J is for .....

.....Just conversation

A recent dialogue I had sometime this week during happy hours...

JT: I have question...as you are a purported expert on men, or more specifically - observing men, what are the 4 biggest misconceptions that men have when thinking about their relationships with women and how best to make them happy? When listing out these misconceptions, please include advice and perspective to your legions of male readers so that they may improve themselves by your answer.
Me: OMG! That’s not a question, that’s an essay!
JT: Well, then you better get started - you don't want to get an F!
Me: I wasn’t aware scoring was on the cards! Sheesh.

Misconception 1 – Most men think all women want a man with a sense of humor.

Truth: Your desire to have us laughing at your jokes stems from an early age. Remember those flatulence jokes that you practiced on your sister? We don’t think they’re funny. And as an adult, when life gets tough, we don’t need a man who’s a joker.

My advice: The ability to make someone laugh and therefore relax in your company can be achieved through wit, intelligence and an intriguing personality. Leave the jokes behind for when you’re with the boys. They, like you, will need as much validation once that beer rears its blond head.

Misconception 2 – Once you consider us one of the boys, it’s permissible to drool over other women in our presence.

Truth: Women are highly intelligent but irrational creatures at times. No matter who you are to us, a friend, a partner, a lover, a potential interest, we like to be made to feel special.

My advice: If you can’t control the urge to compare, even if we play along with you and throw the odd comment about the one with the big boobs and the endless legs, give us a little compliment here and there. We’ll remember it and we’ll always love you for it.

Misconception 3 - Size doesn’t really matter.

Truth: Remember when we asked, ‘Does my bum look big in this’ and you lied? So did we when we told you that (your) size doesn’t matter.

My advice: Accept that some situations in life are a no-win. And don’t ever think you’re the biggest. Because if you do, you’d be the biggest dickhead in our eyes. And we wouldn’t want to have anything to do with either your little brain or its (slightly) larger brother, because size does matter after all.


Misconception 4 – We are open in our communications so we always tell you everything there is to know.

Truth: No matter how much you think you know us, there are times when we expect you to be a mind reader.(No, really. I am serious)

My advice: Every woman is different, so start looking for cues that say ‘I don’t want to come out and say it but you need to try and figure it out’. Make it easier for us to open up on the subject. How? When you figure that one out, let me know. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

Bonus*
Misconception 5 – You think you’re great in bed because you made all your past lovers moan/scream/"insert earth-shattering verb of your choice"

Truth: Sadly, a lot of women fake it. While their reasons may range from ‘so not to burst his ego’ or ‘so he’d hurry up and finish’, they are doing the rest of us a great injustice.

My advice: If she breaks it to you that it was no good, don’t let little brain get the best of you ( please ref #3). Talk it over and discover what can make it better. In some cases you may need to refer to your mind-reading skills (please ref #4), but such is life. Better you’re with someone who’s honest with you than someone who’s lying about intimacy, because in essence that is exactly what it is.


Disclaimers:
1. I don’t claim to be “a purported expert on men” but I make a good observer.
2. Some of the advice here is to be taken with a few grains of salt. I reckon it'll bring out the flavor.