Relationships Are Not Meant to Make you Happy.

People often turn relationships into complicated dramas. I'm not usually talking about the kind of events that spice things up for both people either, I'm talking about the dramas that often signal trouble in paradise. It's something that I have always failed to understand how people can so myopic towards what they have in front of them, until I realised that what I sought for in a relationship, isn't entirely the same as what other people look for in theirs.

Sometimes I forget that people in general have an almost insatiable need to distract themselves and run away from the things that matter, especially when what matters can scare the living daylights out of them. It's not something that can be blamed on people's choices either. After all, it's hard to ignore that people are emotional creatures and we put a lot of stock into what we feel into the choices that we make, and no choice more emotionally invested than one bonded by love.

I used to think that, when you find a person that you love, that you're willing to open up to and devote yourself to, that you do so because you're happy to be where you are. This sentiment is of course shared by everyone looking to find or are in a relationship. Over time though, I began to realise that happiness is such a fleeting emotion. You're happy to be somewhere in your life for once, then you realise that happiness isn't enough. You can't pay the bills with it, or put a roof over your head, or put clothes over your back with it. As much as you can be happy in a relationship, you will have to face the certain reality that you will go to tough times and they are never happy moments.

Maybe that's where a lot of relationships go wrong in life. People grow up with the idea that in finding the one you love, you'll find happiness that will last you a lifetime. It doesn't help that Hollywood tends to churn out stories that make people believe that love is happiness and happiness can be forever, but most people look into a relationship, the question that burns through their minds will always be "Can I find happiness here?", and when they get into the first spot of unhappiness, they begin to run away, trying to find something else, even another relationship that can keep them smiling in the face of a reality that they hate. People are unhappy when they find that relationships don't bring them the happiness they want. Then again, they are not supposed to.

Relationships are not meant to make you happy. They are meant to make you complete. Your happiness, is still your own responsibility to bear.

Relationships are meant to give you the parts that you can never have on your own. If you're going to be new-age about it, it's about finding the yin to your yang. That completeness, whether it be built over the time spent discovering one another, or if you're extremely lucky, find someone who complements you right off the bat, is what makes our world go round. It makes us feel like we're capable of anything, and why shouldn't it be that way? After all, when you know you have someone there to watch over things you cannot handle, when you know that there is so much more to life than you knew by just being yourself, how can you not be capable of anything?

That is what relationships should be about. Not the transient feeling of happiness, but the realisation that two imperfect people can create a beautiful, if not perfect whole. Whether you choose to find happiness from there, is still your choice, but it's not going to be something given to you when you find someone you love. It has always been something you create. Whether you choose to create that happiness with the the person that completes your life, is a responsibility that rests solely on your shoulders.

A Little Bit of Privacy, Please.

Sometimes, on the darkest days when no one is there, when no one watches, when no one listens, I like to sit down and watch my world bleed, and the rest of the world to burn.

Today is one of those days.

Death.

Sometimes death has a way of showing us how different and unique we are as individuals walking along this road in life.

"I think the universe sort of took her back to remind us of something"

"And here I am thinking how awesome it would be to sit in on his autopsy."

It's a paradox that with death, the end of one's life, comes a certain perspective and appreciation for living. Whether it be universal introspection or scientific curiosity, we each deal with it in different ways. Ways that reflect the kind of person we are and the kind of life we have lived. But death still touches us in ways that not even emotion can adequately express. So we deal with the best we can, because the alternative means becoming the things we should never be.

And that isn't living a life at all.

It's All About Choices.

Sometimes you can't help being who you are. We are all products of our environment and whatever we react to, is merely our natural instinct. Often without thought or regard for consequences, we are slaves to our own situation regardless of how much we believe in choosing our own roads.

Yet, not all is lost, choices that are mere reactions to events were never the true choices that we make. At the end of it, what still lies in our control is our ability to make conscious decisions on what is inherently good and what's ultimately evil. Not that the two opposing roads are objective choices in the first place, but they are one of the few things that we can control that leads to something more than just an effect of a cause.

I have made many choices. Some are ones that lead to more problems, some, ultimately turned out to be the better choices. Whatever it is now that I make now to deal with the monumental task at hand, I know, I shouldn't apologize for. Some things are too big to just take the road most travelled. As such, some choices, while not necessarily good, are for the better. My only regret is that those choices aren't always understood by people, even the people that were once closest to you.

My only solace is that at the end of this, I hold with me a little peace of mind and of heart. While selfish choices never seem like the right thing to do, it still goes back to our motives and what's important in the long term. Some may call it 'pushing away'. I call it 'saving myself'. We can only argue the schematics of our perspectives, but it doesn't make it right.

Then again, it doesn't mean we could be wrong about it either.

Get It Into Your Head!

I'll get straight to the point because I'm still busy after yesterday's fiasco. There are two kinds of people in this world. People who get it and people who don't. It's not good or bad. It just is what it is. People who understand exactly what you're talking about and people who don't. Let me explain further just in case people don't get it.

People who get it: They get it even before you open your mouth.

People who don't get it: Don't have a clue in the universe on what you're talking about no matter how much you try to explain.

This is damn obvious on a daily basis, more so in our little part of the blogosphere. There are just so many ways of doing things … it isn't a matter of who's right and who's wrong anymore.

It's the matter of whether you make it better or not.

It's that given the difference of experience, chances and opportunities, it is highly unlikely that advice no matter how sincere and good would be understood by anyone the first time it is told. It's just the way of things. We just can't see past what we already know. Anything more and we just have to experience it for ourselves to see the point … and that takes time and effort. Sometimes a long long time.

Now I could give 101 examples of what I'm trying to say, but unfortunately I'm still trying to go cold turkey from my monolouging habit so I am just leaving it the way it is and going back to this little problem of mine. At the end of it, you know who you all are … you know where you stand, you know where the other person stands. It's just a matter of whether you actually get what everyone is saying or not. It's just a matter of whether you want to get it or not. I hope you do … for your sake. I hope you do.

Get it?

In Search of ...

"You've changed. You've grown in ways that eclipse who you once were. No one in your life can keep up with you anymore. No one you once knew truly knows who you are anymore. No one but me."

While it is becoming apparent that a lot of my friendships are at a loss. I've come to realize that the slow death between best friends and friends doesn't fall in the inability to be in their constant presence. The slow death of all my friendships lie in the changes that make up who I've become.

It's not an easy thing to grow up. Attitudes change, perspectives change and most importantly priorities change. Who we once were slowly gives way to what we have to become, for better or for worse, to deal with the world around us. Yet when friendships are built on the mutual similarity, agreement or benefit that two people build that bond on, what happens when those common grounds no longer exist for one or the other?

It is inevitable that friendships drift apart due to the differences of time. My life is a testament of those differences. No longer do I follow or take interest in matters of old. No longer am I held down by feelings of the past. What I do now is more true to myself than I have been for the past 5 years and I make no allowances for being anyone else but me.

The only regret I could have is not being able to share what amounts to my life now to the people I want to call my friends. In the face of judgemental prejudice or speechless incomprehension, I feel somewhat isolated and alone, not being able to share my day, let alone the happiness of my life with anyone. A fairly substantial price to pay, I would think, for a slice of truth and well being in a moment's existence.

There is no denying that at in times like this, there is but one solution to this simple conundrum.

"That would mean I need to find new friends."

Because the alternative is a lot more miserable than I deserve especially in this state of mind. The least I can do is greet those that walk the same roads that I do. That at least is a start, if not of something great, then at least of something worthwhile. After all, isn't that what our journey should be about?

Random Thoughts on a Lazy Saturday Afternoon.

1. Sometimes, looking back at the past troubles you, not so much because things have changed, but because things still stayed the same and only you have changed.

2. The only thing I fear more than losing the state of mind and forgetting all the experiences that made me who I am, is gaining a condition that would force me to lay off the foods I always loved to eat. I have a dreaded feeling that the latter fear has slowly been creeping up on me.

3. Despite not being usually affected by the concept of age, "teenageer watching" on Orchard Road still does put into perspective how far I've gone and how far I still have to do.

4. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that no matter how much things look up, life always finds a way to kick you where it hurts. It is a lesson I learned well after the 800th time or so, but I always seem to forget it when it matters the most. Such is the nature of optimism and hope.

5. While the limitations to geeking out always involves how much I can afford, it is not without that certain hunger for my desires that I will crawl through broken glass for. After all, sometimes well worth cut flesh to know you got what you wanted all along. Dying happy is always more than a figure of speech.

6. While it's hard for some people to understand why I do the things that I do, it's funny how often they have come to rely on my experience and expertise for the problems they face. Experience and expertise gained from doing the very things that they disagree with.

K is for ....Keeping Up with Life.

The start of any relationship-friendship is often an exciting time of anticipation and discovery. We meet someone new whose company we enjoy, learn that we share commonalities, begin to enjoy conversation and reap whatever little pleasures they bring into our lives.

At the start, everything is fresh and exciting. We can be tolerant of their behaviours, attitudes, reactions as we progress through the discovery phase, provided nothing has offended us thus far. Such as, if they can’t meet with us on a particular time due to shift work arrangements, we accept it as we learn about them and what constitutes their lives.

But once a relationship-friendship is forged, and the initial getting to know you stage has settled, we begin to develop expectations of them. For example, if we’ve shared with them our passion for photography or a tennis match every Tuesday night, we expect to be asked about our interests every so often.

And that is when expectations can lead to disappointment.

The period of tolerance is ever so transient before we begin to interpret their behaviour as loss of interest or a change of heart. If we care enough about the person, resentment starts to build over time which can lead to passive-aggressive behaviours.

Simply put… it sucks.

Take the communication route and try to find out the reason for their change, and it can be misinterpreted as an accusation. Words can cut like a sword or denial can cause further uncertainty.

Did I say it sucks?

Expectations are a part of life and deeper human interactions. Remove them from the relationship-friendship equation, and we are left with apathy, and a shallow pool of acquaintances who don’t enrich our lives.

So what remains is to follow a different path, that of a slow and winding road to withdrawal. And watch the relationship-friendship disintegrate into chunks that eventually crumble into the dust of indifference, disregard and oblivion.

Only to be sucked by a Dyson.

Or deleted from the archives. Of the mind. Of email. Of memory. Just as they have.

Because in a fit of anger, they no longer matter.

I Am Tyler Durden.

Dear Internet,
I have now begun week two of a raging case of insomnia. Let the crazy begin.

Senorita version 4.3

The "I Hate.." Meme

1. Most hated food:
Liver and beets are equally nasty.

2. Most hated person:
I don’t think I really hate anyone, but the one person who aggravates the hell out of me is Whiny Bitch's Cousin — for those of you who don’t know, she’s a 40-something woman who’s never been married, never had children, had everything given to her by her mom and dad, cries when she doesn’t get her way, know-it-all. One of these days, I might just give into my urge to slap her.

3. Most hated job:
The few months I worked as a child-minder at some nursery school were unbearable.

4. Most hated city:
Miami. Really.

5. Most hated band:
Any band that Neil Young has been in or is currently a part of. Hate the voice!

6. Most hated (non-blog) website:
Perez Hilton or any website that gets famous by being mean.

7. Most hated TV program:
Those stupid reality shows in which the producers try to hook people up in 6 weeks’ time or in which they create atmospheres where there are guaranteed to be fights because they put people who would never hang out together in a completely unrealistic place.

8. Most hated politician:
I can't decide.

9. Most hated artist:
I don’t have one. Art is art, whether it is good or bad.

10. Most hated book:
Animal Farm — because I never really "got" it.

11. Most hated shop or store:
K-Mart

12. Most hated organization:
PETA

13. Most hated historical event:
The Holocaust

14. Most hated sport:
Golf.

15. Most hated technology:
Fax machines — I don’t really hate them; but I think they hate me because they start acting up when they see me coming. Grrrr.

16. Most hated annual event:
April 15 - Tax Day.

17. Most hated daily task:
Getting out of bed — Once I accomplish that, the rest is not so bad.

18. Most hated comedian:
I don’t pay attention to enough of them to know.

19. Most hated blog:
I refuse to say because it would give that person more attention and that’s exactly what he or she wants. Suffice it to say that this person loves to keep drama stirred up and people at each other’s throats.

20. Most hated song:
Macarena.

If I Were.....

What a fascinating meme this is! I have no idea where I found it, nor when I got it, but I’ve been sitting on it in my drafts folder for a while. It would be really fun if many of you all stole it and completed this one too.

If I were a direction I’d be… South.
If I were furniture I’d be… a chaise lounge — I’d love to just lie around all day.
If I were a liquid I’d be… a lychee margarita.
If I were a sin I’d be… sloth.
If I were a gemstone I’d be… a ruby.
If I were a metal I’d be… platinum, ’cause I’m precious (awwwww)
If I were a tree I’d be… a kumquat.
If I were a fruit I’d be… a peach.
If I were a flower I’d be… a daffodil.
If I were weather I’d be… a cool, rainy Saturday.
If I were a music instrument I’d be… a bass.
If I were an element I’d be… water.
If I were a color I’d be… green.
If I were an animal I’d be… a cat — totally spoiled!
If I were a sound I’d be… wind chimes.
If I were a lyric I’d be… “Could I have been anyone other than me?” — Dave Matthews
If I were a song I’d be… “Banana Pancakes” — Jack Johnson
If I were a music type I’d be… alternative — a little bit of everything and hard to figure out.
If I were a perfume/cologne I’d be… Pleasures.
If I were a feeling I’d be… content.
If I were a book I’d be… Pride and Prejudice.
If I were food I’d be… chocolate.
If I were a city I’d be… Capetown.
If I were a taste I’d be… tangy.
If I were a scent I’d be… cucumber.
If I were a word I’d be… onomatopoeia.
If I were a verb I’d be… read.
If I were an object I’d be… a book.
If I were a piece of clothing I’d be… a cozy scarf.
If I were a body part I’d be… eyes.
If I were an facial expression I’d be… a grin.
If I were a cartoon character I’d be… Bugs Bunny.
If I were a movie I’d be… Moonstruck.
If I were a geometrical figure I’d be… a circle.
If I were one of the 4 seasons I’d be… autumn.
If I were a sentence I’d be… I love you.

A Little Bit of God, A Swig of Beer and Something about Relationships.

A few weeks, a close girlfriend of mine told me that she is going to leave her entire relationship in God's hands. Despite being the scientific agnostic at heart, I actually understood the whole term of leaving the entire relationship in God's ever fidgety hands, though I didn't actually think about it until today.

It turns out that some of the best laid plans in life, especially in regards to a relationship always starts in the best in being laid back. I'm going to let that soak into your head first.

Looking back at all the relationships that I have been before, it's pretty obvious that me being me, I can't never leave things alone. I am, by nature, a person who continuously tweaks and pushes something until it either becomes the best … or it breaks. Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, you can't tweak things until they become the best … more often than not, things end up breaking, which was pretty obvious in my last relationship.

So what's there to do in life when you're in a situation where you are with someone else that you may probably love? Do you shower him devotion and self-sacrifice? Do you buy him many things and surround him with physical objects of sentimentality? Do you spend every waking moment with him and attend to his wants and needs followed by physical sweet nothings?

I used to believe in all those things, making a near-career out of giving the right advice for the right people at the right moments. But then comes a point where you realize that if you want a relationship to last, if you want to know what really works in the end … the best thing you could ever do when you're in a relationship is by taking it easy and doing what makes the most sense to you and the person you love (or may probably love).

The thing is, when you have reached a level of experience that comes with having a certain amount of relationships or heartbreaks, you're entitled to the reality that there are no rules of engagement in a relationship. What works for some people may never work on others and vice versa. You can't preplan nor can you predict and anticipate what may happen throughout the course of your relationship with a person because life and love is just too unpredictable for that.

The best you can do though is to take everything as they come … or in other words … leave everything in God's hands and just deal with what comes right ahead of you. Then again, most of the men I involve myself with, were never really the religious type. More to the point, he's a firm believer of the good brew on a hot day. So at the end of it, it comes down to this:

"Love is just another cold beer on the front porch, it cools you down on a hot day, washes all your worries away and sometimes you feel like anything is possible; but don't drink it too fast, otherwise what's left is an empty can to throw away and a bitter taste in your mouth"