Self-Acceptance.

It’s taken me 17 years to fully accept this but I’m finally there. I don't want to be Meg Ryan anymore. Just to be clear, I never wanted to be the current Meg Ryan; I always had hopes of being the Meg Ryan of yesterday. You know, “When Harry Met Sally” Meg Ryan or even better “When You’ve Got Mail” Meg Ryan. When people see her in those movies, they throw around words like ‘adorable’ and ‘endearing’ and who doesn’t want to be that? Plus she was the poster girl for how quirky could be sexy. And when you are 5″3, clumsy and red lipstick looked ghoulish on you? You embrace quirky like a warm blanket on a cold night.

The thing is, Meg Ryan (or more accurately her character- yes, I do blur the lines between fantasy and reality on a regular basis. Perhaps this is why Brad Pitt isn’t returning my calls?), differ in one important area. Okay, if you count the ability to wake up with great hair, we differ in TWO areas. I will never be a girl who cuddles while sleeping. See, if you watch any Meg movie (or any movie geared towards those possessing ovaries) you will notice that the classic “couple sleep” pose is man on his back, woman splaying herself all over him, cuddled up like a koala bear clinging to a tree branch. And she’s always fast asleep, her face nuzzled in the perfectly groomed chest hair of a man who manages to pull off being sexy, funny and able to say exactly the right thing before the two hour movie is up.

I can’t do that. I need my space. It’s not that I’m anti- cuddling, I enjoy a cuddle as much as the next girl- but when it comes to sleep? I need some room. And not “you move one inch over but let’s still hold hands when we sleep” space. I need “stay on your side” sort of space. Legs can tangle, arms can drift- and I actually like the idea of them being close enough that I can feel the warmth of their body near mine but a whole body smashed up against mine while I’m working on getting some REM cycles? No, thank you. There are roughly 1,287 things a couple can do in bed (thanks to Cosmo for setting some unrealistic expectations for all future bed partners) but sleeping is one thing that I have to do alone.

I’ve been thinking about this lately and when it comes to actual dating- I’m the same way. I sleep how I love. I’m all for couple time but I’ve never understood the couples who have to do everything together. I cringe knowing that this cliche is going to leave my brain but I need space. I need time away, time alone. Maybe this is just growing out of a particular phase or maybe it’s just growing up- realizing independence isn’t a dirty word. But I need a world where I can sleep without being crushed by the weight of another human being. I’m a small person after all. I wish just one time Meg Ryan would have told a man she needed some sleeping room. That there’s a fine line between basking in the heat radiating off the one person you adore and feeling the crushing weight of their body while attempting to get sleep after practicing some moves learned in that previous issue of Cosmo.


I wish Meg would have said she could do a million things with the man she loved but sleep was something she needed to do alone. I wish she would have one time told a man that telling him to shove over to his side didn’t mean she loved him less- it meant she loved him enough to show him this side of her. I wish she would have said that it’s important to spend time apart- even in bed, because in the morning when you reach across the tangled galaxy of blankets and pillows and find someone on the other side reaching back for you, well, that’s the best feeling in the world.

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