This is a record of the very moment I saw a future…a possible future where I could follow my dream and not give up everything I was born with. A possible future where I don't have to make a choice to sacrifice my what I want for what needs to be done.

All it takes is one choice, one act and everything can fall into place. If that role is played out again…then by all means…it's there for a reason. It's not just as a purpose for something, it is THE purpose of doing everything. It is the sign, the vison, the prelude and harbinger to a future we all can share together. A future that demands us no lighter responsibility and no greater sacrifice…but a future that rewards us with not just a world for others to share…but a world where we can share in the fruits of our sweat and blood.

Some days it's just good to feel alive. This…is definitely one of them.

Conversations.

Does no one talk anymore? It feels as if everyone needs to be doing something in order to be entertained. I remember trying to get together with an old friend for some drinks, maybe a coffee so that I could find out how he was doing. We were good friends in school, and since I hadn’t seen him in over six years, I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn about what he had been doing. When we were actually able to get together, we ended up playing board games. Although I had a good time, it felt odd that I didn’t have any updates from him by the time I left.

I understand that most people are busy with work, so much so that relaxation time ends up being hard-core playing and drinking time, which doesn’t involve something as lackadaisical as talking. I’ve been able to meet some good conversationalists, like Allain, Kevin and Nick, but they’re generally too busy to speak with. I don’t think anyone is at fault here, I guess I just wish that more people would be interested in conversation, who could commit more time to it.

I think it’s the fact that my brain is exercised when I can talk with someone. Many thoughts that are cloudy in my head become more solidified. I’m also able to learn so much when someone has a different perspective, and learning feels so good. It’s a pity that I don’t know more people that I can simply talk to. I haven’t had a nice, long conversation possibly in a year, since generally all other conversations feel rushed from work or some other activity. No one has the time to talk until 3 am anymore.

It’s going to be a long week.

Our Multiple Roles in Life.

At some point in time, I became an adult. Handling the responsibilities of a paid job, a roof over my head, bills and just basically trying to fit in all the things needed to survive a daily life. In a way, the life I've lived has always been this way. It wasn't hard to slip in and out of handling responsibilities in the real world when a large part of you was always living in it on your own. It makes you forget any distinction. It makes you forget any solace.

At some point in time, I became a lover. Basking in the warm radiance of someone who complements the kind of person you are, in spite of the best and worst parts of yourself. There are the joys of doting and being doted upon, and the bleakness of separation by time and distance. Yet at its core lies an unchangeable essence that has kept the relationship alive day after day, ironically born from the same failures in the past. It makes us heal the painful memories. It makes us know that we are never alone.

At some point in time, I became a child. Idly playing in a world that I never did in the years I should have, experiencing life through the eyes of innocence and cheekiness rather than a hard, morbid cynicism. In a way, the old world is new again, if only to share with a select group of people like a kid pretending to be hero with a secret identity. Yet in this playfulness lies a painful realisation that all good things must come to an end, even if it is temporary. It makes you appreciate what what's been missing. It makes you reach out for the things we desire most.

No matter what I've become over the years, they are still a part of me I've came to realise after some time. Such changes are never things you see coming, more often than not, they are gradual, like the shifting landscape that took centuries to carve. Yet, in these changes, they are often permanent, becoming a part of who you are rather than a temporary mask you slap on to get along with the people around you. It's what makes us the people we are, rather than the people we're forced to become. It is still you as I am still me. For better or for worse, we have to live with it, and live with it the best way we can.

Cat Tax.

The key to winning over a cat is to pay the cat 'tax'. Whenever I enter a room with a cat in it, whether it’s just coming out of the shower, coming home from work, or just walking around the apartment, I’ll give the cat a little scratch. It lets him know that his presence is recognized, and that he's never ignored, not even once. It’s a small price to pay to have a cat who’s friendly and trusting.

A Little bit on Friendship.

I remember watching Seinfeld, and not being able to stand Kramer. He seemed to ruin so much of what his friends were doing, like hiring cigar rollers to roll crêpes, only to have them explode in the faces of customers, somehow causing George’s girlfriend to break up with him.

It always made me wonder why Jerry would never break off his friendship with him, why Jerry would always put up with someone who never seemed to give as much pleasure as the amount of strife he created.

I find the situation to be so common. I suppose that I’m constantly re-evaluating my relationships, and that as soon as a limit is reached, I have no interest in continuing the relationship. It’s probably the reason why I get over my break-ups so quickly, if not the idea of the situation, than the comfort. The fact that I’ve always been the breaker probably helps too.

I spoke with G about it, and he explained to me very well that to Jerry, the friendship was worth it. I now understand that people see their friendships in a different manner, and that what I wouldn’t put up with may just be a simple matter to others.

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t see everything so day-to-day. However, by constantly re-evaluating my relationships, I not only clearly see the problems with bad ones, but I am able to appreciate the ones that are good as well.

An idea that has become common in my beliefs is that I should live as a demanding person, but I should give as much as I get. Perhaps that’s why I stop being friends with certain people, whereas others I would die for. I would prefer to live with a few close friends, as opposed to a plethora of acquaintances. Sometimes it still confuses me though, how people can put up with what I can only see as a terrible flaw.

There’s a fine line between knowing when to be selfish, and knowing when to be kind to others, even if kindness means sacrifice.

You (Only) Think You Know Me, but...

I never tell anyone to keep my secrets. I only tell secrets to those I trust, which happens to be less than a handful of people. These people know me well enough to understand the gravity of what I talk about and gauge whether they should keep it to themselves.

Whenever people ask that I don’t tell anyone else about what they’re about to say, I never even acknowledge the request. For me, it’s a complete given, something that shouldn’t even have to be said. I will rarely talk about anyone to anyone else, because one can never be too sure about what should be kept secret. Some people find that I take this a little to the extreme, since I won’t even talk about something like what someone ordered for dinner on the off-chance that they’re on a diet and don’t want others to know. The risk of hurting somebody is never worth it to me.

I think this way mainly due to the fact that I’ve gone through a lot of pain and trouble, simply due to some “innocent” gossip. I can’t fricking stand it when people talk about things that don’t concern them in any way, aside from only knowing the people involved. I especially can’t stand it when someone knows that saying something is wrong, and they go ahead and do it anyway. It’s made me a very unopen person to most. It’s not just the potential for hurt though, there are some things that I simply don’t want people to know.

But that’s another story altogether.