E is for ...Emotional Robot

Yikes. Again, it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted.

I can’t say that the past weeks have been entirely good for me, but they haven’t been entirely bad either. I’ve discovered several things about myself that were somewhat of a surprise.

1. I’m an emotional robot. I was raised from birth to be a strong, independent woman. Vulnerability was seen as a weakness, so was “dumping my problems” on other people. Therefore, I internalized a lot, not wanting to burden my relationship partners with my baggage. What I never realized, at least not until now, is that men need to be needed. Relationships can’t succeed unless you’re vulnerable sometimes, and goddammit, it doesn’t make you less of a strong, independent woman. I seemed to always get involved with men who I knew would love me more than I loved them and they always placed me on a sort of pedestal because I always seemed like I had it so together. Inside, I was barely holding myself together with paperclips, but I never let it show. Inevitably, I would grow bored with a relationship and leave, not really losing much because I’d never invested much, but leaving a sad trail of broken hearted ex boyfriends who don’t have a desire to ever hear from me again. Leading me to…

2. I’m no good with ellipses. My last relationship stumbled into an impasse sometime back. It was not for a lack of us not caring for each other, in fact perhaps the opposite. I think we care too much. He cares too much to continue with things when he’s in a bad place personally, because (I think) he wants a future with me and he feels like he has nothing to offer me right now and doesn’t want to ruin our future with his negativity. On the other hand, I cared too much to burden him with my personal hangups until we were talking about just being friends for a while and I realized that he needed me to be honest and vulnerable. As one of our good friends says, “You two are entirely too respectful of each other’s feelings.” He has always been honest and open about his insecurities and I just shut down. Inside, my mind was screaming “Use your words. Feeeeeeeel!” but somehow when I tried, it seemed disconnected with my mouth. This resulted in a decision that we should “just be friends(…)” Not “just be friends(.)“, which I seem to be good at by this point. We both felt like we need to be together, just maybe the timing was off. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

3. Missing someone you realize you’re in love with doesn’t seem to fade easily. So many memories and inside jokes intertwined. Enjoyg sitting with someone in silence holding hands just as much as a night out with friends. Knowing that someone gets you, really gets you, despite the facts that you can be an emotional robot, you are a systematic moment-ruiner and can be incredibly awkward. These days, I feel that I rarely meet people I even enjoy being friends with, and even less often people that I enjoy dating. I’ve never met anyone whom I’ve connected with like I do with this person and so it was twice as hard to understand, that if I ever wanted to be with him in the way we deserve, I’d have to let him go. We still spend time together, but it doesn’t seem to dull the ache of missing all of him that starts in my stomach and works its way up to crinkle around my heart. I know he feels the same way, which makes it seem even more senseless.

4. “I’ve been caught in between all I wished for and all I’ve dreamed.” In missing him, I seem to have forgotten where I was. I’ve been rather selfish in taking for granted the things around me and only treating what could be as important. I have excellent family and friends. I have a handsome cat, a secure job and a roof over my head. I have dear friend who always makes me laugh and is always there to help me with anything, anytime. He never makes me feel that I've wronged him. Even though I’ve been more open and vulnerable, letting myself out a little, he is unafraid; he doesn’t shy away. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’m letting go of my need to be the one in control of my relationships. Therefore...

5. There’s no time like the present. I live. I laugh. I love. I’m taking pleasure in where I am right now, what I’m doing, and who I’m becoming, knowing that when the time is right, I will live my way into my future.

*smile*

Words that are inspiring me:

“Important events, whether serious, happy or unfortunate, do not change a man’s soul. They merely bring it into relief, just as a strong gust of wind reveals the true shape of a tree when it blows off all its leaves. Such events, highlight what is hidden in the shadows; they nudge the spirit towards a place where it can flourish.” - “Suite Francaise” by Irene Nemirovsky

“Be at peace with everything unresolved in your heart.” - Ranier Marie Rilke

“But not every seeming ending is. Sometimes, it really is just a different beginning.” - My good friend M