TGIF

I can't change what happened recently, or really even the circumstances behind it. If I'm realistic, I'll even admit I wouldn't change my opinion if I could, since it's all part of bringing me to the next stage of my life. Does it suck? Yes. Do I feel hurt and mad and frustrated and shitty? Totally. I went so far as to say, "WTF" to my mom when she was telling me about how I could improve myself.

But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to share with you a song because it's TGIF. It cheered me up, and reminded me of how lucky I really am to be me, even if I'm far, far, far from perfect:

Something to Keep in Mind...

If you ever get arrested for murder, I think a good thing to do would be to start asking the cop who arrested you where he lives and if he has any family, and if he keeps his doors locked... because then it would look like you're taking a personal interest in his life and safety and he might let you go because you've become friends. LOL.

If It Makes You Happy

Two weeks ago, I had an incredible first date.

We shared many a meal, we talked for hours, we played, we talked some more (like, 8 hours at a stretch). We asked questions like Why? and Why not? and really listened to the answers, discovered our commonalities with excitement, animatedly offered differing opinions, treasured each new tidbit of information.

And then the holiday ended and we went home.

Yeah, so it wasn't a date, exactly, but bonding with T was an enriching experience during which a theme cropped up in my mind and somehow (in a seemingly indirect twisted turn of fate) we shared similar principles: the pursuit of happiness.

You've heard me harp about being happy before. It's important to me to choose happiness on a daily basis, and then spend my days seeking it in whatever mysterious corners it may lurk. The last time I sat down to try to put it into words, I wrote about happiness and while I still enjoy the certain delights that come by coupling, I find that lately, I not only embrace but crave the joy that comes to me alone.

Today as I was getting ready for work, I found a sweater I hadn't seen in a week, and do you know where it was hiding? On a hook behind the bathroom door. I hadn't closed my bathroom door in a week. I pee with the door wide open! I shower with it open! I let the steam billow out and then rub myself with a great big pink towel in front of windows that haven't any curtains. I sit on my balcony wearing only whatever lotion hasn't soaked in yet. I enjoy the cool breeze on my skin and I just feel luxurious.

I threw out all of my old underwear and bras, and even the socks, and especially the pyjamas. Now I only wear lingerie, and I have a whole bunch that I keep for my eyes only. I make myself feel special the moment I walk in the door.

I put a 88-song playlist on my mp3 player a few weeks ago, and chose a happy song for myself. Being a chronic music-listener, I am almost always plugged in when I'm out of the house, so I've thus far danced on at the grocery store where I was deciding between OJ and Tangerine; while waiting in line at my train stop, at Starbucks while waiting for my Caramel Macchiato. It's the kind of song that causes me to flail my limbs about in abandonment, and after I get over my initial embarrassment, I forget about all the people and just give in to the moment and by the end of the song, my heart is beating with joy. Joy, joy, joy.

I stopped buying so much meat. Instead, I go down to the market where I can fill my bag with veggies and fruits that I feel a connection to. Then I go home and bliss out - Zen.

When I come home from a run or a workout, I strip. And I don't mean I remove my clothing, because I don't do just that. I turn on the music and literally strip, removing one piece at a time and flinging it because I can and if it's still there the next day then so be it. I am the king of my castle.

And every day I find happiness in these small things, the really absurdly overpriced napkins that make me smile, and the oddly shaped vase I bought because it looks a little like buddha, and the perfect shade of pink on my toes, and the orange slippers that I so adore because they match nothing and yet everything, and even the annoying ringtone of my phone because I know it's ringing just for me.

This is what happiness is, to me. It's not a big movie moment, with swelling music and memorable lines and perfect kisses. It's really savouring everyday moments, and feeling connected to the world, and being really present, and getting really excited, and knowing that you made that moment count. Really count.

Friend Rant # 1

Why do coupled-up friends talk to singles as though we’ve never, ever had a relationship before? Sometimes I feel like shaking my friends and saying “Look here, I’ve had two live-in relationships, both of which have lasted longer than your current one so if I’m giving advice you should damn well listen!”

But instead they talk to me as though I’ve never known the kind of relationship they have. As though I’ve never fallen into that couple dynamic of taking twenty minutes to plan every meal. As though their decision to stay home on a Saturday night is about being mature and ‘past’ the drinking phase. As though I haven’t been through periods of letting my friendships slide to stay home and watch movies with my boy.

I have been there and I’ve had these relationships fall apart. I look at my friends who are falling into the same bad patterns I did and I want to let them know that it’s not healthy, that they need their own lives, that things will fall apart if they continue along this track. That socializing isn’t a phase to grow out of but a necessary part of life. Instead I just smile and nod as they tell me all about the video they watched last night.

Quote of the Day.

“If everything is uncertain, why fear anything?”

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.”

“No man is happy. He is, at best, fortunate.”


~ Solon, Athenian statesman and poet, 630-560bc

Life is short...

Fun is most important in your life. Having a high focus on fun indicates that you value your own enjoyment over anything else. And there is nothing wrong with that. Your motto is we're here for a good time - not a long time. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Senorita is Back~

Sorry to have been in absentia, people. T and I arrived back from Bali almost a week ago and since then I have felt like an empty shell of a human with nothing worthwhile to say nor to contribute. Hence the quiet. Especially since I still need to get our vacation photos in order so that you'll have something pretty to look at (READ: not my whitey-white self in a swimsuit), as well as the accompanying narrative...

But since it's taking me so damn long to get around to doing so, I'll just post this miserable tirade of a blog entry. UPDATE, SCHMUPDATE. Actually, I have nothing to complain about. Pictures of Bali, lots of scenery to follow next time. Unless I booze myself into a coma first.

I Believe....

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

Holiday statistics

On a scale of 1-10, how I felt upon arrival in Bali: + 597

Number of times I thought of Mr Max when I was in the plane: 17

Number of times I argued with T: zero

Number of times we went shopping: 2

Miles driven : 782

Calories eaten : A gazillion.

Amount of paddy fields seen : infinite.

Steps climbed : seemingly endless

Times passed out from altitude: zero (yay me!)

Charming back roads driven: loads

Times I thought I was going to hurtle off the edge of a mountain because of those god-forsaken wiggly mountain roads: 21

Times I thought, “We should move here : 47

Times I realized we possibly couldn't : 47

Minutes spent soaking in hot springs : 0

Bruises received from overzealous masseuse: 0

Charming shops browsed: 2,017

Times I had to wait for T while he had to go pee: 73

Movies watched: 3

Hours of Olympics watched: 0

On a scale of 1-10, how I felt upon leaving Bali : -8,093,983

Number of hugs it took from Mr Max for me not to care about how I looked: 1

Number of kitty kisses received upon arrival home: 6,458

I’m home. My trip with T was wonderful. He pampered me and spent way too much attention on me and made me feel infinitely better ( aside from his funnily threatening wisecracks to shove me off the cliffs of Uluwatu)

It was precisely what I needed. And now I’m back, moderately energized and ready(ish) to start again.

Distressed Slumber.

This morning I had a dream that involved someone holding an umbrella and every time he touched the tip of the umbrella to the ground, the unpleasant beeping sounds would start up. I tried to ask him to stop doing that; apparently he wasn’t aware of the noise he was responsible for and he ignored my pleas Anyhow by then the jackhammer had been going for a while so I figured if I just stayed soundly asleep, it was bound to stop sooner or later. Of course the noise did not stop; in fact it became more and more persistent and as I started coming to, I realized that the commotion was happening in my own living room, and getting up to look around, ascertained all this was taking place in my apartment and not just in my head. It was an alarm I had previously set on my cellphone. I was not happy. More so than usual that is, because I’m never happy about waking up in the morning for some reason. But this morning I felt like I’d been tricked out of bed so I was more than prepared to rejoin my comfortable sofa just as soon as I turned off the phone alarm. It felt much too early to be up. When I checked, I realized it was close to noontime, so I reeled in the attitude and the foot stomping and decided the whole thing was probably some cosmic joke. It’s a fact I’ve been sleeping too much and it’s also a fact that many many days have been entirely lost to sleep recently.