M is for ..

... Malaise

I think M is for M@th^rf*ck&r would be too predictable. And right now I don’t really care enough to hate on anyone with such energy.

I’ve been at my current job for about 14 months. It took nine months for me to start hating it. Much like a human fetus, my hate and loathing has a gestation period of nine months. But all I’m really giving birth to here is uncertainty.

How long will it take for me to begin hating my next job? These are BIG DUHs that I have realized in the last several weeks (I clearly need to eliminate “fast learner” from my resume):

1. I hate working in small offices. Small offices = cheap companies.

2. Beware of companies with high turnover and multiple third party contractors.

3. Beware of companies that frequently downsize.

4. Getting quarterly bonuses is pure bait for shitty jobs. Don’t trust it. It’s like that joke about hell and the shit-filled room.

5. Logistics sucks. I hate multiple processes and dowager bosses who think we sit with our fingers up our asses waiting for them to give us something to do. We’re underpaid and understaffed.

6. Everyone thinks they’re good at what they do. No, you are not, you suck!

7. I hate the distance, I can never just pop home in a jiffy.

8. I will never get used this goddamn ergonomic keyboard.

Not a Tarot Fanatic but ...

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

TGIF

A very early MTV staple that reminds me of my high school boyfriend's basement (he had cable, I didn't). We liked the song so much we would stop whatever we were doing long enough to watch the video. Because it was so high-tech and cool, (then) obviously.

And now you find yourself in '82.

Ham or Eggs?

I was watching a repeat of one of my secret guilty pleasures, Grey's Anatomy. There's this great exchange between George and a happily married man. His wife is being admitted to the hospital and he's telling George the story of how they met.

"The first time I met Noelle, I knew I was Ham.

"Huh?" asks George.

"In every situation you have to ask yourself- are you Ham or Eggs?

"Double Huh?"

"Ham or eggs. Pig or chicken. The chicken is involved in the meal. But the pig.....the pig is committed."

OK, I'll be the first to admit some definitely serious flaws with the analogy- like the implication that committment equals death. But it actually made me think. I'm a pig. In any given situation that is important to me. In relationships.

Unfortunately, I do have a tendency to be drawn to chickens.

I think I should be going on a chicken-free, pork-only diet!

Who's with me?

Opinions from the other side

Last week I was having a cyber-conversation with a male friend of mine. Our friendship usually centers around talking about his dating life, and I freely give my opinions and advice. I rarely discuss my love life with him, though sometimes I may share vague complaints.

Then a few days later, I received an interesting email from him:

"...If you don't mind my saying so, I think you also could use some advice. You seem to have a pretty clear idea of what your needs are but I get the sense that you don't really know how to ask for what you want/need from men. Rather, it seems like you feel the right guy will simply show up and "know what you want" (probably part of that whole "man up" philosophy) and act accordingly.

The problem there is it just doesn't work that way, especially in this era when women and men are supposedly on equal footing. It may be arrogant/presumptious of me to speak for all men, but if there's one thing I know, it's that men (and women, for that matter) aren't telepaths -- so women need to become more skilled at letting men know what they want.

There are plenty of great guys out there who are decent and honorable but may not have a clue about a woman's needs -- probably because the women in their pasts just dumped them feeling that "if he was the right guy, he would have known how to please me", without ever telling the guy what he did wrong and in the process denying him the opportunity to learn from the relationship.

In short, sometimes, especially on matters of fundamental importance, you simply need to let the guy know what you want and need from a relationship -- and sooner rather than later so that you don't waste time in a relationship with someone who either can't or won't fulfill your needs. The flipside of course is that it's not enough to know your needs and find a man who can satisfy them -- you must be able to fulfill his needs in return. That's what makes relationships such a challenge -- having all those variables fall into place for a prospective couple is a pretty tall order."

Now, I'd say his assessment of me is only around 25% accurate, but that's not what the intention of this post is all about. I want to talk about this issue of "women need to become more skilled at letting men know what they want".

Really?

Is it that much of a mystery?

Are our wants and needs that unique and difficult to figure out?

Seriously.I know the standard joke is that men's needs are simple: sleep, food, and sex and they're pretty content.

But aren't women's needs just as simple? If you had to simplify them, what would they be??

Job Application

Have you heard about the Hooters application process?

They hand the girls a bra and say, "Fill this out."

Curiousity kills

The more I don't know,
The more I want to know.
The more I know,
The more I don't want to know.
The more I don't want to know,
The more I felt that I should have known.
The more I felt that I should have known,
I guess deep inside me...

I already knew.

Fundamentally Me

I can be stubborn. Sometimes, this is the very best thing about me. People make it sound like a futile act, butting your head up against the wall. But you'd be surprised how many walls tumble, if you would only butt hard or long enough. Sometimes, it may not be a good thing at all. Especially when it intersects with friends, family and love. There are times when I will bark up the wrong tree much longer than is sane or healthy - because I cannot stand the idea that I've chosen unwisely. I lead myself on wild goose chases because I like the idea of relentless pursuit. Even though I love the idea of stillness even more.

I can also be susceptible. To criticism, praise, chemistry, and odd changes in weather and clouds that make my chest feel heavy with something like sadness. To touch and kindness. To anger. In the last few years, I've found that I have developed the ability to disguise this, but if you upset me often enough, you will be immediately clued in.

I am silly. Lightness, frivolity, slapstick. Ba-dump-bump ching! I know this should have its own place and occasion, but for some reason, I want there to always be something to laugh about. I tease to forge a connection. It should tell you that I care; that I've been paying attention. How else would I know which buttons to push? Perhaps more than anything else, I want your reaction. Or for you to tease me back. Else how will I know that you've been paying attention?

Running

“I always loved running… it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs.” ~Jesse Owens

Crossroads

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" was his response.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

-Lewis Carroll

TGIF

Ice ice baby…All right stop collaborate and listen Ice is back with my brand new invention Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly Will it ever stop yo I don't know

That’s right. I know all the words.... Still ... to this day.

I was on the way to work this morning, when this song came on the radio….naturally I had to turn it all the way up and sing along.

I have no pride.

Happiness is ...

...your cat furiously flicking his tail as you gently tickle his foot, yet refusing to wake from his slumber.

L is for ...

... Life as I see it...

I own a home, he has a part-time assistant, she is the head of department. As surprisingly odd as it still seems, we are, adults.

We contribute to CPF, pay too much for home insurance, and have credit cards in our own names. Sometimes we wear suits and cook our own dinners; something usually a little more elaborate than instant noodles. We choose with whom, and how, and where we want to spend the few hours not consumed with work.

Mornings no longer consist of sitting in a circle on the floor, drinking OJ out of Mickey Mouse plastic cups, singing the Alphabet or, the School Song. We don’t have homework, or homeroom, or eat hot lunches off of trays served by middle aged women, with plastic bags seemingly sewn to their heads. Entertaining nights no longer require rolls and rolls of toilet paper, and someone else’s trees.

No more bedtimes, curfews, or parents pacing the halls of our homes, wondering where we are or what we are doing, so we allow Saturday to slip into Sunday and continue taking turns whipping each other at Wii or on PSP. One win, and a smile so large spreads across my face, as the child within is awakened; one pony-tailed Atari-addicted player, in pink PJs.

Still an advocate of pink, but no longer dressing in cutesy PJ's, I’m convinced that the moments like these, moments spent not acting like adults, while having all the freedom it allows, are still so preferable to being young.

Sure, adulthood has, and will continue to have, its own set of shortcomings. There were dating disasters, months when I spent working way too hard for the money and people who expect me to be more visible in their lives, more so than they've been in mine. I suppose there will always be too many bills to pay, too many things to get done and never enough time.

Even so, I'd never trade the tough times as an adult for all the awkward stages I had gone through, to get here.

Recharged!

I had eighty-eight hours of a holiday weekend…eighty-eight brilliantly wonderful, non-working, beautiful hours. 5,280 minutes. Mine. I do believe I made good use of each and every single one.

Caught up on sleep. Spent the whole weekend with close friends. Shopping and aimless wandering with one of the nicest person on this planet. A cooking extravaganza wherein I not only did not participate in, but also got out of doing the dishes because I was having "guest" status.

A chance to wear my much loved black stiletto high heels. Went dancing. An overdue bonding session with family. Sorting out holiday details (Yippee!) and counting down to our getaway in August - two months to go!

Is This Where I Reach "Old Maid" Status?

Yesterday, my cell phone buzzed and as I pulled it out, I saw a number that I did not recognize. Yes, I'm one of those people who screens their calls, so I let it roll to voicemail.

"Hey SeachingForPerfection , this is your Auntie B, I was just calling you to see if you wanted to meet someone. Here, write this phone number down. 6496-xxxx. His name is John Doe, and he just moved to Singapore.

He's from a small town up north, and his mom and I were classmates. He's a great guy. I think he studied medicine at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore with your cousin Tom, I don't really remember.

I don't know if you're seeing anyone, but I thought you two should meet and hang out. He's really a great person.

Anyway, again, I hope you're doing well, and try to give him a call... unless you're already with someone, but just in case, call him. Talk to you soon."

Auntie B is someone I see once a year, tops (during Chinese New Year) ... we talk on the phone, approximately half that often.

I didn't even know she had my phone number.

Now the questions of the day

1) Did this guy get a similar message from his mom? (I doubt it.)

2) Does he even know that he's being pimped out from across Malaysia? (I really doubt it.)

3) In the unlikely event that he did get a similar message, what could possibly have been said to make me sound worthy of calling? (I don't even want to imagine.)

So for the record, I will not be calling this young man, although I'm certain that he's charming and cute, and went to a prestigious school and all that. But, am I reaching the age where I should start expecting my relatives and friends to offer to set me up with complete strangers for no apparent reason other than "You're both single?"

Man, I wish I could back to being 22 again!

K is for .....

.....the KEYS to my heart.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I Miss You.

Three simple words.

I have never realised how poignant each of these words are - and how beautiful they sound when they come together.

Until now.

Profound in its simplicity indeed.

The 3 little words mean - at a particular point in time, someone actually stopped whatever he/she has been doing, and took a special moment to savour your presence in his/her heart.

The thought may be fleeting like a comet, but it leaves a sensational trail.

And knowing that you have just been on someone's mind, at a unique moment in time, is exceptionally touching.

Thank you for thinking about me.

I miss you too.

A Story about Expectations...

A turtle family went on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outings. Finally the Turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found it. For about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements.

Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell.

He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left. Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years, Six years... Then in the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and began to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, "SEE I knew you wouldn't wait.

Now I am not going to go get the salt."

Lesson Learned: Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations.We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves . . .

Thirteen Things I didn't Do Today.

1. Wake up to an alarm clock. (sheer bliss)

2. Take a shower. (very French of me)

3. Fold the laundry or do anything that concerns laundry.

4. Go outside or scale the Himalayas.

5. Talk to anyone, other than Max, my cat.

6. Read more pages "The Romantic Movement" by Alain De Botton. (although I probably will before going to sleep)

7. Watch daytime TV.

8. Follow up on my idea to do some spring cleaning in the storeroom. Yet.

9. Get along with Max, especially when I was cleaning out his litter tray and he was pouncing all over me.

10.Take a nap even though I felt extra sleepy all day because extra anxious for unknown reasons (so what else is new)

11. Think about my weight or the fact that I want to lose some of it. (well, sometimes, I do)

12. Ruin the french toast I made myself for brunch. It was actually pretty ok, but not as good as my mom's.

13. Logged on to check work e-mail, although I am most tempted to.

J is for ...

Just amusing myself...

I have certain conversations going around in my quirky head from time to time. My view is constantly changing and the topic never grows old for me. I would imagine one of the early stone-age conversations on the topic of guys and girls being ‘just friends’ went something like this…

Mary and Sarah sit in loincloths eating raw meat…

Mary: Sarah, we missed you yesterday at dinner. We played hangman on the cave wall, ate burnt leaves and drank from a muddy puddle. It was wonderful! Where were you?

Sarah: Oh, Jacob and I went rock picking and then he speared something, which we quickly ate to avoid having to share it with the tribe.

Mary: You went with Jacob? Alone? Sarah, I have to ask, do you covet Jacob and want to bear his children? Do you wish to look under his loincloth?

Sarah: No Mary, Jacob and I are just friends.

Mary: Just friends? Is that possible?

Sarah: Why wouldn’t it be?

Mary: I’ve just never imagined that people with fitting parts could possibly be just friends. Are you sure this can happen?

Sarah: I think so… I mean, I don’t think I want to run into the bush with him and I don’t think he wants that either. I think we are happy just spearing animals together and seeing who has the most impressive grunt.

Mary: Fascinating. Man and Woman. As friends. This needs further discussion, but for now let me pick the bugs out of your hair. I’m starving.