The plan

In no particular order:

* Live life in the moment, drinking in the details, the subtleties, enjoying both the pleasure and the pain for what they bring.
* Never pass up the opportunity to laugh, even my boisterous “obnoxious” laugh, not caring who hears.
* Surround myself with the things I love and do the things I love to do. Don’t waste time stuck with people or in a place that I’m miserable.
* Love openly, with every fiber of my being. Love so much it hurts.
* Not dwelling in the past and wishing back misspoken words or second guessing deeds. I will live without regret so that when I look back at the choices I’ve made, I feel confident knowing I made the best decision to the best of my knowledge.
* Not giving in to guilt trips.
* Never resisting the opportunities to try new things.
* Not being self conscious, letting go of my insecurities. Own my truth and not feel the need to run away from parts of it.
* Love myself and make sure to maintain myself, even if I find it necessary to withdraw from others for a bit to do so.
* Have patience with the ones I love and the way they express their love for me.
* Have no fear for the future but embrace it as the beautiful unknown and the ultimate adventure.
* Not worrying about material things.
* Conduct myself with grace and kindness.
* Embrace the spiritual side of myself, whatever amalgamation it turns out to be.
* Make a conscious decision every day to live with a joie de vivre, and share it by connecting with others.

Superstitions.

It never struck me before, but there’s a big “full of yourself” side to some superstitions. Think about it: it basically amounts to saying that some small action of oneself will influence the universe. Not that I think that we’re not having an impact through all our actions, but there are limits. To take an absurd example, “step on a crack, break your mother’s back”: I am so powerful, I have such influence over matter, that doing this little thing will cause great misfortune to someone dear.

Of course, we all have idiosyncrasies; some people need to always go out the same door by which they entered a room, or need do always do specific things in a particular sequence. But that has more to do with rituals, and their various benefits, than some force over which we have a strange kind of control. Could superstition be some sort of over-compensation, like someone with low self-esteem feeling the need to project a successful persona? It would be an interesting compensation mechanism, seeing as the person both has power through their action, but is also prisoner of that power and its rules.

E is for ...Emotional Robot

Yikes. Again, it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted.

I can’t say that the past weeks have been entirely good for me, but they haven’t been entirely bad either. I’ve discovered several things about myself that were somewhat of a surprise.

1. I’m an emotional robot. I was raised from birth to be a strong, independent woman. Vulnerability was seen as a weakness, so was “dumping my problems” on other people. Therefore, I internalized a lot, not wanting to burden my relationship partners with my baggage. What I never realized, at least not until now, is that men need to be needed. Relationships can’t succeed unless you’re vulnerable sometimes, and goddammit, it doesn’t make you less of a strong, independent woman. I seemed to always get involved with men who I knew would love me more than I loved them and they always placed me on a sort of pedestal because I always seemed like I had it so together. Inside, I was barely holding myself together with paperclips, but I never let it show. Inevitably, I would grow bored with a relationship and leave, not really losing much because I’d never invested much, but leaving a sad trail of broken hearted ex boyfriends who don’t have a desire to ever hear from me again. Leading me to…

2. I’m no good with ellipses. My last relationship stumbled into an impasse sometime back. It was not for a lack of us not caring for each other, in fact perhaps the opposite. I think we care too much. He cares too much to continue with things when he’s in a bad place personally, because (I think) he wants a future with me and he feels like he has nothing to offer me right now and doesn’t want to ruin our future with his negativity. On the other hand, I cared too much to burden him with my personal hangups until we were talking about just being friends for a while and I realized that he needed me to be honest and vulnerable. As one of our good friends says, “You two are entirely too respectful of each other’s feelings.” He has always been honest and open about his insecurities and I just shut down. Inside, my mind was screaming “Use your words. Feeeeeeeel!” but somehow when I tried, it seemed disconnected with my mouth. This resulted in a decision that we should “just be friends(…)” Not “just be friends(.)“, which I seem to be good at by this point. We both felt like we need to be together, just maybe the timing was off. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

3. Missing someone you realize you’re in love with doesn’t seem to fade easily. So many memories and inside jokes intertwined. Enjoyg sitting with someone in silence holding hands just as much as a night out with friends. Knowing that someone gets you, really gets you, despite the facts that you can be an emotional robot, you are a systematic moment-ruiner and can be incredibly awkward. These days, I feel that I rarely meet people I even enjoy being friends with, and even less often people that I enjoy dating. I’ve never met anyone whom I’ve connected with like I do with this person and so it was twice as hard to understand, that if I ever wanted to be with him in the way we deserve, I’d have to let him go. We still spend time together, but it doesn’t seem to dull the ache of missing all of him that starts in my stomach and works its way up to crinkle around my heart. I know he feels the same way, which makes it seem even more senseless.

4. “I’ve been caught in between all I wished for and all I’ve dreamed.” In missing him, I seem to have forgotten where I was. I’ve been rather selfish in taking for granted the things around me and only treating what could be as important. I have excellent family and friends. I have a handsome cat, a secure job and a roof over my head. I have dear friend who always makes me laugh and is always there to help me with anything, anytime. He never makes me feel that I've wronged him. Even though I’ve been more open and vulnerable, letting myself out a little, he is unafraid; he doesn’t shy away. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’m letting go of my need to be the one in control of my relationships. Therefore...

5. There’s no time like the present. I live. I laugh. I love. I’m taking pleasure in where I am right now, what I’m doing, and who I’m becoming, knowing that when the time is right, I will live my way into my future.

*smile*

Words that are inspiring me:

“Important events, whether serious, happy or unfortunate, do not change a man’s soul. They merely bring it into relief, just as a strong gust of wind reveals the true shape of a tree when it blows off all its leaves. Such events, highlight what is hidden in the shadows; they nudge the spirit towards a place where it can flourish.” - “Suite Francaise” by Irene Nemirovsky

“Be at peace with everything unresolved in your heart.” - Ranier Marie Rilke

“But not every seeming ending is. Sometimes, it really is just a different beginning.” - My good friend M

Get to know yourself better

1. Open this website : http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
2. Take the Personality Quiz
3. Copy Paste the result to Facebook/or Blogger:
4. Tag your friends including me
5. Do comment if you think this is true about me!

Your view on yourself: You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

Get to know yourself better

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Conversational Crafts.

Initially I found the lady who talks about her kids all the time annoying, but these days I have come around to admiring her impressive ability to turn every conversation, no matter how it begins, into being about her children. Today she wove a beautiful tapestry depicting her children’s illnesses out of the threads of a air-conditioner/dehumidifier discussion. Eventually, as always, my eyes start to glaze over when she starts listing off the various antibiotics and prescriptions to combat these illnesses, but I’m still amazed by the subtlety of the transitioning.

I no longer begrudge her talking about her kids all the time. Two things generally consume most people: their kids (I include dogs, cats and horses in this category), and their work. And as tepid as her children’s illnesses are to me, I’d probably rather her talk about that than her particular narrow area of research. Instead, I am left wishing I had her conversational skills. Have not a single thing in common at all with someone new you have met? You could grasp endlessly for things to say, asking the same dumb questions everyone asks (”so, what do you do?”), the answers to which you’ll forget anyway. There is a girl whom I run into about every four months, and each time we have the exact same exchange: “So, what are you up to these days?” “Oh, nothing much, working, doing some yoga…” (here’s where both of us go on mental autopilot). I tried to mix it up last time I saw her:

Girl: “I’m doing some crafting, and cooking…”

Me: “Ooh, me too! This morning I made some souffles, and also I designed and painted some glass bottles."

Girl, who looks at me like I am CRAZY: “Wow, that sounds…nice.”

Hanging out with my eccentric friends makes me forget sometimes that it is not normal to do things like paint glass bottles, say, or have watermelon themed potlucks at which no watermelon is actually served. Next time I run into her, I shall stick to the script.

Another alternative is to be stuck in the dreaded endless loop of filler conversation. When meeting relatives, I had the misfortune of sitting next to one of uncles-in-law, who - though very, very nice - told the most long-winded, uninteresting stories. Well, not so much stories, because that would imply plot or point, and - well, this was kind of an art, too. He could construe very long sentences about absolutely nothing. Kind of like the ambassador in the first book in the Foundation series*, whose speech over the course of a week was analyzed logically and the filler words canceled out, leaving behind not a single word of content. I very much wanted to overhear what was going on at the other end of the table, where my aunt was regaling the more fortunate guests with tales of the history of the small town where they had grown up, and how things have changed (as you can see, I have a very high tolerance for things that would probably bore people) Instead I kept getting sucked back into conversation with the Say-Nothing guy. And his own brother who sat on the other side of him; at a much later time I found out that he dreads these get-togethers specifically because of Say-Nothing guy. Can’t say I blame him!

The best strategy, maybe, is to just seize control of the conversation and bring it over to your turf! Screw it all, if you want to talk about nothing about Battlestar Galactica, just say that such-and-such person “could be a Cylon” and just run with it (I’ve seen this in action). If you’re a parent you’ll have a vast trove of funny anecdotes about what your kids said or did. If you’re a crazy cat lady, ditto. If everyone in the world could be freed from convention, and actually talk about their passions - maybe together we could weave a fascinating story.

* NERD ALERT

Do you know?

Saw an interesting poem and decided to share it. Enjoy.

Do you know there are two Friday the 13s this year?
Do you know 1 second has to be added to the countdown to 2009?
Do you know the world economy plunged badly this year?
Do you know the planet is screaming in pain?
Do you know there is more calamity and unusual weather this year?
Do you know I hate waking up to a job that I do not like every day?
Do you know I wanted to leave my job but everyone tells me not to?
Do you know I have plans of my own but everyone ignores it?
Do you know I spent my first 15 years being an idiot?
Do you know I spent the next 5 years being a fool?
Do you know I spent the most recent 10 years slogging like a slave?
Do you know I have nothing to show for the 30 years in total?

- Anonymous

Connected.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Calculate your life.

Found this calculator which proposes to predict how old we will live to be based upon a number of personal factors.

Hmmm...
I was surprised because it predicted I would live to be 86.
WTH?
Did I not tell it that I used to smoke?
Yup, I sure did.
Did I not tell it that I drink quite a bit?
Yup, did that too.
Still, it says 86.

It goes on to advise me that I can add 3 months to my life by sleeping two more hours a night. Hmmm, let's 2 hrs a night by 365 nights by 45 years equals 32.850 hours. That equates to about 1369 hours or 57 days. Net profit of time in the end would be about a month...I guess I'll take the early payout, along with the 33 day penalty and enjoy my two hours a day.

It also says that I can add 6 months by giving up all caffeine. Me thinks not...how else am I supposed to function effectively deprived of 6 hours of sleep per night?

Because I want to be free...
because I want to breathe deep those 6 hours a night that I don't sleep...
because I want to savor the full flavor of the caffeine I take in...

Today's Quote.

“They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds.”
~ Winston Churchill

What's the word?

Yesterday, the word "phantasmagorical" was used in a conversation with a friend.

I was told that my friend "lusted after" that word. While I'm not sure that I've ever "lusted" after any single word myself, I definitely appreciate the sentiment.

What is it about words that moves us so easily? As vivid, exciting, or erotic as a picture can be, it is the written or spoken phrase that drives us crazy... the opportunity to use our imagination allows for free travel and fantasy.

While reading the blog board today, several people discussed the dangers of online dating. People have the ability to misrepresent themselves online, because you can get idea an idea of how people are based on their emails and profiles. Yes, their pictures may be misleading, but I would argue that the words they send are the most accurate reflection you'll get. Why base your assumptions on a photo? No one will ever know me based on a picture on a beach, or doing a headstand, or even standing with a celebrity; they'll find out who I am by discovering that I'm a super melodramatic who overuses the ellipsis, and that I twist nearly everything into a double entendre. Isn't that far more useful???

It's why I read all of the other blogs out there... I don't have to know the authors, to know who they are. And I love that.

Not very good at this

Do they have to make your heart skip a beat? Right away? Or is attraction or interest something that can grow as you get to know someone.

I've been fully consumed by the butterflies and weak knees only to have those feelings wane. I've been not-so-interested, only to become more interested. But the latter has never grown to the butterflies. Never become the person I can't wait to see, wait to talk to.

Maybe it's just me. I don't know. But I think there has to be a spark near the beginning, or it won't work. Not in the long term.

You can try to convince yourself that he might be a possibility. The perfectly nice guy that insists on taking you to dinner and concerts. Who opens the door for you. Who says sweet things about your smile. That is interesting to talk to. Who should be the right guy. That his niceness will create more.

But in my (limited) experience that has never been the case. Whether I give it a few dates to spark or over a year. (Yes, I know, save your breath.)

But this time I think it might be me. I am not feeling up to dating. Or constantly putting my best foot forward. To meet new guys, only to go on a date or two and for one of us to lose interest. I'm tired of trying. Does it have to be this hard?