Away from My Desk

I'm away for a few days; blogging will be on the light side. Cheers.

TGIF...

I rarely remember my dreams when I wake up.

This morning was an exception, I remember a sliver of a dream that I had very early this morning, just before I woke up.

I was with a small group of people in a business-seminar type setting. Someone was leading us through a vision exercise.

I have led and been led through these types of exercises many, many times.

The language used is usually along the lines of,

"Where would you like to be in 2 (5,10 etc.) years? What does it look like?"

"How does that compare to your current reality?"

"What do you need to do to get from here to there?"

The language used in my dream was very different.

In my dream, the facilitator asked, "Tell us about your true reality?"

I was the first to share "When I'm asked this question, I'm often hesitant to answer. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I will have to sacrifice in my current reality in order to achieve my true reality."

The others were very supportive and encouraging about this response.

I continued. Saying with clarity and confidence,

"My purpose for being here is to fully explore and cherish the connections between people."


Let me point out that when I said "my purpose for being here", I wasn't referring to this particular place or event. I was clearly referring to my purpose on this planet. My purpose in this life. In my dream I had no doubts about what I was saying, and I knew exactly what I meant.

Now that I'm awake, I feel there is a message there somewhere, but I'm a little fuzzy on exactly what that is.





Beautiful South - Song for Whoever

Confession # 1

I try to wait until I hear the network printer running before I print my documents. Then, when that person is picking up their paperwork, I yell "Hey, I think you have some of my documents." Then they bring mine to me.
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Some may say I'm lazy. I like to think I'm efficient.

Q is for ...

Quite enough to think about, right?

It's not enough that I don't already have a million thoughts in my head, but sometimes I find a good meme sort of.....relaxing? Fun? Even slightly nostalgic. Here is some random stuff, I suppose.

Just as lengthy as any of my occasional brain dumps, but with a larger variety of useless information. Here it is:

1. My uncle once: showed me a movie about dinosaurs. I was very young (four or five, I think), and at the very end the narrator of the children's documentary opens the curtains of his window to find a Tyrannosaurus Rex peering in, ready to eat him. That night I became convinced that the undeveloped plot of land near my Aunt and Uncle's home were really buried dinosaurs waiting to come alive and devour me in my bed. This began a life long fear of extinct reptiles.

2. Never in my life: Have I ever been an under-achiever. Yet.

3. When I was seven: My best friend and I saw a ghost in school. It was a tall apparition with glowing red eyes, and it looked right at us. Nobody believed us, of course, but I saw it again when I was eleven walking down the hallway to toilet between classes. Just thinking about it gives me the chills, to this day.

4. High school was: Three years of my life which I should have enjoyed more. I was a fairly depressed kid - not unlike most fifteen years olds - but I didn't realize then how lovely it is to be free of real responsibility. I was involved in theater, track and a whole bunch of other social clubs. I had a group of really fun friends but took every second of it for granted because I was convinced that being an adult was where it's at. I was also a terribly lazy student, when I could have very well been the opposite. Oh, precious hindsight...

5. I will never forget: The day my mother called me to tell me that she loved me. Everything I ever thought I understood unravelled at that very moment.

6. Once I met: A woman who was a travel writer. I met her on my trip to Myanmar and five minutes into our conversation, I realized that I very much coveted her life. I had never before thought about combining the two things I enjoy most: travel and writing. Now if only I can figure out how to do it...

7. There’s this girl I know: whom I used to be terribly jealous of. She is well educated, beautiful and is living the life I wish I was living right now (but probably will have to wait another ten years to attain). I know I shouldn't, but next to her I sometimes feel sort like a frumpy dummy.

8. Once, at a bar: I didn't have a drink. It was a phase where I thought I was an alcoholic, but it turns out I just needed a bit of self control.

9. By noon, I’m usually: Getting pretty hungry. Even if I've had breakfast a few hours ago. I just love eating.

10. Once when I was driving my mother's new car on a night out: I thought the engine of my car exploded while I was on way home. It turns out that I had just blown out a tire. I had somehow driven at least ten miles on it before it gave out completely. I had God in the passenger seat for that one!

11. If only I had: A college degree. Oh the places we could go!!

12. Next time I go to church: I will forget the words to the Apostle's Creed and instead run Eddie Murphy's skits though my head. After communion I will say a few prayers of thanks and some for my family and friends, because it's the only part I really care about.

13. What worries me most: are all the hypotheticals. "What if I never make anything of myself?" "What if I never get out of debt?" "What if I die alone?"

14. When I turn my head left I see: My prized dining table that I bought for a thousand dollars.

15. When I turn my head right I see: A collection of CDs that I've accumulated over 15years.

16. You know I’m lying when: ...I am lying to myself. It's pretty obvious, I've been told I am emotionally transparent.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: Being a kid. Those long summers, waterskiing at the lakehouse, hanging out with Brian, giggling with Naomi, listening to Gloria Estefan.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Juliet. I am dramatic and though I wouldn't kill myself over a guy, I always think that I would probably do something equally ridiculous just to prove a point. But I've been told that I am leaning more towards being someone a bit cleverer and more self assured though - perhaps Rosalind from As You Like It.

19. By this time next year: I hope to be fluent in French. No, wait! I will be fluent in French. I will be fluent in French. I will be fluent in French. ...I believe it so it must be true.

20. A better name for me would be: nothing less fitting than Juliet. I think I my name suits me pretty well.

21. I have a hard time understanding: Mandarin. What's with that?

22. If I ever go back to school: I'll only major in something that I am truly, one hundred percent passionate about.

23. You know I like you if: I am still talking to you. I'm a big pushover, though, so you don't have to try too hard.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: My mother. She's an extremely swell woman, in her own right.

25. Take my advice: Never ever give up on your dreams. I think we all know exactly who we are to become right from the very beginning and doubting that only makes life harder.

26. My ideal breakfast is: Eggs Benedict on Sunday mornings with someone special.

27. A song I love but do not have is: probably some old forties standard, but I can't put my finger on it right now.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: Eat local, hike across the island and swim in a sea at one in the morning.

29. Why won’t people: Publish my writing?? What's that? I have to finish writing it first?? Ohhhhhhhh....

30. If you spend a night at my house: You will get an amazing cuddle buddy and breakfast in the morning. And we won't even have sex!

31. I’d stop my wedding for: What.....? I don't know what this question is about.

32. The world could do without: George Bush. PERIOD.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Lay in a bed of maggots. Though both things beg to wonder why I would ever be compelled to do them. I blame this question on stupid shows like Fear Factor.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Grace Kelly. Rosemary Clooney (before she let herself go). Brigitte Bardot.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: Staples. I never saw MacGyver staple anything.

36. If I do anything well it’s: Dream really, really big. And acquire debt.

37. I can’t help but: think you've probably not gotten all the way down to this question. This is a really long meme.

38. I usually cry: At anything sentimental. I have very sensitive Lacrimal glands. They are especially susceptible to furry newborn kittens, old love letters and romantic goodbyes.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: The only person who can ever make you truly happy is you. Don't waste time trying to get it right for everyone else.

40. And by the way: I have a plane ticket to Bali, and I'll be leaving for a well deserved break next week!

P is for

the best Perspectives in Life.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

One for the Road

Though it’s hard to believe because, you know, the sun is just barely beginning to rise, I’m already up and happy about it. Really happy, in fact. On the verge of annoying happy, actually. It’s true, and someone may slap me for it before the day is done.

I don’t have any super secret reason for my happiness today – nothing to reveal. It’s just this morning, before the sun came up, before I really had a chance to think about the rest of the day, before I let myself worry about anything, I went running. And it was good.

A lot of my time spent talking about running is analytical (some may call it complaining). I wonder which part of my life can be improved, what went wrong, why... I contemplate these things to death under the guise of my love for running. However today, during the early morning run, there was no guise.

I’d set out for five kilometres. It’s something I can do comfortably in well under an hour, something I’m comfortable with in the morning. I was surprised how early into the run I felt good. Usually it takes a kilometre or two before I am not making myself run. Usually I need warm up time. This morning the temperature and my mind and my body must have been just right though. It felt, dare I say, easy. And now that I’ve jinxed myself by calling it easy, I might as well seal the deal and say that this was the best run I’ve had in months, possibly this year.

So when people see me later, and I have this air about me as though everything is wonderful and nothing can go wrong, when I look like I’m just seconds away from tossing my hat high above my head because gee, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT AFTER ALL, they’re just going to have to ignore me. I don’t expect anyone to understand how one run makes all the others worth it, how one run makes you remember why you love it. They should just roll their eyes and carry on, because it will be too hard to explain why this is a big deal. It may not happen again and I may forget this feeling tomorrow, but today, just for today, it is enough.

TGIF..

Well, it's been a long week. And I know I made many promises and some of which didn't come through. But then, you have to understand that when things are in a turmoil, promises do get tossed by the wayside.

The things I want to say; to specific people, to no one in general. I want to hop on a plane and fly across the Asia to be there for someone who probably doesn't even need me anymore. I want to go for an interview that says, yes, you're fantastic, and we want to actually give you what you're worth. I want the doctor to be honest when they say, this shouldn't hurt, and just admit that it's going to be worse than anything you can possibly imagine. Most of all I want to say things to him that are swirling around in my head, things that I know that should be better left unsaid. I want to be able to say things, and have him understand like he thinks I don't.And I want it to be real and for it to still be here. And I hate the things I cannot say.

But most of all, I want to say I'm getting there. I'm just taking my time.


Here's Lykke Li with "I'm good, I'm gone".

The Curve

Well are we all being judged on the curve? I am not sure. I know that if you make a mistake, you are more likely to be remembered for that instead of being seen for what you have done right.

When did our culture become so counter productive? Do you believe the fear of not having is driving us to isolate ourselves further into our electronics and specific fields of observation/recognition/expertise, forgetting that we are here and now with each other? And that the true purpose is in the interacting with each other?

I have recently had the privilege to interact with three unique types of people on a more intimate level. They all three are so completely different. One speaks only through his work. Thats what he wants to be seen for. One speaks only on an intimate level, believe that is the only true interaction, the other allows the world to be as it is and accepts what is offered up as it comes. Of all three? The last one is the only one that I see smiling more.

I feel blessed that I can interact with a lot of different types of people and be present in the knowing of their "worlds". None of us are wrong or right. We just are.

Who'd you be now then? { cheesy grin }

Mr Max

Taken with the new Sony Ericsson phone. Nifty!

TGIF .. Summer Holiday

For my upcoming holiday. *claps hands in glee*

Melancholy

Sometimes when you meet someone new and start having conversations there is a connection on a deeper level. But there is always two sides in life (ying/yang). So its longevity is based on the interests of both. You are bound by their limitations, resistances and history. They only open as much as they allow themselves. And life goes on in and around this tornado.

Not sure why the world works in these ways, nor am I unhappy about it. You find people that fit a particular situation, you connect for the brief time its meant to be a connection. Then once its light dies, you walk off in hopes of finding a similar situation. One that lasts a bit longer than the previous one. One that feels like you are at home. One that you know will bring around a smile each time you hear their name. And hopefully they will remain true to being a friend. Remain constant to being available even when you are bitchy and uptight.

I, too, am only human and with my own limitations. I know recently I have let someone down but not without giving it a good try to see if I could “just be friends”. I found myself becoming intolerant of a condition that this person consistently overlooks. And instead of being an adult and saying it in a mature fashion, I reacted. I think it was supposed to happen that way. The only way I could get out without making a big scene.

I hope I find a someone to share my heart. I have found someone that I like, makes me feel comfortable, without any major drama. A different feeling than I have felt with any other man. But in all honesty? I see it as just a stepping stone to the next meeting. Again. And isn’t that what all experiences are in life? I am getting weary of all the traveling, heart wise. My heart is heavy with scars. It is wrongly conditioned to be distrustful. And too naive for its own good even after all its experiences.

Am I in the wrong to keep buying the hope and dream of having a life long friend? Or am I just being tested over and over until I am ready? Or is this some kind of payback from a previous life? I sure hope my friend will always be my friend. But recently someone I thought was a friend left me. Abandoned me. Someone I thought would always be there for me. A deep bleeding gash is there. And will be for some time. I can’t forget him. But I wont cry anymore over it. Unless it's late and I come across something we shared and I am tired. And feeling lonely.

Thank you supreme being for feelings. Even though I know that sometimes they cause me the most excruciating pain I have ever known; it has also provided the most generous of joys. Nothing is perfect which is just fine by me. Where are you friend? I miss you. Find me. Lets finally smile and sing in the between everything else.

Still Learning

It doesn’t seem to matter how old I get. I never learn. It still happens.

Each time, I’m overcome with an almost childish excitement. Unbridled enthusiasm, if you will. Each time, it ends the same way, with so few variations they’re not worth mentioning. Each time, I’m excited, despite the risk I face.

The ache ebbs, and I dive right back in, too quickly, causing the exact same sensation. Makes me pause in the midst of an enjoyable experience, scrunch my face up in concentration, and freeze, ironically, until it passes.

I’m 36, so I’ve been drinking icy drinks and chewing ice cream and popsicles for at least 30 years, and yet still... I get ice cream headaches every freaking time.

Just Because

You Are a Ghost

Mysterious, independent, and often unseen - you always do things your own way. You are introverted, shy, and even a little secretive. People are dying to know you better, but you're a difficult person to know. A lot of your contributions to the world are left invisible and unfelt. Your greatest power: Blending in really well Your greatest weakness: Being too passive You play well with: Witches

What Kind of Monster Are You?

TGIF (my theme song, if I ever had one or two or three, hmm or maybe even four, five...)

Sting "Inside"
Love me like a baby, love me like an only child
Love me like an ocean; love me like a mother mild
Love me like a father, love me like a prodigal son
Love me like a sister, love me like the world has just begun
Love me like a prodigy, love me like an idiot boy,
Love me like an innocent, love me like your favorite toy
Love me like a virgin, love me like a courtesan,
Love me like a sinner, love me like a dying man."


Good Charlotte "Hold On"
Hold on if you feel like letting go. Hold on it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer. Don’t stop searching. It’s not over. Hold on…

Beatles "Long & Winding Road"
The long and winding road that leads to your door will never disappear. I’ve seen that road before. It always leads me here. Lead me to your door…

R.E.M. "At My Most Beautiful"
I read bad poetry, Into your machine. I save your messages, Just to hear your voice. You always listen carefully, To awkward rhymes, You always say your name, Like I wouldn’t know it’s you, At your most beautiful

John Mayer "Comfortable”
She thinks I can’t see the smile that she’s fakin’, Poses for pictures that aren’t bein’ taken. I loved you, gray sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect. Our love was comfortable and so broken in. She’s perfect, so flawless. I’m not impressed. I want you back.

Coldplay "The Scientist"
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are, Tell you I set you apart, Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions, Oh lets go back to the start. Running in circles, coming up tails, Heads on a silence apart.

I just shoved an entire...

…chocolate bar (Mars bar if anyone cares) in my mouth. I’m beginning to regret it just a little, because I have nothing to drink and the caramel is sticking to the roof of my mouth.

[cough]