Fundamentally Me

I can be stubborn. Sometimes, this is the very best thing about me. People make it sound like a futile act, butting your head up against the wall. But you'd be surprised how many walls tumble, if you would only butt hard or long enough. Sometimes, it may not be a good thing at all. Especially when it intersects with friends, family and love. There are times when I will bark up the wrong tree much longer than is sane or healthy - because I cannot stand the idea that I've chosen unwisely. I lead myself on wild goose chases because I like the idea of relentless pursuit. Even though I love the idea of stillness even more.

I can also be susceptible. To criticism, praise, chemistry, and odd changes in weather and clouds that make my chest feel heavy with something like sadness. To touch and kindness. To anger. In the last few years, I've found that I have developed the ability to disguise this, but if you upset me often enough, you will be immediately clued in.

I am silly. Lightness, frivolity, slapstick. Ba-dump-bump ching! I know this should have its own place and occasion, but for some reason, I want there to always be something to laugh about. I tease to forge a connection. It should tell you that I care; that I've been paying attention. How else would I know which buttons to push? Perhaps more than anything else, I want your reaction. Or for you to tease me back. Else how will I know that you've been paying attention?