RIP

I was forced to say goodbye to a friend when I lost her to fatal road accident recently. We met as colleagues, worked on a project together, acted as silly girls together, shared a secret or two together, formed opinions on the world together. And although we lost contact after we separated career paths, she was always somewhere at the back of my mind. It is hard to forget someone who always had a sweet toothy smile on her face, a nice thing to say about everyone who came her way, one who looked at the world with wide-eyed innocence wonder and was a friend to everyone she knew.

During this time, I had almost lost someone else as well, one whom I had once worked with, and as we looked upon the world with gusto (then), we had also shared many goofy moments together. He is a kind soul and would make anyone proud to be his friend. Unfortunately, we had a falling-out of sorts awhile ago, there was no "I was right, you were wrong" crossfire of words, simply a concluding silent agreement that we were different characters yielding different ideals. From friends, we slowly slipped to being just acquaintances, and for a long time, I had always wanted to reach out to see if we could salvage our lost friendship. A few weeks ago, I decided to bravely"poked" him on Facebook (my humble and less conspicuous way of reaching out to another for fear of rejection). Whether the "poke" was received or not, it was neither acknowledged or reciprocated. Needless to say, that sent me crawling into my safe little cocoon again. But now, as he is on a slow and steady road to recovery, I try to be optimistic that he would accept me as a friend again.

It's pointless to gripe about how we should have called, or emailed, or kept in touch more often.. After a tragedy, it's natural to conceive regrets on what we should or should not have done. But how long before the feelings of repentance fade away and the evil seeds of people-alienation begin to seep in again?

I, for one, am a semi-reclusive person. I am only sociable to a certain extent because society and peer pressure demands for it. My role at work commands full adult interaction with colleagues and clients all day long. The phone at work is off the hook endlessly, and it is my job to adopt a cheerful and friendly attitude all day long. So much that on my days off from work, there is nothing I like better than to be in solitude, alone with my thoughts, my sordid ambitions, my own marred vision of reality.

So being who I am, I am bound to encounter many of these regretful "should have kept in touch" moments. I refuse to make frivolous resolutions such as "I will aim to keep up with family and friends more often", because it is virtually impossible for me to fulfill such promises. An old dog cannot learn new tricks; I am what I am. For only a sad or tragic occurence as this will jolt me, ever so slightly, into sub-consciousness for a fleeting moment. After that, I will relapse into self-oblivion and the vicious cycle continues.