If It Makes You Happy

Two weeks ago, I had an incredible first date.

We shared many a meal, we talked for hours, we played, we talked some more (like, 8 hours at a stretch). We asked questions like Why? and Why not? and really listened to the answers, discovered our commonalities with excitement, animatedly offered differing opinions, treasured each new tidbit of information.

And then the holiday ended and we went home.

Yeah, so it wasn't a date, exactly, but bonding with T was an enriching experience during which a theme cropped up in my mind and somehow (in a seemingly indirect twisted turn of fate) we shared similar principles: the pursuit of happiness.

You've heard me harp about being happy before. It's important to me to choose happiness on a daily basis, and then spend my days seeking it in whatever mysterious corners it may lurk. The last time I sat down to try to put it into words, I wrote about happiness and while I still enjoy the certain delights that come by coupling, I find that lately, I not only embrace but crave the joy that comes to me alone.

Today as I was getting ready for work, I found a sweater I hadn't seen in a week, and do you know where it was hiding? On a hook behind the bathroom door. I hadn't closed my bathroom door in a week. I pee with the door wide open! I shower with it open! I let the steam billow out and then rub myself with a great big pink towel in front of windows that haven't any curtains. I sit on my balcony wearing only whatever lotion hasn't soaked in yet. I enjoy the cool breeze on my skin and I just feel luxurious.

I threw out all of my old underwear and bras, and even the socks, and especially the pyjamas. Now I only wear lingerie, and I have a whole bunch that I keep for my eyes only. I make myself feel special the moment I walk in the door.

I put a 88-song playlist on my mp3 player a few weeks ago, and chose a happy song for myself. Being a chronic music-listener, I am almost always plugged in when I'm out of the house, so I've thus far danced on at the grocery store where I was deciding between OJ and Tangerine; while waiting in line at my train stop, at Starbucks while waiting for my Caramel Macchiato. It's the kind of song that causes me to flail my limbs about in abandonment, and after I get over my initial embarrassment, I forget about all the people and just give in to the moment and by the end of the song, my heart is beating with joy. Joy, joy, joy.

I stopped buying so much meat. Instead, I go down to the market where I can fill my bag with veggies and fruits that I feel a connection to. Then I go home and bliss out - Zen.

When I come home from a run or a workout, I strip. And I don't mean I remove my clothing, because I don't do just that. I turn on the music and literally strip, removing one piece at a time and flinging it because I can and if it's still there the next day then so be it. I am the king of my castle.

And every day I find happiness in these small things, the really absurdly overpriced napkins that make me smile, and the oddly shaped vase I bought because it looks a little like buddha, and the perfect shade of pink on my toes, and the orange slippers that I so adore because they match nothing and yet everything, and even the annoying ringtone of my phone because I know it's ringing just for me.

This is what happiness is, to me. It's not a big movie moment, with swelling music and memorable lines and perfect kisses. It's really savouring everyday moments, and feeling connected to the world, and being really present, and getting really excited, and knowing that you made that moment count. Really count.