Close that door.

I have been thinking a lot about endings in the last couple of weeks. About how somehow endings become the ‘everything’. As if the ending defines the ‘whole’. As if the ‘whole’ cannot exist independent of the ‘end’. I have been thinking a lot about break-ups. Not that I have had my heart broken recently by a boy. But I have had my heart broken by an ending.

Endings are messy business. The kind of messy that requires a detailed POA to clean up. Me, I like to start with the messiest part of the mess. Then slowly, slowly I move to a slightly less messy part. Before I know it, my shoes are alphabetized by brand and my bra’s are sitting in perfect hue order.

But, that’s my room. An area with four walls and a door. A door that at a moment’s notice can be closed and no one will ever know what is happening behind it. If only, I were a room. If only, I could put all my feelings into the bottom drawer of my cupboard and never have to deal with them. Fortunately or unfortunately, I wasn’t built that way. A room, I am not.

We do share similiar qualities though. Like a room I have a kind of door. Granted, it is more similiar to the door of the VIP section of a hot club than a bedroom door, but a door nonetheless. It is heavily guarded and only very important people are allowed to enter. Like a room, I store wonderful surprises. Sometimes, those surprises can be there’s-leak-in-the-ceiling-of-this-beautiful-room-it’s-ruining-all-the-furniture type of surprises. But other times, they can be finding-a-drawer-filled-with-all-your-favourite-food type of surprises. Despite these similarities, I am not a room.

I was built a person.

I feel. Deeply.

I love. Unconditionally.

I forget. Hardly.

I forgive. Easily.

I regret. Chronically.

I laugh. Openly.

I cry. Secretly.

I sing. Badly.

I break-up. Messily.

And despite my experience with endings I still haven’t found a way to clean the mess up.

All I know, is that at certain times, I must force myself to be a little bit like a room. At certain times, the only thing I can do is force myself to shut that door.

And leave all the messiness behind.